TV or Not TV

The Remote Patrol for Monday, November 17, 2008
by Thomas Allen Heald, Esquire
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
—

8 p.m.
Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth have absolutely no dialogue involving Jamie Walters on “90210″ (CW).

MTV’s Gideon Yago hosts “THE IFC MEDIA PROJECT” (IFC) which asks whatever happened to investigative journalism. Oh look, Tucker Carlson can now only afford twist ties.

9 p.m.
He is the eggman on “DIRTY JOBS” (Discovery). But I am the Walrus.

10 p.m.
‘RICK & STEVE: THE HAPPIEST GAY COUPLE IN ALL THE WORLD” (Logo) run out of gas.

“ELI STONE” (ABC) argues that medicinal marijuana could cure multiple sclerosis in children. Not that we’(e)d allow it.

Square One TV’s Reg E. Cathey and some guy from Outkast guest on “LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT” (NBC) which requires Olivia to pose as a prostitute to catch animal smugglers. (Gee, is it sweeps?)

11 p.m.
A college student and a truck driver make the cut on the finale on “SEX CHANGE HOSPITAL” (WE).

NIGHT LIGHTS
* Denis Leary locks and loads with “The Daily Show.”
* Paul Simon sees the bright colors in KodaColbert.
* Tavis chews the buffalo at with Ted Turner.
* Dave talks to the animals with Carla Bruni Sarkozy, Jack Hanna, and Cold Hard Cash.
* Jay swings with Larry the Cable Guy the Plumber, Chris Matthews, and Adele.
* Jimmy taps with Kate Walsh, Mystery, the latest “Dancing with the Stars” castoff, and Paramore.
* Craig sways with Kevin Bacon, Sarah Shahi, and the Bacon Brothers.
* Conan is P.C. with Jeff Corwin, Debra Messing, and John Hodgman.
===
TV OR NOT TV RECOMMENDS
“Spin City: The Complete Season 1″
http://tinyurl.com/prideletsNov182008
The release of “Spin City” on DVD could not be more timely. Not only was Michael J. Fox’s character smoothing out the wrinkles in his boss (Barry Bostwick)s’ debut term as mayor of New York, but the newest hire in the Mayor’s office was black gay activist Carter Heywood (Michael Boatman) as head of minority affairs. Early episodes not only dealt with Carter trying to increase AIDS funding, and establish a needle exchange, but seven shows into the run he staged a mock wedding to protest the mayor’s stand against gay marriage. The jokes all hold up surprisingly well a dozen years later, thanks to co-creators Gary David Goldberg (who previously worked with Fox on “Family Ties”) and Bill Lawrence (who went on to launch “Scrubs.”)

"Mama Bekin" and I in traditional Kazakh dress

Yes, I’ve talked about it at length. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Kazakhstan from 2002 to 2003. I count it as one of the best experiences of my life. The Kazakh people treated me better than I deserved, and the experiences could not be duplicated by any reality TV series. And yet, “The Amazing Race” tried to prove me wrong. They failed.

I do not watch the series regularly, so I don’t know whether the show treats all foreign countries as disrespectfully as they treated Kazakhstan. They took the cast of characters to Almaty, the largest city in the country, but they ignored the modern shopping districts and state of the art telecommunications infrastructure. They chose instead to send the contestants to an open air meat market…. dressed in cow costumes.

Kazakhstani 10th graders dressed as they normally do for school

The bulk of the Kazakh people seen on screen were shown in ceremonial attire which is worn, at most, once a year. The majority of the time, people in Kazakhstan (the women in particular) dress for success, with an eye towards the latest fashion trends… even in small villages.

The contestants went to the falconry, one of the most awesome places in Kazakhstan, but the majesty of the birds was not sufficient. No, they had to be tacky and dress up the bird experts to look like Mongol warriors. To frame that in its proper racist context, that is akin to dressing up a black man as a spear-chucking cannibal.

The REAL traditional Kazakh delicacy

What amused me was the little bit of revenge the Kazakh people gave to those Americans who celebrate the “humor” of Borat. They sent teams of contestants to a restaurant where they were forced to eat bits of a sheep’s ass, which was purported to be a native Kazakh delicacy. Actually, a boiled sheep’s head is the delicacy (I should know, I sampled four of them in the first two months of my visit in the country), and the Kazakh people have an ornate ceremony wherein they divide up the head and give certain sections of it to honored guests. If memory serves, I ate cheek twice, a part of an ear once, and some brains… yes, they tasted like chicken. Sheep’s ass is not a delicacy anywhere I’m familiar with, so score one for the people of Kazakhstan.

I could go on and talk about the irony of the chickens and their relationship to George Bush (drumsticks are called “Bush legs” in Kazakhstan), but it’d be overkill. Frankly, this installment of “The Amazing Race” disturbed me. When I have had the rare opportunity to travel abroad, I have always tried to respect the native cultures and traditions. If this episode is any indication, the series delights in crapping on native cultures and traditions. How sad that we choose to present others in such a negative light, but that pales in comparison to how sad it is that we present America the way the producers and contestants did on “The Amazing Race.”

The Remote Patrol for Monday, November 17, 2008
by Thomas Allen Heald, Esquire
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
—

8:30 p.m.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler guests on “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER” (CBS). It could be legen-wait for it-dary.

9 p.m.
On “PRISON BREAK” (Fox), the sixth card is up for grabs, and we all know what that means.

Buzz Aldrin watches a lunar orbiter googlemap things “DIRECT FROM THE MOON” (National Geographic).

“DEAR FOOD NETWORK” (Food Network), I never thought this would happen to me. I was at the deli the other day when I saw the most delicious set of breasts.

“HEROES” (NBC): something about another eclipse. Yawn.

“EINSTEIN” (History) gets a new haircut at Tabitha’s Salon.

“OSWALD’S GHOST” (PBS) haunts America, and may have been responsible for setting the explosives at the World Trade Center.

9:30 p.m.
“WORST WEEK” (CBS) calls upon Fred Willard.

10 P.M.
Is it okay to shoot someone to death when lethal injection goes amuck? Two words: Denny Crane. “BOSTON LEGAL” (ABC) Plus, Cheri Oteri seems to have gotten an agent again.

10:30 p.m.
Jane Pauley hosts “JFK: Breaking the News” (PBS).

NIGHT LIGHTS
* Tavis sells T-cells by the seashore with Earvin “Magic” Johnson.
* Hip Hop sensation T-BA rocks “The Daily Show.”
* The Colbert Report booms with Tom Brokaw and Malcolm Gladwell.
* Emma Thompson, Michelle Felicetta, and Purple Reign party like Dave paid them $19.99.
* Kiefer Sutherland, Lisa Lampanelli, and Barry Manilow hope Jay doesn’t cancel.
* Poppy Montgomery and Nick Hornby are highly fidelic with Craig.
* Snoop Dogg, Brian Regan, and Blitzen Trapper visit Conan’s shizzle.

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TV OR NOT TV RECOMMENDS
“WALL•E”
http://tinyurl.com/tvornottvwalle
I don’t know that I have ever been genuinely excited about a movie preceded by the words “From Pixar Animation (now Disney/Pixar) Studios.” That “WALL•E” managed to have me counting the days until its release thus summer is a great credit to creator Andrew Stanton.
The “Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth-Class” is the only operational trash compacting robot left on Earth after mankind leaves on a permanent interstellar cruise. And “WALL•E” is the cinematic bulldozing love child of Charlie Chaplin and “Johnny 5″ from “Short Circuit.” It’s a multi-message movie (which seems to oppose Disney’s modern prime directives): eat less, consume less, and recycle. The film recycles bits and pieces from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest,” “Star Trek” and “Love Boat,” and has its humble “yellow collar” worker relaxing each night after work to a VHS copy of “Hello Dolly.” Yet, it’s got romance, adventure, comedy, a talking lint roller, a G-rating, and is one of the best films of 2008.

The Weekend Remote Patrol for November 14-16, 2008
by Thomas Allen Heald, Esquire
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
—

FRIDAY
8 p.m.
The Caped Crusader teams up with the new teenaged Blue Beetle to stop evil alien dictator du jour in the debut of “BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD” (Cartoon).

Joan Allen goes “UNDER THE INFLUENCE with ELVIS MITCHELL” (TCM).

9 p.m.
“THE PRICE IS RIGHT SALUTES THE TROOPS” (CBS). Ah sweeps month and a dead timeslot. You’ll note the omission of the phase “million dollar spectacular” as the network didn’t think Drew would be giving away so much last time the show was on in primetime.

TELE-GEBRA
Jo Frost + Joe the Plumber = “SUPER-MANNY” (ABC).

The cannibals have hostages on “CRUSOE” (NBC). Eat ‘em and weep.

10 p.m.
Thomas Beatie, transmom, answers Barbara Walters stupid questions on “WHAT IS A MAN, WHAT IS A WOMAN? JOURNEY OF A PREGNANT MAN” (ABC).

10:30 P.M.
The international tour of misery continues as “HENRY ROLLINS UNCUT” (IFC) visits South Africa and Nelson Mandela’s jail cell.

11 p.m.
“REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER” (HBO) saves the biggest IQ for last: Ashton Kutcher gives Obama his Cabinet predictions.

NIGHT LIGHTS
* Bill Cosby and the Answer wear ugly sweaters to visit Dave.
* Miley Cyrus, Jason Statham, and David Cook feed Jay dangerous amounts of raw sugar.
* Jim Parsons and Ray Davies get out the kinks with Craig.
* Masi Oka, Alan Zweibel, and the Off-Broadway cast of “Rock of Ages” justify themselves to Conan.
* Artie Lang, Candace Bushnell, and T-Pain apply lipstick to Jimmy.

SATURDAY
8 p.m.
President Peter Coyote calls in “DR. DOOLITTLE 4: TAIL TO THE CHIEF” (ABC Family). And when even Eddie Murphy stops doing them? Stay classy, ABC Family.

“THE BILL ENGVALL SHOW: NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS” (TBS) could put an eye out.

9 p.m.
I don’t think Russell Brand is even allowed to watch “RICKY GERVAIS: OUT OF ENGLAND — THE STAND-UP SPECIAL” (HBO)?

“DOCTOR WHO” (BBC America) starts a new season with fat aliens. No. Not obese humanoids. Aliens made from human fat. Soylent Trek.

Someone from Grey’s Anatomy stars as a homeless woman who begins an “ACCIDENTAL FRIENDSHIP” (Hallmark) with a cop.

John Stamos is one of “THE TWO MR. KISSELS” (Lifetime), who both get murdered.

I’m almost in “NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS” (Starz). Look for me while Diane Kruger sucks her soda with a red straw at Mt. Rushmore at the end.

11 p.m.
Serena Williams guests as “MADTV” (Fox) counts down to implosion.

11:30 p.m.
Paul Rudd and Beyoncé guest on “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” (NBC)

SUNDAY
8 p.m.
“I’m Like an angry cow” on “THE AMAZING RACE” (CBS). Yes, TAR visits Kazakhstan. Well, yes there are 30,000 chickens, but otherwise it’s nothing like the “Borat” movie.

“AMERICAN EAGLE” (PBS) brought to you by Bosley Hair replacement systems.

The mystery ingredient is … Clips!: “IRON CHEF AMERICA: GREATEST MOMENTS” (Food Network)

Lisa attends a crossword puzzle tournament on “THE SIMPSONS” (Fox). Jon Delfin guest stars as himself, opting to allow Will Shortz all of his lines.

The Windows 98 of the music industry draws to a close with “TOTAL FINALE LIVE” (MTV). Alas, there will always be the talk show of Carson Daly, who’s been passed over for the 12:35 slot by Jimmy Fallon … who used to impersonate Daly (Complete Tool) on SNL. Wooooo!

DEPTH WITH DIGNITY
“HALF TON MOM” (TLC)

9 p.m.
Ventriloquist “JEFF DUNHAM’S VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL” (Comedy Central) could be the best and/or worst holiday show since Rich Little’s Christmas Carol in 1978.

“UNLOCKING THE GREAT PYRAMID” (National Geographic). Here is your first subject … and go!

Julie Walters campaigns against “FILTH” (PBS) on the BBC. Think Terry Rakolta only with manners, class, and charm.

GIRTH OF A NATION
“HALF TON DAD” (TLC)

10 p.m.
“PRETEND YOU STILL CARE ABOUT BRITNEY VIDEO SPECIAL” (MTV)

11 p.m.
“UNEXPLAINED WITH GEORGE NOORY” (Sci Fi) begins a week of several pilots on the network. While Art Bell was said to have been working on ways to translate “Coast to Coast AM,” it’s Noory who gets the closeup.

===
TV OR NOT TV RECOMMENDS
“The Lone Ranger: Seasons 1 and 2″
http://tinyurl.com/tvornottvtonto
13 discs. 1 mask. Soggy shrub.

The Remote Patrol for Wednesday, November 12, 2008
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings
—
8 p.m.
Somebody from “Roswell” guests on “BONES” (Fox) as Booth’s younger brother, who immediately puts the moves on Bones.

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood host “THE 1ST ANNUAL TAYLOR SWIFT COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS” (ABC).

“MONARCHY: THE ROYAL FAMILY AT WORK” (PBS) watches the blue bloods do … whatever it is they do.

10 p.m.
“BORN TO BE KING: CHARLES AT 60″ (PBS) checks in with Simba as he waits for the wildebeests to trample Sarabi.

“TOP CHEF: NEW YORK” (Bravo) unpacks the knives.

Carlos Leon, baby daddy to Madonna’s 1st larvae guests on “LAW & ORDER: ORIGINAL RECIPE” (NBC) as an ex-con working at a home for mentally challenged adults. Criss Judd had a better gig?

Cartman. “ELEMENTARY SCHOOL MUSICAL.” (Comedy Central).

TELE-GEBRA
Nickelodeon’s “Finders Keepers” + “House on Haunted Hill” = “ESTATE OF PANIC” (Sci Fi).

===
TV OR NOT TV RECOMMENDS
“ZOOM - Back to the 70s”
http://tinyurl.com/tvornottvzoom
At best people might remember the theme, the pre-email “Send it to Zoom!” (”Box 350, Boston, MA 0-2-1-3-4″) shout out, the Ubbi Dubbi language, and the song “City Child.” Four episodes and a greatest hits show might be just the right amount to put out as a nostalgia package instead of a deluxe Shout Factory box set. Better to leave ‘em wanting more. Now, where’s my “Square One TV,” bitches?
===

NIGHT LIGHTS
* T. Boone Pickens winds by Jon’s place.
* Bob Woodward thinks Colbert is worse than Waterworld.
* Russell Brand and Charlie Haden forgets Sarah Letterman.
* Steve Carell and Beck drink soy milk with Jay.
* Seann William Scott and Kathy Kinney bite doughboys with Craig.
* Frank Caliendo and Joshua Radin imitate being interesting with Conan.
* Jimmy dances with the Julia Louis Dreyfus and the Julianne Hough.

Unless you are one of those rare breeds of idiot who believes The Holocaust is little more than a myth, then you must agree that the persecution of the Jews at the hands of Nazi Germany ranks among the most tragic moments in our world’s history.

Imagine you are a Jew in Auschwitz, hours before another group is to be exterminated. The next to die might be someone you know. It might be you. In that moment of helplessness, terror, and mental torture, you seek unknowable answers to complex questions. You try to make some sense of the insanity. There is only one who could possibly know. There is only one who could possibly prevent the horror. But the killing continues. And you can do nothing but argue the point. So, that is what you do.

As the name of this installment of the PBS Masterpiece series implies, this is a tale of a group of men who put “God on Trial.” Unable to punish the mortals responsible for their pain and misery, a group of men in an overcrowded Auschwitz bunkhouse seek to convict the one they know is responsible for their current state. The charge? Breach of contract. God, they maintained at the outset, broke His covenant with the Jewish people. And before one more group is led to the gas chamber, they hold a hearing to determine the extent of God’s culpability.

Philosophers, theologians, atheists, scientists, and lawyers are just a few of the people who should rush to see this film. The debate ranges from free will to predetermination, from the belief in God to the belief in reason, from the concept of justice to the notion of vengeance. Each character in the film represents a specific philosophy, or maybe a specific pathology. Some speak out against God, while others rise to his defense.

This is a powerful story, and though I won’t reveal the “verdict,” I will state that the “trial” mattered more than its outcome. It was the free exchange of ideas, the last freedom the men shared — a freedom many did not want to share, that counted for something. In an era when so many are so certain of so much, this film serves as a reminder that none of us really know anything.

Watch “God on Trial,” and judge for yourself (so to speak).

Wednesdays on MyNetwork

I just watched the debut episode of this semi-regular series. It is not what you think it is.

A few years back, Dick Clark, Mario Lopez, Jan Adams, and Danny Bonaduce hosted a daytime show called “The Other Half,” which was to be a male counterpart to “The View.” “Shaken Not Stirred” was promoted as a roast, but it is really a remake of “The Other Half.”

It began with host-chat, an exchange of banter among the four co-hosts: Anthony Anderson, DL Hughley, Paul Rodriguez, and John Salley. The setting was manly… Las Vegas, and on camera talent was free to smoke cigars and lean way back and relax… as men do. They brought out a guest and then the competition began to see whose voice could overpower the others to ask a question or proffer a verbal jab.

But after the hosts settled in and got comfortable, something interesting happened. The format started to work. It is no secret that I adore the art of conversation, and that’s what the show became: five people engaged in a conversation. Though there were people on the stage who didn’t agree, it was not only a civil discourse, but also funny and entertaining. It is a long format interview show that doesn’t have a stick up its butt (I’m looking at you Charlie Rose and Larry King).

If you enjoyed the style of Tom Snyder or Dick Cavett, give this series a chance. It might surprise you. Considering it is on MyNetwork, it shocked the heck out of me.

Why so serious?

Among the tidbits he’s leaking is that Johnny was an adulterer and that he didn’t visit his son, Rick, who was institutionalized for 4.5 months.

Hey…at least he waited for the body to get cold before cashing in. Read it at NYPost.com

Friday, October 30 - Sunday, November 1, 2008

FRIDAY
7 P.M.
Civil warriors are supposed to rattle their and/or your chains on a seven hour “GHOST HUNTERS LIVE” (Sci Fi).

8 p.m.
“FOX LEGACY WITH TOM ROTHMAN” (Fox Movie) unearths Brian De Palma’s insight into the creation of “Phantom of the Paradise” starring William Finley, Jessica Harper and Paul Williams.

9 p.m.
“666: SEARCHING FOR SATAN” (WE) uses a computerized sketch artist to create an accurate picture of the devil. Anyone who thinks it’ll look like Barack Obama is A) probably watching Fox News Channel, B) listening to “Coast to Coast AM” and/or C) should really just stop using the internet.

10 p.m.
Andrew McCarthy directs while Rosie Perez guests on “LIPSTICK JUNGLE” (NBC), which NBC is trying to kill with this new timeslot.

The kaleidescope keeps turning on “CRASH” (Starz!).

NIGHT LIGHTS
* The reunited Labelle knocks Tavis’ socks off.
* Jimmy is bewitched by Nicolette Sheridan.
* Marcia Cross, Alan Zweibel, and George Clinton trick or treat at Dave’s House.
* Elizabeth Banks, Jack McBrayer, and Death Cab for Cutie go bonzo with Jay.
* Lauren Graham and the Damned skate by Craig’s haunt.
* One of the Olsens bobs for Conan.

SATURDAY
Harry Potter + Xena = Sam Raimi’s “LEGEND OF THE SEEKER” (Syndication).

4 p.m.
Perhaps the Brits can do a better “GLADIATORS” (BBC America) than America.

8 p.m.
Peter Gallagher returns (in the ballet version of “High School Musical”) in the “CENTER STAGE 2: TURN IT UP” (Oxygen).

10 p.m.
Thandie Newton and Ricky Gervais guest on “THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW” (BBC America). One of them impersonates both Condoleezza Rice and Sarah Palin. Oh who could it be?

SUNDAY
8 P.M.
“THE SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XIX” (Fox) is both Shia and Snoopy in its parodies this year. And yes, they get a McCain joke in with seconds to spare.

“FIVE YEARS ON MARS: THE ROVERS” (National Geographic) is at least two emo bands I don’t listen to.

“BROTHERHOOD” (Showtime) returns. Maybe someone watches it.

9 p.m.
What do McCain and Obama (and Palin really) need to know about tech? They probably won’t watch
“THE PRESIDENT’S GUIDE TO SCIENCE” (Science) to find out.

Stephen Root week continues on “TRUE BLOOD” (HBO).

9 P.M. (TLC)
“PURITY BALLS” (TLC) heads to the creepy Evangelical proms where daddies and daughters dance and the girls get fitted for chastity belts.