TV or Not TV

I thought it would be funny to start a blog called “Sh*t This Old House says” and include quotes of the hosts and carpenters using phrases from the world of construction that sound dirty but really aren’t (i.e.-”Just keep pounding until it comes loose,” “we need a little more caulk right there,” or the all-time classic “bitchathane”). Sometimes my mind just reverts to a juvenile state and I can giggle my way through an entire episode.

This Old House” put a few seasons up as full episodes on a YouTube channel, and they are now finally offering the most recent season online a day or two after they are distributed to PBS stations (airdates vary depending on the station). As a longtime viewer of the series, much has changed over the years. Long gone is Bob Vila, and Steve Thomas vanished from whence he came a few years ago. His replacement, Kevin O’Connor was found when he asked for advice from “Ask This Old House,” the companion series to the original which features more basic home improvement tips. Maybe I’m biased because his name is Kevin, or maybe I’m biased because I never really warmed to Steve (Bob was “the man”), but Kevin functions well as host. As a non-expert, he is able to ask the sorts of questions the rest of us amateurs might ask.

The chief complaint I hear from other longtime viewers is the series focuses too much on massive mansions instead of smaller projects people can relate to. For solely home improvement advice, I’d recommend “Ask This Old House,” but that does not mean I agree with the claim. I concede the selection of homes tends to be grander in scale than the early years of the show, but if you replace a window in a million-dollar home, the process is the same on a $20,000 shack. “This Old House” has been more about using new materials to renovate an existing house, and that core concept — demonstrating the techniques and products — hasn’t changed.

The primary team of craftsmen has remained largely unchanged since the series began, though Norm Abram stopped wearing plaid (I’m old enough to remember the days before Norm had a beard, but that is neither here nor there). Tom Silva still serves as point man on the Boston (or surrounding area) based projects, and there are other regulars as well, but the pacing of the series has undergone a dramatic transformation in recent seasons.

Episodes always used to open with the host arriving on site in a (sponsored) pickup truck. He would then walk leisurely through the house and show the progress and the process of each step of the renovation. While the series often broke away from the site to tour a manufacturing facility, a historic home, or a home center, it used to take place more-or-less in real time. Now the pace is sped up and we might see two or three days unfold in a 25 minute episode. There is now a lot of interstitial music, quick edits, voice-overs, and time-lapse video.

Truth be told, I preferred the slower, more realistic pace. This was a series I used to watch on lazy Saturday afternoons (Norm worked hard so I wouldn’t have to). I liked being able to experience how long it took mortar to set up and how long it took to professionally paint window trim. The steps are still shown, but the time it takes to complete them has been condensed, and I feel something is lost by removing that. However, the show is still head-and-shoulders above any of the home shows on commercial stations. Nobody cries, nobody rushes through a job, and I actually learn things in an entertaining way.

I don’t think “This Old House” gets enough credit for how it has contributed to our cultural landscape. It was among the first of the “how-to” shows with a production budget, and it helped spark a nationwide interest in preserving historic homes instead of just leveling them and starting over.

Believe it or not, I converted several older episodes from my VHS collection (yes I used to record episodes as they were broadcast) to digital files, and I sometimes go back and review them. A lot of people might not catch at first glance that each home has a story — a history and character. The families who elect to work to restore or enhance the history and character are a rare and commendable breed, and the stories are timeless and compelling.

One final point I want to mention about “This Old House” is this is a reality series that is more real than most. If you check out the series they shot in New Orleans (after Hurricane Katrina), you can see what happens as the general contractor hired to oversee the site flaked out and was fired. They do not stage things like termite damage or dangerous wiring — such things are a natural part of any renovation process. People who do not think this is a series for you might want to reconsider. Plumbers and electricians are expensive; I have learned to do minor repairs on my own because of “This Old House.” In an era where every penny counts, that counts for a lot.

Kim Kardashian released a statement to her fans regarding the end of her marriage. We wasted no time breaking down each line of that epic tome to reveal the truth buried underneath. it wasn’t buried too deep — after all, she’s known as being shallow…

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

Words… hurt… brain

I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time.

I drink… a lot

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones.

It is hard to believe there are no positive reports about a plastic girl and her pathetic need for attention

First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this.

Love, in this case, means fame, fortune, and another round of cosmetic surgery… finally gonna get a third breast like that alien chick in “Total Recall”

I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!

I would spend so much time for the DVD and digital download revenues, however

I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision.

I spent all of eight seconds contemplating it… a pantload of contemplation for me

But it’s who I am! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments.

I also made a porn flick!

These were all real moments.

The moments were real; most of my body parts were not

That’s what makes us who we are.

Porn stars!

We share, we give, we love and we are open!

Love, in this case, means we will pimp each other out for a quick buck

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic!

Sex with NBA guys is awesome!

I love with all of my heart and soul.

I’ll do ass-to-mouth

I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon.

I want a real life, which is why I keep appearing on TV shows

I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly.

Love, in this case, means the chance to have millions of people worship me for walking down the aisle while wearing white

I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have.

Next time I’ll make sure he pulls out sooner

I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I should have ended my relationship but I got married instead — who hasn’t done the same thing?

I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through.

The 1% has problems, too — can you believe I had to wait almost three minutes for a manni-peddi?

But I do know that I have to follow my heart.

And by heart I mean vagina — lots of other NBA players on the roster

I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me.

Though Ryan Seacrest is partly to blame

It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

But I have high-hopes for my new boyfriend Charlie Sheen

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this.

People keep forgetting international sales… we’re talking billions, bitches!

I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

Because dying people need a gift certificate for free vajazzling for life from Lucy’s of Beverly Hills

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

Then again, my dad went to his grave professing OJ was innocent, so maybe I need a better role model

I watched the ultimate space shuttle launch yesterday morning on my iPad, a device that even three years ago would have been considered science fiction. The prototype space shuttle was named Enterprise, after the starship that once graced the big and small screen. Gene Roddenberry envisioned a future free of bigotry and poverty, where not only were all men created equal, but all interstellar sentient species as well. “Star Trek” featured devices not unlike iPads, seemingly centuries away — yet here we are today. And the shuttlecraft seen in that show in the 1960s most likely inspired some engineer to design his own version of a reusable space ship. The future is here today, for those willing to dream.

I am 36-years-old, and I firmly believe I will not see another manned, US-sponsored spacecraft launch in my lifetime. And before you give me the party line about private enterprise doing a better job than the government ever could, allow me to quote Neil deGrasse Tyson who wrote, “Commercial Space Flight will not advance the space frontier, but enable cheaper access to where we’ve already been.” Yes, I would leap at the opportunity to ride in that Virgin space ship and experience weightlessness, if for no other reason than I cannot think of an easier diet program. However, on behalf of mankind: Been there; done that. What’s next?

It cannot be called exploration if we’ve already been there.

We will once again set foot on the moon. And we will one day reach the surface of Mars with something other than a remote control car with a REALLY good antenna. But I’ll be long dead before those things happen. It is worth noting the conquest of space is about more than exploration. Even though we were bitter rivals, the space race between the US and the USSR brought humanity together in ways never thought possible. Brave men (and eventually women) journeyed beyond our atmosphere while the entire world watched breathlessly. From those early missions to the shuttles. From Russia’s Mir space station to the ISS. Again, quoting Neil deGrasse Tyson, “Other than the waging of War, the ISS is the most successful collaboration of nations there ever was.” The dream of space connected us.

Our government no longer recognizes the importance of dreams. During the Great Depression, the government funded everything from highways (at a time when they were seen as frivolous — worse than a bridge to nowhere, more like dozens of bridges to nowhere) to theater troops (because we had this silly notion that art inspired people). In the Kennedy Era, we got over our Cold War fears by committing funds and resources to the task of sending a man to the moon. In the post-Bush/Obama era, the money is apparently better spent bailing out Big Oil and bankers.

To be honest, I cannot remember all of the shuttle launches. I cannot remember the first time I saw a launch. I can recall — however — sitting in my classroom as a child when the teacher turned on the TV so we could watch ANOTHER launch. I can recall how mundane the whole thing had become; even as 12-year-olds, the tediousness had overwhelmed and jaded us. But then somebody said, “Go with throttle-up,” and the Challenger was gone forever. The deaths of seven people reminded us that no aspect of space exploration should ever be thought of as mundane or tedious. Life has jaded me in other ways, but I’ll always remember the astronauts with fondness and respect, without cynicism. And I never took another shuttle launch for granted.

I’ve read and heard a lot of interviews of former astronauts, and not one of them was unchanged by the experience of space exploration. To borrow the phrase from Butch Cassidy, those people had vision while the rest of the world wore bifocals. Many fail to see the point of space travel. Three decades later, the point of the shuttle program seems to have been that we achieved more through teamwork than we ever could have without it. Or maybe the point was that every time mankind slips the surly bonds of Earth, we are reminded of how amazing this species can be. Or maybe the point was that Isaac Newton’s three laws of motion were enough to get that job done (literally — those laws were all it took to get mankind off the ground and safely back again). Or maybe, to paraphrase J. Michael Straczynski, the point is that one day — whether 100 years from now or a million years from now — our sun will grow cold and die, and when that time comes, if we haven’t set sail for planets beyond, all that humanity is or was will die right along with it. So maybe the point is that we owe it to Shakespeare, John Lennon, Audrey Hepburn, Beethoven, and Abraham Lincoln to do whatever we can to preserve their accomplishments.

In the end, the aforementioned Shakespeare said it best, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” We don’t know what the point of shuttle missions is yet, just as nobody in Shakespeare’s time could possibly have grasped how much influence his words would have centuries after they were penned. It may take generations for their import to be genuinely understood. Clearly, they have the potential to be a jumping off point — but to what? That remains to be seen.

For now, we have a dozen more days of a US led mission into space. Maybe their specific experiments hold no personal interest for you. Maybe the shuttle itself seemed like a relic of an earlier time. But don’t discount the inspiration the last three decades offered to those who opened their minds and hearts. Yes, the Russians were the first to send a man into space, but it took the United States to not only ask “What’s next?” but also work out the answer. In point of fact, they provided repeated answers.

I put the challenge out there to my friends with children, to my former students, and to anyone younger than I am: The future sinks or swims with you. My generation is busy fighting wars and idiot-proofing the planet. It is up to you to push through all of that, to challenge yourselves to rise above our collective stupidity and short-sightedness. More than anything, it is up to you to dream.

I’m an unapologetic fan of the world’s biggest cycling race. Forget about the drug scandals and the fact the technology is now infinitely more important than the actual riders, this is an epic journey — the ultimate test of endurance. Last year I bought the iPad app and was delighted to be able to watch entire stages of the race whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted. However, last year’s iPad app was only good for last year’s Le Tour. So this year I had to buy it all over again.

The video quality is much better in the ‘11 version, though if last year is any indication, I expect that to change as we get deeper into the race and more people log in. The GPS teacking features of riders is much easier and more exact this time around, to the point where I could probably log in now and see which racer is currently using the men’s room in the local cafe.

However, the biggest difference between this year’s iPad app and last year’s iPad app for fans of Le Tour is that the 2011 edition only allows for live streaming of each stage. In other words, unless one gets up at 4am on the west coast, we cannot actually use the Le Tour app to view Le Tour. This lack of a major feature makes the app a complete and utter waste of the $14.99 purchase price. I’m not even going top link to the app at the iTunes store because nobody should buy it.

Buying a “Le Tour De France” app without the ability to watch the race is like buying a night with Paris Hilton and only being able to talk quantum physics. Utterly pointless.