Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s loosest screws — so you don’t have to.
(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)
Note: New to the list this week is Courtney Love. Everybody went up in followers again. Jessica Simpson gained so many followers that she passed her younger sister Ashlee. And Lady Gaga surpassed Taylor Swift. For the record, you should not care about these numbers at all.
Courtney Love (http://twitter.com/courtneyloveuk) 17,608
“i need to be THROWN in the shower im GROSS”
Truer words have never been uttered on Twitter.
Olivia Wilde (http://twitter.com/Oliviawilde) 25,367 (up from 24,929)
“No, you don’t have to have seen the first Tron. as long as you can comprehend awesomeness, you’ll enjoy our movie. (out dec 17th, 2010)”
Those who can “comprehend awesomeness” won’t be seeing anything with “Tron” in the title. Remember, the original was Al Gore’s favorite movie.
Jenna Jameson (http://twitter.com/jennajameson) 95,088 (up from 93,115)
“KInd of a crappy day… I’m not sure, but it seems somethings in the water…like a jackass spore”
Jenna would know
Sarah Palin (http://twitter.com/SarahPalinUSA) 100,198 (up from 93,968)
“Stand up 4 Navy SEALs who stand up 4 us – question the agenda embraced by military brass working against SEALs who caught “the bad guy” 4 us”
Or, in the alternative, perhaps a well-reasoned politician might encourage Navy Seals not to jeopardize international relations by punching Muslims in the face?
Eva Longoria (http://twitter.com/EvaLongoria) 165,544 (up from 148,291)
“Snow boarding with my girlfriends! Girls weekend!!!”
Teenagers are girls. Women old enough to have teenagers are ladies — or at least they should be.
Kathy Griffin (http://twitter.com/kathygriffin) 259,244 (up from 256,728)
“What time zone am I watching in? Well, I’m in Wasilla, Alaska with Levi Johnston. For real.”
In other news, Wasilla, Alaska revealed to be the physical location of Hell
Ivanka Trump (http://twitter.com/IvankaTrump) 716,608 (up from 713,418)
“I’m headed to a friend’s wedding wearing heels that i am quickly discovering don’t jive with my top priority; to dance like a lunatic.”
Yoko Ono (http://twitter.com/yokoono) 797,630 (up from 791,016)
“Sunlight does not know the difference one from the other. It slips in from the walls and touches us”
Yoko, show me on this doll where the sunlight touched you
Lauren Conrad (http://twitter.com/LaurenConrad) 919,443 (up from 909,571)
“Only @kristin_ess can make hair grow into a tree… that blooms white roses… that turn into tea cups.”
Lauren be trippin’
Nicole Richie (http://twitter.com/nicolerichie) 953,267 (up from 940,219)
“Olive-Juice”
Khloe Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KhloeKardashian) 1,036,523 (up from 1,019,417)
“I am SOOOOO excited! I’m going home to LA today to see my husband for a few days! Yay!!! QT time with my baby”
“A few days” is quality time in a marriage? Or is that the maximum amount of time anyone can stand to be around you before permanently going insane?
Demetria Lovato (http://twitter.com/ddlovato) 1,492,377 (up from 1,459,690)
“HOUSTON!!!! WHAT UPPPP?!!?!”
The choice of caps coupled with the punctuation confounds me. Is she angry at Houston, thrilled with Houston, confused by Houston, or genuinely interested in what is up with Houston?
Selena Gomez (http://twitter.com/selenagomez) 1,568,634 (up from 1,543,448)
“Looking back at all my twitpics makes me feel old.. Ha”
Isn’t she like 13?
Paris Hilton (http://twitter.com/ParisHilton) 1,596.265 (up from 1,568,647)
“Huge
”
Paula Abdul (http://twitter.com/PaulaAbdul) 1,635,025 (up from 1,630,948)
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Paula repeatedly did John Stamos. Just sayin’
Katy Perry (http://twitter.com/katyperry) 1,959,104 (up from 1,916,812)
“I’m Blue Dabadidabadie…”
Words to live by
Lily Allen (http://twitter.com/lilyroseallen) 2,043,257 (up from 2,030,320)
“I’ve eaten a whole pack of crumpets this week.”
Ashlee Simpson (http://twitter.com/ashsimpsonwentz) 2,130,398 (up from 2,123,021)
“Holy Bananas.. I’m in the back of @kenpaves dog wagon which happens to be a bmw but I’m asw in the back..thumbs up dude where’s the water
”
Me thinks Ashlee needs to pee in a cup
Jessica Simpson (http://twitter.com/JessicaSimpson) 2,243,795 (up from 2,217,753)
“Just woke up after falling asleep reading this book “poemcrazy”! Poems that are crazy normally keep me awake!”
Oh, Jessica. Still trying to convince people you know how to read.
Taylor Swift (http://twitter.com/taylorswift13) 2,775,695 (up from 2,727,209)
“At the nail salon. Toes under the nail-dryer thing. They put me in front of the bowl of tootsie rolls. Now they’re having to refill it.”
Lady Gaga (http://twitter.com/ladygaga) 3,022,592 (up from 2,924,060)
“Love u little monsters miss u terrible champagne and orange squeeze. Its five o’clock somewhere”
Kim Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KimKardashian) 3,136,202 (up from 3,093,144)
“ohhhh who just won again!!!! ME!!!!!! woowhooo”
3.1 million followers are feeding this tw*t’s ego
Oprah Winfrey (http://twitter.com/Oprah) 3,246,763 (up from 3,218,202)
“15 minutes tune in to my Oscar special. Some cool celebs interviewing each other.”
Oprah is now judging who is cool. And pop culture goes even further down the drain












