TV or Not TV

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s loosest screws — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: New to the list this week is Courtney Love. Everybody went up in followers again. Jessica Simpson gained so many followers that she passed her younger sister Ashlee. And Lady Gaga surpassed Taylor Swift. For the record, you should not care about these numbers at all.

Courtney Love (http://twitter.com/courtneyloveuk) 17,608
“i need to be THROWN in the shower im GROSS”

Truer words have never been uttered on Twitter.

Olivia Wilde (http://twitter.com/Oliviawilde) 25,367 (up from 24,929)
“No, you don’t have to have seen the first Tron. as long as you can comprehend awesomeness, you’ll enjoy our movie. (out dec 17th, 2010)”

Those who can “comprehend awesomeness” won’t be seeing anything with “Tron” in the title. Remember, the original was Al Gore’s favorite movie.

Jenna Jameson (http://twitter.com/jennajameson) 95,088 (up from 93,115)
“KInd of a crappy day… I’m not sure, but it seems somethings in the water…like a jackass spore”

Jenna would know

Sarah Palin (http://twitter.com/SarahPalinUSA) 100,198 (up from 93,968)
“Stand up 4 Navy SEALs who stand up 4 us – question the agenda embraced by military brass working against SEALs who caught “the bad guy” 4 us”

Or, in the alternative, perhaps a well-reasoned politician might encourage Navy Seals not to jeopardize international relations by punching Muslims in the face?

Eva Longoria (http://twitter.com/EvaLongoria) 165,544 (up from 148,291)
“Snow boarding with my girlfriends! Girls weekend!!!”

Teenagers are girls. Women old enough to have teenagers are ladies — or at least they should be.

Kathy Griffin (http://twitter.com/kathygriffin) 259,244 (up from 256,728)
“What time zone am I watching in? Well, I’m in Wasilla, Alaska with Levi Johnston. For real.”

In other news, Wasilla, Alaska revealed to be the physical location of Hell

Ivanka Trump (http://twitter.com/IvankaTrump) 716,608 (up from 713,418)
“I’m headed to a friend’s wedding wearing heels that i am quickly discovering don’t jive with my top priority; to dance like a lunatic.”

Yoko Ono (http://twitter.com/yokoono) 797,630 (up from 791,016)
“Sunlight does not know the difference one from the other. It slips in from the walls and touches us”

Yoko, show me on this doll where the sunlight touched you

Lauren Conrad (http://twitter.com/LaurenConrad) 919,443 (up from 909,571)
“Only @kristin_ess can make hair grow into a tree… that blooms white roses… that turn into tea cups.”

Lauren be trippin’

Nicole Richie (http://twitter.com/nicolerichie) 953,267 (up from 940,219)
“Olive-Juice”

Khloe Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KhloeKardashian) 1,036,523 (up from 1,019,417)
“I am SOOOOO excited! I’m going home to LA today to see my husband for a few days! Yay!!! QT time with my baby”

“A few days” is quality time in a marriage? Or is that the maximum amount of time anyone can stand to be around you before permanently going insane?

Demetria Lovato (http://twitter.com/ddlovato) 1,492,377 (up from 1,459,690)
“HOUSTON!!!! WHAT UPPPP?!!?!”

The choice of caps coupled with the punctuation confounds me. Is she angry at Houston, thrilled with Houston, confused by Houston, or genuinely interested in what is up with Houston?

Selena Gomez (http://twitter.com/selenagomez) 1,568,634 (up from 1,543,448)
“Looking back at all my twitpics makes me feel old.. Ha”

Isn’t she like 13?

Paris Hilton (http://twitter.com/ParisHilton) 1,596.265 (up from 1,568,647)
“Huge ”

Paula Abdul (http://twitter.com/PaulaAbdul) 1,635,025 (up from 1,630,948)
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

Paula repeatedly did John Stamos. Just sayin’

Katy Perry (http://twitter.com/katyperry) 1,959,104 (up from 1,916,812)
“I’m Blue Dabadidabadie…”

Words to live by

Lily Allen (http://twitter.com/lilyroseallen) 2,043,257 (up from 2,030,320)
“I’ve eaten a whole pack of crumpets this week.”

Ashlee Simpson (http://twitter.com/ashsimpsonwentz) 2,130,398 (up from 2,123,021)
“Holy Bananas.. I’m in the back of @kenpaves dog wagon which happens to be a bmw but I’m asw in the back..thumbs up dude where’s the water ”

Me thinks Ashlee needs to pee in a cup

Jessica Simpson (http://twitter.com/JessicaSimpson) 2,243,795 (up from 2,217,753)
“Just woke up after falling asleep reading this book “poemcrazy”! Poems that are crazy normally keep me awake!”

Oh, Jessica. Still trying to convince people you know how to read.

Taylor Swift (http://twitter.com/taylorswift13) 2,775,695 (up from 2,727,209)
“At the nail salon. Toes under the nail-dryer thing. They put me in front of the bowl of tootsie rolls. Now they’re having to refill it.”

Lady Gaga (http://twitter.com/ladygaga) 3,022,592 (up from 2,924,060)
“Love u little monsters miss u terrible champagne and orange squeeze. Its five o’clock somewhere”

Kim Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KimKardashian) 3,136,202 (up from 3,093,144)
“ohhhh who just won again!!!! ME!!!!!! woowhooo”

3.1 million followers are feeding this tw*t’s ego

Oprah Winfrey (http://twitter.com/Oprah) 3,246,763 (up from 3,218,202)
“15 minutes tune in to my Oscar special. Some cool celebs interviewing each other.”

Oprah is now judging who is cool. And pop culture goes even further down the drain

"Parenthood" 1989

Two extended families, the Buchmans from 1989 and the Bravermans from 2010. Twenty years is not the only difference between the two.

Let us start with the patriarch of each family. 1989’s Frank (Jason Robards) was a tough talking, no nonsense drunk, but 2010’s Zeek (Craig T. Nelson) lives in a more politically correct society where drunks are no longer funny. Frank had a blind spot for his youngest son Larry (Tom Hulce), a loser who found himself in debt and with a son named Cool whom he barely knows. Zeek barely seems to register his youngest son Crosby (Dax Shepard), and Crosby doesn’t seem to resonate much on-screen either (though his current girlfriend is so baby-crazy that she keeps a canister of sperm in her freezer). Crosby finds himself with a young son named Jabbar from a former girlfriend.

The central contemporary fathers are played by known stars. Steve Martin played Gil and Peter Krause plays Adam. Both characters are proud men who want “normal” children, but have to accept something else. Gil’s acceptance seems to evolve from a series of comedic moments, while Adam’s comes through tear-filled moments between his wife Kristina (Monica Potter) and Zeek. It is worth noting the 20-year-old comedic moments were no less real than the weepy dramatic moments of today. In fact, there was a much greater number of one-liners and quips in the Buchman family than the Braverman family, but they didn’t take away from the story.

Gil has a sister named Helen (Dianne Wiest) and Adam has a sister named Sarah (Lauren Graham). Helen and Sarah both have children that they raise on their own. Gil’s sister’s daughter winds up married to Keanu Reeves while Adam’s sister’s daughter doesn’t seem to be of age just yet. Gil’s other sister is married to Rick Moranis and raises a genius daughter. Adam’s other sister is married to a nobody and raises an average daughter who seems to love her stay-at-home dad more than her workaholic mom.

The central theme of both incarnations of “Parenthood” seems to be that having a dysfunctional family isn’t the end of the world (as if anybody has seen a fully-functional family on television since “The Cosby Show” went off the air). But both families react to their respective dysfunction in different ways. When Gil’s kid is found to have psychological issues, Gil goes to extremes to avoid the label of “special ed” for his son. But Adam’s son gets his own label: Asperger’s. Two decades ago, a kid could receive counseling without having to be tagged as ADHD or OCD. Now, every child gets a label.

Towards the end of the ‘89 movie, Frank and Gil had a unique exchange where the father asked the son for parenting advice. Towards the end of the ‘10 pilot episode, Zeek and Adam had a generic exchange where the son asked the father for help. It seems odd that, given the time that has passed, the storytelling has actually reverted. Perhaps subsequent episodes will touch on the larger issues the movie faced (teen pregnancy, abortion, and marrying Keanu Reeves, to name but a few). The big issue facing the teens of the pilot episode concerned getting caught with wacky tobacky (admittedly not a modern euphemism, but the story was equally not modern).

There may be irony that a movie many would probably consider too old to be relevant manages to handle dysfunction with a greater degree of maturity in comparison to its present day television counterpart. In spite of Steve Martin’s levity, there is drama in the film. Which is not to say that the TV series doesn’t have potential. But whereas it is OK for a 20-year-old film to be quaint, a modern TV show doesn’t have that luxury. If they want to do a series about dysfunction, then they need to tackle the issues facing today’s families. They need to do it with humor, but they can’t sugarcoat reality.

"Parenthood" 2010

Not too long ago, I delightfully wasted an evening away with a combination of Guinness and classic episodes of “Match Game.” The ‘77 series stands out as my favorite because it featured my choice of the four seats that mattered: Brett and Charles up top and Richard and Betty on the bottom… the two seats on the far left of either row were superfluous to me.

I’ve decided that my dream job would be to serve as MC/host of a remake of “Match Game,” and I’d want the same cheesy set where contestants are spun in on a turntable and the doors don’t always open correctly (I think orange shag carpeting may be stylish again anyway). I’d also want a sot of “Match Game PM” inasmuch as the show should air in prime time on a network.

As for the panel of celebrity regulars, from the top left, Fred Willard, who has that old-school quick wit that makes the show fun. Then Sarah Silverman in the Brett chair, and author/speaker David Sedaris in the CNR seat.

Down at the bottom row, I’d stir it up a bit. A few months ago, I heard Melissa Gilbert on LA’s Mark & Brian radio show playing their daily trivia game. She was on the phone in her kitchen and she, with occasional shouts from husband Bruce Boxleitner (who was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast cereal), was bright and funny. I think both Melissa and Bruce would be fun on the show. Last but not least, in case you couldn’t see it coming a mile away, I’d have Shannen Doherty on the set, probably in the bottom left seat generally reserved for the hot, big haired chicks in the show’s original run.

So, my list:

Fred Willard, Sarah Silverman, David Sedaris,

Shannen Doherty, Bruce Boxleitner, Melissa Gilbert

If I wasn’t allowed to host, I’d want either Conan O’Brien or Neil Patrick Harris to do it.

But I want to host.

I concede that it would be hard to match the chemistry of the ’70s incarnations of the show, but since every other d*mned thing is being remade (and remade poorly, by people who seem to want nothing from an original series but its title), I think I’d enjoy remaking a show with people who revered the original, understood it was a winning format, and had no interest in turning it into a soap opera or introducing an evil twin or in any other way molesting the program.

I would want the set to mimic the set from “Match Game” modified, of course, for widescreen TVs. I’d want the host to hold one of those long handled microphones and wear a three piece suit. I’d want at least the first month of shows to feature as many classic panelists (Bob Barker, Bill Daly, George Kennedy, Betty White, etc.) as possible. And I’d want anyone on the production staff who says “I’ve got a way to make this show even better!” to be fired on the spot.

Looking at the tweets of celebrity bimbi (plural of bimbo) — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: All the tw*ts gained more followers since last week. I’ve added a few more to the list this week.

Olivia Wilde (http://twitter.com/Oliviawilde) 24,929
“In the waiting room backstage of Bill Maher Show they provide deodorant. Should I be worried?”

Jenna Jameson (http://twitter.com/jennajameson) 93,115 (up from 91,973)
“This seriously has been the most f*cked up 3 months EVER… don’t even ask. I’m back and ready to slap bitches”

I think I saw her do that in a movie once

Sarah Palin (http://twitter.com/SarahPalinUSA) 93,968
“Sean Hannity docu tonight!It captures essence of T-Party movement,which is U.S.political future bc we crave freedom&opportunity&common sense”

Anyone else enjoy the irony that this tw*t is talking about common sense? Anyone else enjoy the fact that this tw*t has apx. as many followers as a former porn star?

Eva Longoria (http://twitter.com/EvaLongoria) 148,291 (up from 133,947)
“Loren this jewelry is sick! I’m gonna keep rocking it!!!”

Kathy Griffin (http://twitter.com/kathygriffin) 254,466 (up from 256,728)
“Status: SINGLE”

Status: Not surprised

Ivanka Trump (http://twitter.com/IvankaTrump) 713,418 (up from 709,371)
“don’t worry…I’m in a cab. I don’t tweet and drive!”

Yoko Ono (http://twitter.com/yokoono) 791,016 (up from 782,320)
“Sometimes you find yourself in this room. Suddenly or gradually, you know you are being pushed into a room without a door”

Ms. Ono seems to be lost in the Winchester mansion again

Lauren Conrad (http://twitter.com/LaurenConrad) 909,571 (up from 902,794)
“Eep!! My toes are frozen and bright red!”

Nicole Richie (http://twitter.com/nicolerichie) 940,219 (up from 926,749)
“Them Parisians sho is klassy!”

Khloe Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KhloeKardashian) 1,019,417 (up from 991,758)
“Everyone retweet that please ”

No.

Demetria Lovato (http://twitter.com/ddlovato) 1,459,690 (up from 1,427,767)
“You. Will. NOT. Break. Me!”

With. One. Hand. Tied. Behind. My. Back. In. The. Dark.

Selena Gomez (http://twitter.com/selenagomez) 1,543,448
“You try a little harder if your scared -Rocky”

Analogy time: Teenage Disney star is to Sylvester Stallone as future porn star is to former porn star

Paris Hilton (http://twitter.com/ParisHilton) 1,568,647 (up from 1,537,974)
“Just finished shooting, on my way home to get ready for tonight. ”

I just pictured Paris with a rifle, out on another killing spree

Paula Abdul (http://twitter.com/PaulaAbdul) 1,630,948 (up from 1,625,079)
“Water your dream with motivation and it will grow into reality”

I just pictured Paula sitting at home eating cheese puffs, watching Ellen on “American Idol”

Katy Perry (http://twitter.com/katyperry) 1,916,812 (up from 1,870,439)
“I have a rope!”

Lily Allen (http://twitter.com/lilyroseallen) 2,030,320
“louis waymouth is still wanking, and after all this time !”

This seems to me like a Mad-Libs fill-in-the-blank

Jessica Simpson (http://twitter.com/JessicaSimpson) 2,217,753
“Take ur right hand draw a circle in the air going clockwise then while at the same time lift your leg and draw a 6 with ur right foot”

No, thanks, but I’ll pay you a quarter if I can watch you do that

Ashlee Simpson (http://twitter.com/ashsimpsonwentz) 2,123,021 (up from 2,115,036)
“Didn’t see me in NY handing out Pieces Candies w/ Hershey’s! … learn how you can try Pieces Candies for free”

From pop star to the “free sample lady” — now, that’s a setback

Lady Gaga (http://twitter.com/ladygaga) 2,924,060 (up from 2,835,164)
“What a f*cking night. Sweating, pumping, dancing, mental human beings my fans are. Paws for miles and liquor. Freedom! Ill never leave u,”

Taylor Swift (http://twitter.com/taylorswift13) 2,727,209 (up from 2,672,723)
“Management meeting. We got a giant new conference room table. My mom and my manager are talking on walkie talkies from opposite ends of it.”

Kim Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KimKardashian) 3,093,144 (up from 3,043,356)
“So I’m wearing a jumpsuit…do I do my hair down, glam, long curly or sleek tight pony tail?”

Be bold. Shave it off and go Kojak!

Oprah Winfrey (http://twitter.com/Oprah) 3,218,202 (up from 3,186,151)

Oprah didn’t tweet anything new this week, and I thank her for that.