90210 Episode Guide

Previously on Shannen Doherty:

Having alienated herself from every actor and producer in the
industry, Shannen Doherty made the transition to reality television.
Having alienated herself from reality, Shannen Doherty attempts a
recurring role on a remake of a series in which she once starred. Oh,
how the mediocre have fallen. If Aaron Spelling hadn’t been frozen in
carbonite, he’d be spinning in his grave.

Tonight on Shannen Doherty:

Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend from “Full House” is in a car with the guy
from “Silk Stockings” and two kids I assume are their new TV children.
It is the Wilson family, the new Walsh family, but edgier… one of
kids is an adopted African-American who looks 23, the other is a busty
chick from Kansas who looks 19… yet they are both in high school. As
they drive past stock footage, they arrive at their new home and are
greeted by Lucille Bluth from “Arrested Development.” In the
background, music from artists nobody will remember in six months is
playing. A teenage boy is getting a blowjob in his car… I am
supposed to be offended.

Cut to a wisecracking teacher who is so totally relating to
wisecracking students. Cut to Jennie Garth’s breasts. I think there is
dialogue in the scene, but Ms. Garth’s breasts are somewhat
distracting. Blowjob boy, a.k.a. Ethan, seems to be juggling three
girls… and I am supposed to feel sympathy for him. There is a
Gilbert and Sullivan reference… it appears they are uncool because
they are old.

The opening credits roll. I feel like I need a shower. Where is Shannen Doherty?

A girl who looks kind of like Shannen Doherty if you squint has a drug
problem. A different girl named Silver is like Dylan without a
penis… in other words, exactly like Dylan. A girl with big hair who
looks kind of like Tori Spelling if you squint has the same acting
problem as Tori Spelling (her dad must be producing the series). Kids
in a Southern California high school are excited about lacrosse…
only in the mind of a Hollywood writer.

The second commercial break comes and goes. I feel like I need two
showers. Where the f*ck is Shannen Doherty?

Lucille Bluth tells it like it is. The adopted brother and sister are
lying in the same bed… A Very Brady Creepy. The wisecracking teacher
hangs out at the same bar as the big haired girl… A Very Statutory
Creepy. An old flame of Mr. Wilson gets drunk. Lucille Bluth tells it
disturbing. The girl who looks kind of like Shannen Doherty if you
squint steals a purse.

The third commercial break comes and goes. I feel like I need to coat
myself in boric acid and take three showers. Where the flying f*ck is
Shannen Doherty?

The cute girl from Kansas is being teased by Silver, who posts online
cartoons that are, if possible, less amusing than JibJab. Jennie
Garth’s breasts reappear and… oh… her breasts and Silver are
sisters.

Ethan lies. The cute girl from Kansas is mad. Big haired girl stole a
report written by the cute girl from Kansas. The cute girl from Kansas
is mad. The big haired girl is sporting a substantial camel toe. The
cute girl from Kansas steals the thunder from the girl who looks kind
of like Shannen Doherty if you squint.

The fourth commercial break comes and goes. I feel like I need to
scrape off a few layers of skin with a razor blade and shave off all
of my hair… my outsides feel unclean. Where in the holy flying f*ck
is Shannen Doherty?

The big haired girl with a camel toe is caught cheating, but Mr.
Wilson gives her a chance to prove herself. Ethan turns out to be only
mildly sleazy.

The fifth commercial break comes and goes. Forget about my outsides…
they’ll never be clean again. I now feel like I need to drink bleach
to sanitize my insides. Where in the holy flying f*cking f*ck is
Shannen Doherty?

The cute girl from Kansas, who was grounded for giving a paper to the
big haired girl with a camel toe, skips out of her house to go to a
party. Apparently the party is hooker-themed. People laugh at the idea
teenage kids would attend church… twice. The big haired girl, no
longer sporting a camel toe but now wearing what appears to be a
stylish, form-fitting Hefty bag, finds out Ethan has been cheating on
her… and I honestly don’t know who I am supposed to feel sorry for.

As hour two of this stupidity begins, Silver drags the cute chick from
Kansas to the beach. They meet up with Ethan who, after screwing
around on three girls, I guess I am supposed to like. Jennie Garth’s
breasts have a four-year-old kid (whom, I assume, still breast feeds).
Mr. Wilson has a kid he didn’t know about with the mother of the big
haired girl.

Lucille Bluth is a smart-mouthed lush… how out of character for her.
A rival lacrosse team has trashed West Beverly High. The cute girl
from Kansas is infatuated with a guy who looks like a goth Mr. Rogers.
Jennie Garth’s breasts flirt with the wisecracking teacher. The latest
unfunny JibJab (redundant, I know) features the big haired girl, who
is not amused. Ethan is slapped… it was OK that he cheated, but not
OK that people know about it.

I’m too depressed to count how many commercial breaks have come and
gone. Not only am I unclean, inside and out, but I now feel the need
to set my apartment complex ablaze… gotta make the icky go away.
Where in the holy flying mother-f*cking f*ck is Shannen Doherty?

The adopted African-American kid wants to come up with “the dopest
prank” as retaliation for the trashing of the school. Lucille Bluth
bonds with him… how dope is that? Goth Mr. Rogers owns a Bentley and
a private jet. He wisks Annie (it was getting too time consuming to
keep typing “the cute chick from Kansas”) to San Francisco for dinner.
Jennie Garth’s breasts continue to flirt with a wisecracking teacher
who utters the phrase “he’s just not that into you”… clearly he is
homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Cut to stock footage of San Francisco and a computer generated Golden
Gate Bridge in the background to mask the appearance of a jetsetting
date.

Finally… after 90 minutes of absolute crap… Shannen Doherty
arrives (woo-hoo!), and so does Nat (like I care). Shannen Doherty
reunites with Jennie Garth’s breasts. But instead of following Shannen
Doherty around with a camera, the next scene involves teenagers and a
prank involving pigs. And in the following scene, Lucille Bluth gets
into a car accident, which you hear about but don’t actually see.

Almost immediately after Annie’s date with the goth Mr. Rogers ends,
Annie and Ethan bond. Birds of a feather, I suppose.

The pill-popping Shannen Doherty lookalike (not to be confused with
the genuine article) bonds with the big haired girl, who is once again
sporting a camel toe. Silver and Annie talk and talk and talk and…
where the heck is Shannen Doherty? She’s been on the show for less
than a minute!

Mrs. Wilson, a.k.a. Jesse’s girlfriend, discovers a matchbook from a
San Francisco restaurant amongst Annie’s possessions, because teenage
girls who don’t smoke typically snag matchbooks when out on dates with
guys. The big haired girl bangs another guy to make Ethan jealous.
Ethan breaks up with her, because if there’s one thing a three-timing
guy can’t stand, it’s a two-timing girl.

Shannen Doherty reappears, but only to open the door for the
wisecracking teacher at the home of Jennie Garth’s breasts. Shannen
looks good. Really, really good.

As Ethan prepares to woo Annie, he witnesses her kissing the goth Mr.
Rogers. And yes, Annie did quote the cliched line about not being in
Kansas anymore.

I am curious… if I were to whack myself in the head with hammer two
or three times, would I find the lives of any of these characters
compelling? No wonder The CW didn’t provide preview copies to critics.