90210 Episode Guide

Previously on Shannen Doherty:

Not me. But all she has to do is ask.

Tonight on Shannen Doherty:

Not her. D*mnit!

Pressing onward, it is angst aplenty as we reenter the Hills of Beverly. It is breakfast time in the Wilson household, and Annie’s skirt couldn’t get any shorter unless they moved the series to subscription based cable. The big haired girl mentioned Coldplay, so clearly the show’s writers read a three-year-old issue of Tiger Beat magazine.

Jennie Garth’s breasts bantered with her sister Silver. Then they flirted with the wisecracking teacher. The Wilson parents plan “family night.” On a Friday night when both kids would rather be spending time with friends, it seems they will have to go bowling instead. Who knew the Wilsons were Lutheran?

It is stock footage aplenty as images of every part of Southern California except Beverly Hills are used to cut in from commercial breaks. Silver prefers a homeless shelter to living with her mother. Annie is working up quite the little love triangle with two guys who look, sound, and act exactly the same. In an effort to weasel out of family night, both Wilson kids invite every resident of Beverly Hills to bowling, though they aren’t quite desperate enough to invite anyone in the valley. Meanwhile, the big haired girl, once again sporting a camel toe you could crack an egg on, won’t be spending the evening with her father, who is much too busy with business.

Silver is the first to butt into family night at the lanes. Jennie Garth’s breasts go out on a date with the wisecracking teacher. Jennie Garth’s breasts’ son might be the child of a character from the first incarnation of the series, only it seems the writers are moving too fast for the casting department, so the father isn’t named.

Before you can say, “lame, corny TV premise,” the entire student body of West Beverly High School is bowling… except for the big haired girl, who wants to pick up dinner for her dad and bring it to him at work. Gee… I’d be shocked if she discovered her father with a woman other than her mother.

What a shock… the big haired girl discovered her father with a woman other than her mother. The big haired girl has a nervous breakdown in the parking lot of the bowling alley, and everybody she ticked off in the previous episode consoles her. As the evening winds down, it seems everybody has somewhere to go and someone to be with… except Silver.

It turns out Silver’s mom is an abusive drunk. It turns out, the adopted Wilson son came from a rough family history, too. After some Emmy(TM)(R)(C) Award winning dramatic acting, it is decided Silver gets to stay with the Wilsons for a while.

It turns out the big haired girl’s mom already knows about “the other woman.” And the mom is alright with it. The big haired girl is not.

Jennie Garth’s breasts confront her mom. Silver joins them both in a scream-filled Beverly Hills version of “family night.” Silver moves out of her mother’s house and into the home of Jennie Garth’s breasts.

The episode concludes with a musical montage, and no trace of Shannen Doherty.

I feel so used.