What the Hoff used to cook: “Baywatch: Panic at Malibu Pier”

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Parker Stevenson, Erika Eleniak, Billy Warlock, Shawn Weatherly, Wendie Malick, and Richard Jaeckel

The panic began during the opening credits, which featured the first slow motion shots of Hasselhoff’s bouncing man boobs. The panic continued in the form of Hasselhoff having to act like a kind and loving father. Then the panic subsided for awhile while Erika “I showed my boobs in Under Siege” Eleniak tried to flirt with Billy “I could have spent my days kissing Melissa Reeves, but I chose to join the cast of Baywatch instead” Warlock, but the magic wasn’t there.

As the soft music played, a bicycling teenage girl peddled her way towards Malibu Pier, where panic would almost certainly ensue.

Hasselhoff played newly promoted Lt. Mitch Buchanan. Mitch was not enthused about the promotion, since it meant more time behind a desk and less time working a lifeguard tower. Parker “my second favorite Hardy boy” Stevenson played Craig, who tries to balance being a lifeguard with being a trial lawyer.  Richard “the best Martin Quirk” Jaeckel played Al, a lifeguard facing mandatory retirement.

While Craig waited for a tow truck to help fish his stranded lifeguard vehicle out from under the pier, he witnessed the teenager (who so previously rode her bicycle) take the proverbial long walk off of the short Malibu Pier. After nearly 30 seconds of panic, all was once again well with the world. The teenage girl developed an unhealthy crush on Craig, though it could be said that any crush on Parker Stevenson is unhealthy.

Erika Eleniak was Shawnee, NBC’s version of Pam Anderson (who was actually syndication’s answer to Nicole Eggert). I’ll say this for her: She looked smokin’ hot in her swimsuit. Billy Warlock was Eddie, a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, trying to prove himself as a lifeguard… you know, like ya do.

Cue the Bruce Hornsby music and a video montage of lifeguards not panicking at Malibu Pier.

Trevor Cole had a foreign accent and a job lifeguarding for a private club along Mitch’s stretch of beach. Trevor had what television believed was “attitude.” Mitch was not amused.

Laurie the stalking teenager had her own ominous musical score. And she was so crazy, she’d key the car of any other girl Craig rescued. Now that’s crazy.

Cue the next montage, this one featured a blond in a bikini.

A riptide. Finally, panic at Malibu Pier. The Pacific Ocean was filled with men and women in red bathing suits, fishing extras out of the water. Trevor Cole bypassed an ugly dude to rescue a hot chick. Mitch was not amused. Shawnee froze up when her rescue skills were needed most. She was reduced to a quivering ball of goo… but a cute, quivering ball of goo.

Wendie “Just Shoot Her” Malick played Mitch’s ex-wife, and she wanted full custody of their son, Hobie. I think naming a child Hobie is grounds for both parents losing custody. It would be like parents of today naming their son Hollister.

As the sun set on another glorious day of sand and surf, I was again reminded that there was not, by and large, a lot of panic. Though Laurie did sneak into Craig’s lifeguard tower, which led to a mild statutory panic on Craig’s part. And when she opened her robe to reveal her naked flesh (to Craig, not the home viewing audience… it was NBC, after all), Craig was embarrassed for them both. Because, you see, Craig was already married.

Mitch’s captain ordered him to pull Al off of active lifeguard duty. Al tried to convince the captain that he really was in “The Dirty Dozen,” but nobody ever remembers. But there’s no time to be depressed, because it is time for a TV movie party!

Yes, a TV movie party features music you won’t hear anywhere else, and the actors exchange furtive glances while drinking brandless beer. Stock audio of small talk, the same stock audio of small talk first recorded in 1965, is mixed improperly, so the voice of the lady with the high pitched laugh drowns out the supposedly meaningful conversations.

And then there’s Laurie, who shimmies between Craig and his wife with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. She calls Craig in the middle of the night, threatening suicide. Again, he rescues her. And it turns out she has a history of violence. Craig left Laurie alone with his wife. Finally, time to panic… under (not at) Malibu Pier.

Al takes Hobie out on a fishing boat, and one of the crewmen causes an explosion in the galley (far from Malibu Pier). Al’s actions result in several lives being saved… but not his own. Fortunately, his character gets written back into the series in later episodes, the knowledge of which makes the memorial-at-sea sort of anti-climactic.

There was enough time left at the end of the movie for an upbeat montage featuring another Bruce Hornsby song, because the moral of the story is that life goes on, unless you don’t live near the ocean, in which case you are better off dead.