What the Hoff used to cook: “Knight Rider 2000″

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Edward Mulhare, Mitch Pileggi, Susan Norman, Carmen Argenziano, and the voice of William Daniels

In 1991, the year 2000 was expected to be the biggest thing ever. According to noted futurist Glen. A Larson, Dan Quayle was to be the President of the United States. Vehicle license plates were to be replaced by bar codes. James Doohan was to be a “special guest star”… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Not to sound like my least favorite recurring “Late Night” sketch, but in the year 2000, the world needs a hero. And that hero needs a talking car voiced by William Daniels. The hero: not Michael Knight. He retired, coincidentally, the exact same moment the TV series “Knight Rider” was canceled. A new hero was needed, and although one man could make a difference in the 1980s, the 21st century needed something new: a chick. And this heroic chick needed a backstory. And if her backstory could somehow be woven into the already known story of Michael Knight, and if the actor who once played Michael Knight could be enticed/bribed into an extended cameo, and if that cameo could be promoted as the main storyline, then we might have the makings of a made-for-TV movie. We might also have a failed pilot for a potential new NBC series. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would be interested in a modern version of “Knight Rider?”

Our story begins in February, 2000 at the Quayton State Prison. In “the future,” prison overcrowding has led the government to cryogenically freeze inmates and store them in a poorly rendered matte painting… er… freezer facility. Oddly enough, one of the prisoner-pops gets thawed and paroled. The prisoner’s name is Watts, and Watts, played by Mitch “I’m not just Mulder and Scully’s boss, I’m also on Stargate: Atlantis” Pileggi, is not a friendly guy.

Police stations of the future still contain cut rate extras and low budget character actors. Rookie Officer Shawn McCormick, played by Susan “my face is on a milk carton” Norman, is a little green, but she’s tough and able to withstand the witty banter of a co-ed locker room. During a shooting at a party hosted by the mayor, the police are essentially powerless, armed only with “ultra-sound” pistols. Though the mayor is killed, McCormick, who happened to be outside the building at the time, makes a daring move and saves a hostage.

Meanwhile, the Knight 4000 is being pitched to a futuristic city council by none other than Devon Miles and his protege, the easily irritable Russ Maddock, played by Carmen “I was on Stargate: SG-1″ Argenziano. The city isn’t buying it. Devon knows that without help, the Knight Foundation is sunk.

As a no longer young loner, now on a crusade to fish, emerges from a lake, Devon greets his old friend Michael Knight and pleads him for help. Michael agrees, on one condition: a reunion with his pal KITT. Devon agrees. There’s just one problem: Maddock had KITT disassembled and sold off several of KITT’s parts.

Shawn is skeptical about the handgun she found at the crime scene and asks her partner to look into it, but she doesn’t dwell on it for too long. A surprise birthday party makes her feel welcomed and loved by her fellow men and women in blue. As her celebration gets underway, Michael pulls an overnighter in a garage, trying to get KITT back to life. And though KITT’s “body” is gone, his blinking lights and Dr. Mark Craig’s voice still exist, and the banter between KITT and Michael is the same as it ever was.

The next evening, Shawn chases down an armed homeless man, only to be shot in the head at point blank range by the recently paroled Watts. To further complicate things, the homeless man turns out to be a cop.

In the operating room, the police commissioner authorizes a risky procedure that involves reading Shawn’s RNA, which somehow enables Shawn’s memories to be encoded and viewed. Due to the severe head trauma, her memories are a jumbled mass, bouncing from her childhood to the present day. When the commissioner refuses to authorize a risky procedure to save Shawn’s life due to, she claims, budgetary reasons, the doctor chooses to ignore her and proceeds with the surgery anyway.

Watts has found an abandoned yet pristine hotel lobby and converted it into his very own Legion of Doom headquarters. His plans are simple: arm everyone with handguns confiscated by the police… for a price, of course. Only one obstacle stands in his way: the Knight Foundation. Devon already suspects police involvement in the recent crime increase.

KITT finally has a new body… a ‘57 Chevy, but he’s still missing vital components which allow him to function at full capacity. As a result, he accidentally stuns James “Scotty” Doohan, believing him to be a criminal.

A recovered Shawn is not happy when she learns the commissioner essentially tried to pull the plug on her. She quits the force, but still feels compelled to serve. She interviews with Maddock and Devon in the hopes of a job with the Knight Foundation. As she answers questions, it is revealed part of Shawn’s life-saving surgery involved having a chip installed in her brain. When Michael enters the room announcing he’s discovered one of KITT’s missing chips was placed into the head of a cop, Devon points to Shawn and says, “Michael, meet the missing chip.”

In the interest of full disclosure, a very dear and very departed friend of mine was a bigger fan of the original “Knight Rider” than I ever was. And I can recall seeing him the day after “Knight Rider 2000″ first aired. When I asked him what he thought of it, he said he hung in there until he heard the words “Michael, meet the missing chip.” At that point, he couldn’t bear to watch another second of the show. That I forge ahead through the remaining hour of “Knight Rider 2000″ is a tribute to his memory.

KITT and the prototype Knight 4000 are alone together in a garage. KITT attempts small talk, but the Knight 4000 is disinterested in automotive bonding… so to speak. Michael’s attempts to chat up Shawn also does not go well. KITT’s introduction to Shawn also does not go well. As near as I can tell, in the future, nobody gets along.

Shawn has lunch with her former partner, hoping to gather information about the possible police corruption. Watts interrupts the meeting and introduces himself to Shawn, but her scrambled brain doesn’t recognize Watts as the man who nearly killed her. Records from the RNA scan prove negative, but Shawn believes the doctor erased the records. KITT has one last, dangerous idea. He could send an electric jolt from his gear shift to Shawn to jog her memory, but Shawn could suffer brain damage. Her memories play out on a monitor, but in a mix of disjointed images, including a false memory of Shawn and Michael swinging on a porch, but the jolt ultimately reveals Watts as the shooter and the police conspiracy that includes her former partner.

Michael has a plan. It involves Shawn sneaking into the police records room while Michael connects KITT to a patrol unit’s computer to receive downloaded files. Though they get away with it, one of the dirty cops sees Shawn leave the records room.

The Knight 4000, actually a Pontiac Banshee concept car, is given a final test drive with Maddock and Devon. A deer appears in the road, but the Knight 4000 neglects to swerve to avoid it, forcing Maddock to take the wheel and do it himself. The 4000’s reason for not swerving was because it would have sustained no damage by hitting it. At the conclusion of the test drive, Devon says the only thing the Knight 4000 lacks is “KITT’s humanity.” As Devon heads back to the Knight Foundation, he is knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile, Michael, Shawn, and KITT are chased by cars filled with the dirty cops. Unable to evade in a ‘57 Chevy, KITT makes a daring move and drives himself, along with Shawn and Michael, off of a pier. As KITT sinks underwater, he reveals that Michael and Shawn are safe inside an airtight portion of the car, but KITT’s circuits are fried by the salt water.

Devon is dragged unconscious for an RNA scan, wherein clips of the original pilot episode of “Knight Rider” (a.k.a. Devon’s memories) are played back. Then Watts and his cohorts kill Devon. Not cool, though I suppose he can finally return to haunting Mrs. Muir.

There is a funeral for Devon, but it seems to double for KITT, if not the entire Knight Foundation. Everybody is bummed, and if they didn’t get along before, they really don’t get along now. Michael sinks into a deep funk, but Shawn convinces him to come back to put right what once went wrong… hoping the next leap will be the leap home… or something like that. The Knight 4000 is still listed as one of their assets, but Michael has something else in mind.

Without Maddock’s permission, Michael replaces the CPU for the Knight 4000 with KITT’s CPU. KITT is reborn in a sleek, new skin, equipped with state-of-the-art tools for catching bad guys.

Hoping an ounce of compassion resides in her former partner, Shawn visits him and asks him to turn on the other dirty cops. Watts kills Shawn’s former partner before he can rat out the others. Using KITT’s new surveillance gear, the knights in shining Pontiac record a conversation implicating the new mayor with Watts and the gun running scheme.

The plan to catch the criminals “red handed” results in a car chase, which longtime fans of the original series would never have suspected. But Watts pulled an old-fashioned bait and switch. KITT is the only vehicle able to pursue the vehicles with Watts and the guns, but the streets are too crowded. Fortunately, KITT’s new body doubles as a boat, and the team navigates their way through the city’s canal system and catches up with the bad guys at a shopping mall.

Inside the mall, it is time for some good ol’ butt kicking. Fortunately, a crooked female cop is around for Shawn to take down, otherwise she would only be able to sit and watch as the original Knight Rider took down the big, bad Mr. Watts.

As the mayor is put into cryogenic prison for his crimes, viewers who needed just a little more convincing that freezing inmates was a bad idea heard the warden mention that “an old man named Manson” was scheduled for release.

It turns our Michael has had enough excitement for one lifetime (two, actually), so he leaves KITT partnered with Shawn, and Maddock assumes the role once belonging to Devon. Things go well until the Knight 3000 is created and voiced by Val “the second worst Batman of all time” Kilmer… but that’s another story for another day.