90210 Episode Guide

Previously on Shannen Doherty:

Shannen was missing in action. One can only hope she was getting a job on a better show, like “According to Jim.”

Tonight on Shannen Doherty:

The school’s drama teacher had to take a leave of absence, so Lucille Bluth volunteered to take over the school’s big musical pageant. The big haired girl is still unhappy about her dad having an affair. But she seems more unhappy that her mom isn’t unhappy about it.

Woo-hoo! Shannen Doherty returns (yes, I actually used “Woo-hoo!” in a non-sarcastic way… shut up)! She and Jennie Garth’s breasts chat in the high school lunch room. Apparently, her character is now an actress in legitimate theater.

The young Mr. Dixon Wilson gets into an accident while driving the older Mr. Wilson’s car in the high school parking lot, but hopes his dad (who is also the high school principal) won’t find out.

Annie agrees to date one of her interchangeable boy toys. I assume the other boy toy won’t be happy about it, but since I can’t tell them apart, it hardly seems important. But sure enough, Annie encounters her other boy toy, and when he finds out she has plans, he is not happy.

The big haired girl tries to reconcile with Silver, whose father also had an affair, but that dog won’t hunt.

When Lucille Bluth makes a spectacle of herself during the musical rehearsal, Annie begs her dad to find someone new. Mr. Wilson asks Jennie Garth’s breasts if she knows anyone. Reenter Shannen Doherty.

Nat hires Dixon to work at “The Peach Pit” so he can pay off the damage to the car he hit. Something tells me this storyline will not pay off in any meaningful way.

Silver tries to convince Annie that the interchangeable guy she’s dating will always be hung up on the big haired girl. The big haired girl hears her dad scheduling what she believes to be a rendezvous with his mistress.

I’m not sure, not having been a regular viewer of the original series, but I think the guy who may or may not be attracted to the big haired girl lives in the old Walsh house. And he has a brother with severe OCD (possibly Autism). The big haired girl (and I swear I’m not making this up) with the camel toe decides to confront the mistress.

Shannen again references the mysterious father of the other former cast member (no, not Nat).

The big haired girl meets the mistress. The mistress says she loves the big haired girl’s father. And the father cares enough about the mistress to allow her to move into the family’s beach house. I wonder if the father knows how many homes he owns. Regardless, the news the affair was more than just a fling finally seemed to affect the big haired girl’s mom.

Somebody asks somebody else out. I don’t know who. I don’t care who. I don’t think they cared, either.

Annie was mad at one of her interchangeable boy toys for canceling a date, so she tried to make a date with the other interchangeable boy toy. But that boy toy made a date with somebody else. So she baked him cookies. Then she kissed him, and all was forgiven, though I’m not sure who needed forgiveness. I swear, this is what passes for “drama” on The CW.

After “quitting” as director of the school musical, Lucille Bluth told her granddaughter Annie, “You’re in good hands with Brenda.” I’d like to be.

Jennie Garth’s breasts got mad at Shannen. I’m not sure why, but it turned out… finally… that “Dylan” was revealed to be the mysterious absent father.

Dixon confessed his car accident to Mr. Wilson. After the “aw, shucks” moment, life moved on.

Here’s how bad tonight’s show was: The preview for next week’s “Gossip Girl” looked more entertaining.