What the Hoff used to cook: “Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Lisa Rinna

Do not mistake the character of Nick Fury as a shameless ripoff of Snake Plissken. Clearly, a lot of shame went into the ripoff.

Hasselhoff played the eye-patch wearing, cigar smoking, one-liner spewing Fury, using the same mannerisms he used when he played Garth Knight, the evil twin of his signature character. Lisa “my lips are insured for $1 million by Lloyd’s of London” Rinna played Contessa Val. She and a generic guy with an equally generic British accent recruited Fury back to “S.H.I.E.L.D.” which stands for “Supreme Headquarters International Law Enforcement Division,” which, I know should be S.H.I.L.E.D., but I didn’t write this crap, so leave me alone.

Fury once worked for the agency when it was a team of handpicked agents defending the world from evil. But it seems to have become a bunch of stuffed shirts and chicks in tight pleather. It does have a Bond-esque “Q” branch, which has created an android double of Nick Fury. I am fighting the urge to make the obvious joke about Hasselhoff being android-like no matter which character he plays.

During the obligatory (and exposition-filled) briefing scene, it is revealed that the children of the man responsible for Fury losing an eye are hellbent on destroying the world using the “death’s head” virus. They front an evil organization known as Hydra, where everybody is blond haired and blue eyed. Viper, the evil chick with a farcical accent (possibly German… possibly Mooselvanian), plans to unleash the virus on Manhattan.

Fury and the tight-pants-wearing Contessa Val head to Berlin to interrogate a scientist who knows about the virus. Along with a sexy German INTERPOL agent, they flee gunmen with all the marksmanship of Cobra soldiers in the 1980s “G.I. Joe” cartoon. A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent capable of reading minds scans the scientist and uncovers a ton of violent stock footage. The German agent wants to meet privately with Fury. She turns out to be the evil Viper. Viper simultaneously kisses Fury and poisons him. Fury has 40 hours left to live, unless a sample of Viper’s blood can be retrieved and converted into an antidote.

Hydra delivers their ultimatum. New York is doomed. You know… more than usual. Fury’s plan is twofold: Find the bomb and locate Viper. The tie-wearing director of operations tells Fury his pending death makes him ineligible to lead the mission. Fury ignores the orders. Nick Fury: Agent of Cliches.

While the Contessa and her team fail to find the truck with the virus, Fury and his team in the air are attacked and forced to eject from their plane/helicopter/blimp.The virus is being housed in a converted trash truck circling New York City. Meanwhile, Nick Fury: Agent of Pleather storms the villain’s lair. Fury suspects a trap, but he is apprehended before he can do anything about it.

The evil Viper still hasn’t worked out what accent she’s using, but she manages to reveal the bulk of her sinister plans, as well as the plans of Destro, Skeletor, and a half dozen other generic bad guys. That said, Viper looks good in a corset. For that matter, Val looks good in tight, pleather pants. Seriously, kudos to the wardrobe department.

Fury and his team (the mind reader and the generic British dude) are stuck in a freezer, until he remembers he has a prosthetic eye filled with enough explosive to blow the door. At the same time, Val takes out the team guarding the garbage truck.

Time seems to be running out for Fury, and the launch codes are transmitted to the rockets containing the virus. Fury fights the hot, evil chick, who shoots Fury three times in the chest. All seems lost… that is, if you forgot about the android double.

With five minutes before the detonation, Fury must secure the abort code, or millions will die. Their only chance is for the mind reader to probe Viper’s mind. With seconds to spare and tons of extreme close-ups to endure, the code is finally revealed. New York is saved.

S.H.I.E.L.D.’s flying headquarters is sent to retrieve Fury, but a second countdown commences. In all the chaos, Viper escapes, but not before enough of her blood can be taken to save Fury’s life.

Fury and Val share a tender moment, but not too tender.

In the epilogue, Viper’s father turns out to be alive.

The moral of the story is that a one-eyed bastard can make a difference… just not a very big one. As a one-eyed bastard myself, I take dubious comfort in that.