90210 Episode Guide

Previously on Shannen Doherty:

Rich, pretty people do rich, pretty things in a rich, pretty city. Meanwhile, I spilled root beer on my futon. Stain Guard, my ass.

Tonight on Shannen Doherty:

Barring a last minute contract negotiation, Shannen is wrapping up her days in the Hills of Beverly. And it is intervention time in the principal’s office. Shannen and company confront Adrianna, the girl too drugged up to perform in the school musical, but the girl’s mother ain’t havin’ it.

The big haired girl has a knit sweater wrapped around her shoulders. Apparently she thinks she is playing the 1980s stereotype of a gay tennis coach.

Annie’s mom secures a job photographing a fashion show. Annie’s brother has a girlfriend. Annie breaks up with the guy she thinks had sex with another woman, but since he didn’t have sex with another woman, he has no idea why she’s so upset. He probably assumes it is nature’s special time. Men can be such pigs.

Shannen second guesses her decisions. Dylan calls her. Jennie Garth’s breasts talk to the father of her baby. What are the odds they’ve booked Sideshow Luke Perry? I’ll bet they can talk about the character with such frequency that it’ll be like he rejoined the cast, but they won’t have to pay him a dime.

Adrianna is partnered up with Annie and Dixon on an after-school assignment writing about the fashion show. Dixon’s friend wants a crack at Annie. At the test shoot for the fashion show, Annie’s friend Silver is confronted by an agent and told she could be a model. Girls, how many times do you hear that one?

The big haired girl manages to sabotage dinner between her father and his mistress. I wonder if the big haired girl can spell “sabotage?” Nevertheless, she plots to reunite her feuding parents. Her mom plots to have sex with any man she can find.

At the fashion show, Annie is offered a job acting in a small film. She secures a pity audition for Adrianna.

Shannen and Jennie Garth’s breasts fight over why Dylan called Shannen but not the mother of his child. Jennie Garth’s breasts acted like a petty little teenager. Eventually, they hug and make up. Shannen deletes Dylan’s number from her cell phone. Shannen is a stand up girl.

The whole high school somehow gets tickets to the fashion show. Shannen is there… with the guy who is attracted to Jennie Garth’s breasts.

Adrianna reveals all to Annie. Annie gets angry. Adrianna gets angry because Annie gets angry. I get angry because Shannen isn’t getting enough face time.

Shannen’s skirt is short. She says she is going out of town “for a while.” She leaves the fashion show with the guy who used to be attracted to Jennie Garth’s breasts, but now seems interested in Shannen.

A fight ensues at the fashion show. Dixon defends Silver’s honor by punching the cradle robbing agent in the face.

The big haired girl breaks up with her generic boyfriend, the same generic boyfriend she has broken up with in every episode of the season.

Jennie Garth’s breasts leave in search of Dylan. Silver agrees to house sit. A teenage girl left alone in a house… what could possibly happen? If I am very lucky, Shannen Doherty’s run of episodes is over, and I will never find out.