90210 Episode Guide

Previously on Shannen Doherty:

I applauded Shannen’s wise decision to limit her exposure on “90210″ to a few early episodes. Or I would have, if the broad would ever take my calls. But, no, she signed up for more, so I have to watch televised excrement instead of “House.”

Tonight on Shannen Doherty:

A guy who makes a Marine uniform look like a pair of pajamas (sorry, I just attended the USMC graduation at MCRD, and if one of the new Marines looked that shabby, he’d get his ass kicked) shows up claiming to be the long, lost son of Rob Estes, a.k.a. Mr. Wilson. A bunch of women a few years younger than me who are pretending to be high schoolers act upset.

Shannen Doherty’s name appears in the credits. One cannot help but wonder if she’ll appear on screen for more than five seconds.

I guess the wannabe teenage girls lusted after the same generic teenage boy, and Mr. Wilson’s daughter, Annie, won. Jennie Garth’s breasts serve as the school’s counselor, and try to smooth the ruffled feathers. Jennie Garth’s breasts are not too bright. Ah, the actresses posing as teenagers are supposed to be sophomores. I guess that makes me a high school senior.

The adopted son of Mr. Wilson is jealous of the long lost son of Mr. Wilson. And Annie acts like a bitch, which makes her generic teenage boyfriend angry. But Annie is cute, so I’ll wager heavily that generic teenage boyfriend forgives her. Annie’s rival tries to get in with the out crowd by begging a guy for reservations at a trendy restaurant. Can you stand the tension?

Shannen was in a play, and Jennie Garth’s breasts watched. Shannen looked good, of course. The posters in the lobby were for MacBeth… I honestly think Lady MacBeth is perfect casting for Shannen, and I would pay to see it. Meanwhile, Mrs. Bluth dispensed supposedly humorous wisdom to Mrs. Wilson.

Once again, lacrosse is a big deal in Southern California? Even though Dixon (the adopted son) has a girlfriend, he flirts with… well… no easy way to say this… the only other African-American in the cast, in this case a cheerleader. It reminded me of whenever a black actress guest starred on “The Love Boat.” In that equally unprogressive series, she never hooked up with Gopher or Doc. “The Love Boat” and “90210″ are both Spelling shows, if memory serves. End of social commentary.

“Let’s just say you’re going to need two hairdos for that outfit.” A reference to Annie’s ultra-short skirt… to give credit where credit is due, that was a funny line.

It is the day of the big lacrosse game, and may I just say the school mascot is the most well developed character in the entire series? Meanwhile, Shannen is wearing a low-cut blue top. Shannen wonders why Jennie Garth’s breasts bother being friends. The stilted dialogue almost gives me hope that this will be Shannen’s last appearance on the show.

The camel toe returns! ‘Nuf said. And it turns out the mascot is Annie. Jennie Garth’s breasts get an emergency phone call and leave the big game. Dixon can’t get his head in the game, and is sent to the locker room by his coach/dad/principal. Oh, and one of the dark haired girls pukes for no reason, which in the handbook of TV cliches means she is pregnant.

Dixon confesses his angst to his dad. They shared a very Brady moment. After Dixon returned to the field and won the game, his girlfriend grew jealous when he got a hug from a certain cheerleader. Dixon bonds with his long lost brother.

Shannen, it turns out, fell off the stage because she dared utter the name of The Scottish Play, and Jennie Garth’s breasts are her emergency contact. Just as they seemed to be on the verge of a moment the Prop 8 supporters would have despised, Shannen revealed she slept with the teacher from earlier episodes. Rejected, Jennie Garth’s breasts walk away from Shannen.

The long lost son/brother made a sinister sounding phone call. It would seem he may be up to no good.

Tune in next week when you’ll hear Shannen say:

“Sucker… I hardly know her!”