RP: 2/16: Sweet!

The Remote Patrol for Monday, February 16th, A.D., or whatever it is for Joaquin Phoenix
by Thomas Allen Heald
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings

TOM’S TOTALLY TWISTED TV TRIVIA THINGY
How did Delta Burke’s character, Dianne Barrow wind up as owner of the California Bulls on the HBO sitcom “1st and Ten”?
A) She bought the franchise as a nouveau riche white trash lottery winner.
B) She divorced the team owner.

C) She inherited it as the owner’s daughter.D) She won a contest at a local supermarket.
E) She won them in a poker game.

The right answer touches down on Monday.

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8 p.m.
Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of the Speaker of the House, follows up her Ted Haggard documentary with
“RIGHT AMERICA: FEELING WRONGED — SOME VOICES FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL” (HBO). Once again on the campaign bus with the Republicans (as with her “Journeys with George”), Ms. Pelosi lets conservatives and neoconservatives explain why they are afraid of, resentful about, or uninformed about Barack Hussein Obama. (Expect that middle name to be tossed around quite a bit.) From his takin’ away yer guns from your cold dead hands, demanding that you abort your eight children, burning your bible and forcing you to marry a homosexual, it’s everything that the mainstream/drive by media understands less about you than Will Smith’s parents did about him. And why you should demand the government pull all funding from HBO.

ARTSY AND/OR FARTSY
* People I’ve never heard of represent the U.S. at the “ISU GRAND PRIX OF FIGURE SKATING FINAL” (MyNetworkTV). Go, people wearing sequins!
* Gustavo Dudamel makes his Berlin Philharmonic debut with “WALDBUHNE 2008: RHYTHMS OF THE NIGHT” (Ovation), silencing the critics who thought his Gustavo Dudamel makes his debut with the Berlin Philharmonic at this outdoor amphitheater.

PRETEND IT’S SWEEPS
Okay, so you buy the entire premise of “CHUCK” (NBC). Do you buy Jenny McCarthy and Andy Richter as a happily married couple on something that’s not a crappy Fox sitcom?

“LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD” (TLC) is back with more reasons to live, including military surgery in Iraq. What, this isn’t “My Life on the D-List with Kathy Griffin”?

9 p.m.
Claire vs. her dad; Sylar and sidekick search for his dad, and the Petrelli plan proceeds to plummet on “HEROES: CAN WE GET SOME OF THAT STIMULUS MONEY” (NBC)?

In something outta a Nicolas Cage movie, the bad guys want a prisoner released, and the best attention getting ransom they can think of involves … “STEALING LINCOLN’S BODY” (History).

PRETEND IT’S SWEEPS
Amy Sedaris is a VIP with ESP on “THE CLOSER” (TNT).

9:30 p.m.
It’s the “WORST WEEK” (CBS) to give birth as the season and/or series concludes tonight so that “Rules of Engagement” can crawl back out from under its rock.

10 p.m.
But what Patricia Arquette really wants is to direct. So, “MEDIUM” (NBC) lets her.

TELE-GEBRA
“The Patriot” + “Amistad” x “Roots” = “SIMON SCHAMA’S ROUGH CROSSINGS” (PBS).

“MAN VS. WILD: ROMANIA” (Discovery) sends Bear Grylls up against a brown bear in Transylvania (6-5000).
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TALK SHOW DEATHMATCH
* Tavis chats with President Jimmy Carter
about Danielle Steele, Deen Koontz, and Stephen King’s new books.

* David is making music with his friends Ellen Pompeo, the winner of the Daytona 500, and Willie Nelson with Asleep at the Wheel.
* Jay connects with Kevin Bacon, Josh Tickell, and Lily Allen.
* Craig is angelic with David Boreanaz, Philip Johnson, and Zac Brown Band
* Conan has a full house with Bob Saget and thenewno2
TONIGHT’S WINNER: Dave.

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QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
How did Delta Burke’s character, Dianne Barrow wind up as owner of the California Bulls on the HBO sitcom “1st and Ten”? She divorced the team owner, demanded it in a divorce settlement after catching her hubby in flagrante delicto with a member of the football team. Yes, the tight end. (Yes, they needed their laugh track.) The “1st and Ten DVD collection : all 80 episodes of the smash hit comedy as seen on HBO” can be yours for $5 at Wal-Mart; thus making “The Jeff Foxworthy Show” (NBC) box set no longer the worst use of a fin there.
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But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list or at tvornottv.net. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.