Rejected Pilot Ideas

Just before the upfronts, we at “TV Or Not TV” were given a look at a few pilots that did not make the cut. A few summaries:

“You Deserve It”
A reality series featuring Todd Bridges, Pauly Shore, Bruce Vilanch, and Melissa Rivers working at a meat packing plant. The first contestant to lose an extremity wins $50,000.

“Get Down To It”
Candace Cameron Bure and Jodie Sweetin, a.k.a. the other “Full House” girls, reunite as female gynecologists… with attitude! Ed Begley Jr. is their non-nonsense boss. Like “Scrubs,” but with more vaginas!

“Dumb Dora Was So Dumb…”
A pop-culture trivia show featuring contestants all named Dora. Hosted by Kathleen Herles, the voice of “Dora the Explorer.” Top prize is a week in Mexico City (second place winner receives two weeks in Mexico City).

“Who Wants To Be A Network Executive?”
Mike Darnell tried to shepherd this through to production. Would-be executives were to be faced with a series of ethical challenges. Anyone who actually knew what an ethic was would have been instantly disqualified. Ryan Seacrest hosted the pilot.

“Bitches”
CBS attempted a show to compete directly with “The View,” but it was a little on the nose. The show was to feature co-hosts Sharon Stone, Patricia Heaton, Sandra Bernhard, and Cher. Rumor has it that the recent riot in New York City that was blamed on a casting call for “America’s Next Top Model” was actually the test audience for “Bitches,” after they’d been worked up into a hair pulling frenzy by the co-hosts.

“#$@%!”
Lewis Black, Bill Maher, Chris Rock, Penn Jillette, Bob Saget, and Triumph The Insult Comic Dog starred in a show that couldn’t be seen by anyone. Anywhere. Ever.

“The Daily News”
What was to be a two-hour block of midday television journalism co-anchored by Daljit Dhaliwal and Soledad O’Brien, featuring reporting by a team of national and global correspondents, was shelved after network executives realized good, solid reporting would never fly.

“Al Sharpton Says Something Stupid and Offensive”
Al Sharpton. A microphone. One Hour. Inevitable.

“Rick Warren Says Something Stupid and Offensive”
Rick Warren. A microphone. One Hour. Inevitable.

“The Real Mini-Winni”
From Mary-Ellis Bunim came this concept of placing seven strangers in an economy sized Winnebago and locking them inside for six months.

“30”
Kiefer Sutherland stars as a no-talent, no-good alcoholic who is forced into court-ordered rehab for 30 days. Much like the series “24,” this show plays out in real-time. And it ain’t a piece of fiction. Lindsey Lohan was also considered for the lead role.

“Paparazzi Squared”
Co-produced by Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears, a team of paparazzi is hired to stalk the paparazzi who normally stalk Alec Baldwin and Britney Spears.

“I Am Not A Drunk”
TV’s George Wendt stars in a sitcom about a drunk.

“Lawyers”
David E. Kelley wrote and produced the pilot of a series about lawyers, but the series wasn’t really about the law. It was about the characters, but the series really wasn’t about the characters. It was about the zany adventures the characters got into, but it really wasn’t about the zany adventures. It was about the clever wordplay between the characters having zany adventures, but it really wasn’t about the clever wordplay. Vonda Shephard sings some lame-assed songs.

“Hoedown”
A cross between “Dancing with the Stars” and a fiddle orgy, “Hoedown” was to be a boot-scootin’ dance competition. Hosted by one of Dolly Parton’s breasts, the show would feature D-List celebs like Tyne Daly and Marilyn Manson learning to do the Texas two-step.