Looking at the tweets of celebrity bubbleheads — so you don’t have to.
(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)
Preface: This will seem excessively cruel to many, and I don’t particularly care. To paraphrase a line from Aaron Sorkin, there is difference between being a fan of someone and having a fetish. There is also a difference between having fans and enabling a fetish. The culture of celebrites tweeting while pee-ons follow along is only one symptom of a sickness overtaking a large percentage of the population. And it is on this point where I choose to draw a line in the sand. I’ll be posting tweets on a weekly basis by some of Hollywood’s most vapid women. And, perusing their Twitter accounts, I won’t have to scroll down too deeply to find the absurd — their collective idiocy bubbles right to the surface in virtually every instance. I’ll only be using verified accounts, and I’ll gladly retract any tweets posted, should it turn out an account has been hacked. I’ll also keep a running tally of the number of followers, hoping the number goes down, but not expecting it to. Sometimes I’ll let the tweets stand on their own, and other times I may comment on the outlandish stupidity. I’ve chosen popular females from the world of acting, singing, and other related crimes against humanity. I could have just as easily chosen men as the targets of my disaffection (Larry King and Ryan Seacrest leap to mind), but I’m limiting this to the fairer sex because they tend not to be fair towards me. And I do this because these drama queens are being worshipped by many, revered by some, and the rest seem content to let it all happen.
Note: The absurdity/stupidity level seems to increase with the number of followers, and I cannot believe that is a coincidence.
Jenna Jameson (http://twitter.com/jennajameson) 91,973 followers
“cuddled in bed wearing a shirt that says heart breaker… and nothing else 
”
Eva Longoria (http://twitter.com/EvaLongoria) 133,947 followers
“Good afternoon everyone! I am in NY to film my episode of the Marraige Ref with Jerry Seinfeld and Tina Fey today! Can’t wait!”
Oh, Eva, why, baby? Why?
Kathy Griffin (http://twitter.com/kathygriffin) 254,466 followers
“WARNING!!! Gush moment. Taped a D List scene w Kristin Chenoweth. Wow! She knocked my sox off AND she’s a Christian who thinks I’M funny!”
Ivanka Trump (http://twitter.com/IvankaTrump) 709,371 followers
“Oops…almost set fire to the kitchen. Everything is under control now! Phew”
Yoko Ono (http://twitter.com/yokoono) 782,320 followers
“When you burn the chair, you suddenly realize that the chair in your mind did not burn or disappear”
Hard to tell if Yoko is being deep or if she is deeply baked.
Lauren Conrad (http://twitter.com/LaurenConrad) 902,794 followers
“Here’s a first… A pregnant woman in line at my book signing started having contractions… And stayed in line!!”
She wrote a book? And someone published it? The search for civilization continues.
Nicole Richie (http://twitter.com/nicolerichie) 926,749 followers
“I’m bringing back the curtsey”
Best of luck with that, sweety.
Khloe Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KhloeKardashian) 991,758 followers
“A lot of peps say bangs? Hummmmm”
Demetria Lovato (http://twitter.com/ddlovato) 1,427,767 followers
“Had a beautiful morning in beverly hills… what next?!”
Paris Hilton (http://twitter.com/ParisHilton) 1,537,974 followers
“What a fun night! My mom and Doug were so cute dancing together! I love how my parents love my love! We all had a blast! Great night! ”
Can a video of Mrs. Hilton and Paris’ boyfriend be in the internet’s future? Guessing yes.
Paula Abdul (http://twitter.com/PaulaAbdul) 1,625,079 followers
“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
xoxo”
Paula would appear to be paraphrasing the catch phrase from “Fame.”
Katy Perry (http://twitter.com/katyperry) 1,870,439 followers
“On second thought I think I just witnessed a hummingbird rape… She wasn’t havin none of that.”
Thank the dear Lord she took time out of her day to type that gem for all the world to see.
Ashlee Simpson (http://twitter.com/ashsimpsonwentz) 2,115,036 followers
“Girl time makes me so happy”
Lady Gaga (http://twitter.com/ladygaga) 2,835,164 followers
“Yeaaah!!!! Motherf*ckers!!!!”
Taylor Swift (http://twitter.com/taylorswift13) 2,672,723 followers
“I just used a Sharpie as eye liner in the airplane bathroom.”
Kim Kardashian (http://twitter.com/KimKardashian) 3,043,356 followers
“Thanks guys! I had no idea a pickle was really a cucumber! U guys totally confirmed it!”
More than three million people read tweets by a dopey broad who didn’t know this!
Oprah Winfrey (http://twitter.com/Oprah) 3,186,151 followers
“If you have a child.know someone who has a child.or you were molested as a child.I pray you’ll watch Monday’s show & Tweet me your thoughts”
I’ve got to hand it to Oprah, it takes brass ones to publicly pimp molested kids for ratings.
on Feb 22nd, 2010 at 12:40 am
Best tweet I saw all this week:
ebertchicago: Tiger Woods: “I came. I saw. I conquered. I came.” 9:57am Friday, Feb. 19
Roger may not be able to talk, but he hasn’t lost one iota of that dry wit.