Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 3/14/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s nuttiest fruitcakes — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: The tw*ts have been hyperlinked, for your viewing nightmare. New to the list this week is Chelsea Handler (possibly the least entertaining woman in America), and Joan Rivers, though I guess I could say she is old to the list because, well, she is kind of old. What — don’t look at me like that, she was mean to me when I met her on the red carpet a decade ago.

Courtney Love 19,294 (up from 17,608)
“dont complain that the Hope Diamond isny a Rhinsetone juts because YOUR having a Midlofe Crisis Honey Face”

Third grade called… it wants its inability to coherently express itself back

Joan Rivers 75,319
“Miley Cyrus and her mother offend white trash.”

Um — people in glass houses, Joan. That’s all I’m saying.

Olivia Wilde 27,789 (up from 25,367)
“chuck norris, john hamm, sharon stone and I have become super close through this crazy b day connection. lifesize jenga at sharon’s tonight!”

Jenna Jameson 96,623 (up from 95,088)
“My life is about to change… Feels bad now, but I have babies to think of…..:(”

I wonder if her kids were able to get enough milk through the silicone?

Sarah Palin 104,172 (up from 100,198)

Sarah couldn’t find any bandwagons to hop on or any witches to burn this week

Eva Longoria 179,077 (up from 165,544)
“Good morning everyone! I am going to need your help… { “errorCode”: 503, “errorMessage”: “Service unavailable.”, “statusCode”: “ERROR” }”

It means you should get off of Twitter and go outside for a while

Kathy Griffin 261,565 (up from 259,244)
“Holy crap, Haven’t twatted in days. Taping D List in PS, Ca. Fancy alert! I’m gonna b honored by the HRC Sat night. R u familiar w/them?”

No doubt, the honor has something to with Griffin being so unappealing that she turns men gay.

Ivanka Trump 719,165 (up from 716,608)
“Heading to a dinner to celebrate the winners of today’s Formulae One. It’s my last night in Bahrain…off to Qatar in the am.”

That’s why Ivanka is so popular. Because we can all relate to her.

Yoko Ono 803,875 (up from 797,630)
“The room of your own making: Be grand.”

Lauren Conrad 926,270 (up from 919,443)
“I’m up!! Just after 3am and I’m starting hair and make up for a satellite media tour. Feels like bed time… Not wake up time :-/”

Lauren’s hair and makeup had better be perfect because she has NOTHING of interest to say.

Nicole Richie 967,018 (up from 953,267)
“HACKED!”

I could tell. The posts actually made sense.

Khloe Kardashian 1,051,787 (up from 1,036,523)
“I’m at a Polo Match! How cool!!!”

Not even a little bit

Demetria Lovato 1,518,019 (up from 1,492,377)
“Now off to a writting session with the beautiful and talented Kara Dioguardi! ”

I hear Demetria’s finally learning her vowels this week.

Selena Gomez 1,590,346 (up from 1,568,634)
“You’re all so wonderful, I love you. Thank you for making me want to be better.”

If you want to be better, stay off of Twitter

Paris Hilton 1,620,719 (up from 1,596.265)
“Kissing Marilyn http://bit.ly/d4uzui”

I feel so sorry for the dog

Paula Abdul 1,638,150 (up from 1,635,025)
“Speaking at an event today, very excited! xoxo”

Don’t forget to enunciate

Katy Perry 1,994,566 (up from 1,959,104)
“I always eat the props on shoots… dang.”

One hopes she was shooting a fertilizer commercial

Chelsea Handler 2,033,151
“Sorry. I don’t know where gay ends and Filipino begins.”

Sorry. I don’t know where prejudice ends and stupidity begins.

Lily Allen 2,054,347 (up from 2,043,257)
“Justin bieber should have kiddie bras on the merch stall…. Ha”

Ashlee Simpson 2,135,707 (up from 2,130,398)
“Sunday is my favorite day of the week! Hangin with the lil man and dancing to yo gabba gabba thanks andy sandburg for the sweet moves!”

Jessica Simpson 2,265,522 (up from 2,243,795)
“Doing Letterman tomorrow…fitting is starting now…hmmm what shall I wear????”

As little as possible, or Dave will have nothing to talk about with you.

Taylor Swift 2,815,175 (up from 2,775,695)
“Riveting.”

Lady Gaga (up from 3,022,592)
“I swear tonight didn’t feel like an arena. It felt like 15,000 sweaty KIDS in a club in 1985. Kiwi bitchen. Sydney, are u ready?”

Note: She was born in 1986

Kim Kardashian 3,170,366 (up from 3,136,202)
“Sooo much to do, not enough hours in the day!”

Perhaps if you asked your pimp for some time off?

Oprah Winfrey 3,273,677 (up from 3,246,763)

Another tweetless week for the big O. And a grateful nation rejoices.