Dancing with the Shannen

Allow me to introduce you to the star of this week’s installment: Shannen’s legs.

Forget, for a moment, all of Shannen’s other positive attributes (see last week’s write-up for a partial list). Monday night’s show was centered around the stems, gams, or (if you insist upon the mundane wording) legs of Shannen Doherty.

But before we dig into that, thanks to the producers for allowing Shannen to go first, thus allowing me to only have to watch the first segment of the show. I have little to no interest in watching Kate the eight-childed moron skank across the dance floor, and I honestly believe watching Buzz Aldrin’s attempts to strut his stuff would reduce me to tears.

Shannen, on the other hand, did the jive, dancing to the classic R&B tune “Shake Your Tailfeather,” which is perhaps best known as the song performed by Ray Charles in “The Blues Brothers.” Shannen’s tail was, indeed, shaking, as the dance and the costume seemed poignantly designed to showcase the lower half of Shannen.

In the rehearsal footage, a pouting Shannen was seen visibly (and audibly) upset at the complexity of this week’s dance. She was hoping for more simplicity, so she might breathe a little easier and feel more comfortable on the dance floor. However, her dance partner wasn’t having any of it. He wanted more moves and more shakes, whereas I was content with more legs.

Oddly enough, the prissy British judge wasn’t a fan of Shannen’s legwork (remember, as Craig Ferguson will remind us, he’s not gay, he’s European). And the prissy Italian judge seemed more interested in Shannen’s toes than her legs, a fetish that has never really done it for me. It was hard to tell what the prissy female judge was saying because she appeared to be encased in some sort of torn, novelty-sized, pig intestine, and I was too distracted to focus on what she said.

The scores were two points higher than last week’s, for a combined total of 38 out of 60. I have to disagree with the lowness of the scores. Heck, Shannen’s legs standing stationary on the dance floor were worth 8 points out of 10. Any movement is just gravy.

Will she get voted off? And will I be heartbroken if it happens? I don’t know, and I don’t know. I would guess that “Middle America” makes up the bulk of those who waste time and energy dialing and e-mailing votes for a TV show, and experience has shown that I don’t share the same tastes as “Middle America” (I think the divide is most clearly evidenced in my lack of a pickup truck, or maybe that I don’t find Larry the Cable Guy funny). They may reject Shannen, as they reject the G sound at the end of gerunds. Or they may surprise me.

Should this be Shannen’s last dance, I will admittedly miss having an unadulterated look at her legs, but I’m still not someone who gets all wrapped up in the drama and the criticism of the show. In point of fact, I find it somewhat ignoble that so many people do seem to get wrapped up in the backstage intrigue and antics. Just show me Shannen’s legs on a dance floor, and I am content.