Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s dumb and dumbers — so you don’t have to.
(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)
Note: Nobody new this week, but there is a new queen of the tw*ts. Lady Gaga climbed over two women (we hear she’s into that sort of thing, not a judgment, just a rumor) to dethrone Oprah. And I am proud to announce, for the first time since I’ve been keeping track of the tw*ts, one of them LOST followers. Yeah, Suze Orman, when even the blind, deaf, and dumb world of Twitter rejects you, it may be time to pack it in.
Courtney Love 23,000 (up from 22,053)
“can i repeat myself i cant bear it, i am not dating anyone. thank you, back to my burkah”
Really? No gentleman callers? I’m stunned.
Olivia Wilde 32,504 (up from 30,882)
“Went to a depressing vegetarian-hating restaurant with bad wine in WINE country. No excuses. Wish I was Gordon Ramsey and could fix them.”
Last week, she mistook herself for Larry David. This week, she wishes she was Gordon Ramsey. Olivia might be a grouchy old man in an attractive female body.
Joan Rivers 78,504 (up from 77,114)
“I spent Passover with gay friends. Two of the four questions were on Liza Minnelli.”
Um… I don’t get it.
Jenna Jameson 103,311 (up from 101,267)
“OK, this Mommy is TIRRRRED!Tomorrow, I have lunch, then off to get a facial and massage with the girls ….maybe a spray tan!!!!!”
Sarah Palin 121,739 (up from 116,557)
“Drill, baby, drill.”
Shut up, dumb ass, shut up.
Eva Longoria 234,153 (up from 212,327)
“Working with Miss Piggy today!”
Kelly Osbourne 260,073 (up from 256,341)
“i fucking hate that i cant get ” let you new life begin call 1-800-get-thin’ out of my head ahhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Kathy Griffin 269,279 (up from 266,159)
“I know, not exactly my crowd, but watching “Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory” marathon on MTV. He’s so fuckin funny. Straight boy cracks me up!”
As usual, I have no idea what Griffin is talking about.
Lindsay Lohan 458,563 (up from 435,253)
“I was just waiting for my friend at the back door…… Worse part is, my friends who run the club were a part of the set-up as well. Why?”
This nonsensical post was the last of a series/thread of tweets, again reinforcing the idea that a limit on characters isn’t even enough for a tw*t like Lohan to express herself
Ivanka Trump 731,119 (up from 727,398)
“My friends want to go to Dave & Busters… Never been but it could be fun (and definitely different!)”
I don’t find the place fun at all. D&B’s is either filled with jailbait, or (worse) filled with people who enjoy hanging out in a place filled with jailbait.
Yoko Ono 820,795 (up from 815,164)
“If there are any children who are crying in your hometown, wipe their tears away in your mind”
Any particular reason I can’t just hand the kids a Kleenex?
Lauren Conrad 946,205 (up from 938,617)
“Home sweet home 
Spent the last 2 days working on the Kohls line in NYC. I’m in love with the newest collections. So excited!”
I was going to convert her post into a parody of the song “Working On A Coal Mine,” but she wouldn’t get the reference
Nicole Richie 1,009,293 (up from 991,915)
“oh HEEEELLLLLLLLLL no!”
Richie’s kind of short — I would think she would want heels
Khloe Kardashian 1,109,192 (up from 1,081,823)
“Ballin!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I’m sure the video will be posted on YouTube shortly
Suze Orman 1,084,472 (DOWN from 1,085,606)
Orman only posted direct tweets to other users, which typically make even less sense than an average tweet
Tyra Banks 1,234,495 (up from 1,205,760)
“What color should I get on my toes? Toenails that is… Maybe we can bring painted toes into style. would u paint your toes for fashion?”
Demetria Lovato 1,608,664 (up from 1,575,405)
“Driving around, dancing like fools, trying to make as many people to smile as we can. Perfect Saturday afternoon.”
I haven’t really commented on anything Lovato has posted, not because I don’t have comments to make, but because I don’t really know who the heck she is
Paula Abdul 1,648,789 (up from 1,645,036)
“What fun things is everyone doing?? xoP”
Watch the subject-verb agreement, Paula
Selena Gomez 1,687,917 (up from 1,653,367)
“Listening to Sinatra while looking outside my hotel in Paris is possibly the most amazing feeling ever.. truly blessed. I want to dance.. ”
Is Gomez old enough for me to — um — how can I phrase this — would either of us be likely to go to Dave & Buster’s? I’m just sayin’, there aren’t a lot of Sinatra fans who look like she does.
Paris Hilton 1,700,527 (up from 1,669,864)
“In bed reading a book.”
Allow me to spoil the ending: Sam eats the green eggs and ham.
Chelsea Handler 2,067,909 (up from 2,050,797)
“I’m sorry detroit, I’m on way to bookstore. I’m sorry we are late.”
Chelsea on way to bookstore. Chelsea talk like cavewoman — unfunny cavewoman.
Lily Allen 2,079,209 (up from 2,070,145)
“i’m struggling today.”
Katy Perry 2,111,815 (up from 2,067,495)
“One of my fav holidays is tomorrow. If every day could be filled with pastels, bunnies, baby chicks & chocolate filled eggs I would b happy.”
Do you think she’d have mentioned Jesus dying for her sins if she were permitted 40 more characters to tweet?
Ashlee Simpson 2,149,613 (up from 2,143,753)
“This is my new favorite jam!!! Listen to Travie McCoy’s “Billionaire”"
No, and you can’t make me.
Jessica Simpson 2,326,127 (up from 2,304,755)
“Is there an accelerated learning program to become an asteroid miner? If so, I’m in.”
The first time in history the words “accelerated learning program” have ever been used in such close proximity to the name Jessica Simpson
Taylor Swift 2,934,006 (up from 2,891,554)
“Today I found a swivel chair in the loading dock and spun around for a long time.”
Just imagine, if Twitter didn’t exist, that pearl of wisdom would have been lost to history forever
Kim Kardashian 3,296,836 (up from 3,239,353)
“I had the weirdest dreams last night…I did not like them”
Oprah Winfrey 3,350,030 (up from 3,322,934)
Another tweetless week for the big O — no wonder she’s dropping in the rankings
Lady Gaga 3,434,354 (up from 3,225,736)
“Love, Mother Monster X”
And that’s why she’s number one, ladies and gentlemen
on Apr 4th, 2010 at 10:51 am
And Ivanka? The food is fattening, you can’t play most games in heels, and you’ll be hit on constantly…