Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s lowest common denominators — so you don’t have to.
(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)
Note: I am nearly inclined to celebrate the second week in a row where Suze Orman lost followers, except that so many equally annoying tw*ts gained followers. Some days it feels like swimming upstream with leg weights and a hangover.
Courtney Love 24,346 (up from 23,000)
“yeah ff*ck it , i will never text a non writer again, except to say hey and where are you and send hot pics, otherwise they dont get it”
For the record, I don’t get it, I don’t want it, and as long as I avoid Ms. Love I’m less likely to catch it.
Olivia Wilde 34,941 (up from 32,504)
“use sock puppets if you are too shy to be on youtube. in fact, that might be a great new web series.”
Joan Rivers 79,366 (up from 78,504)
“In Vegas, hitting the gay clubs later! I’ve always had a special relationship with the gays. It started with my first college boyfriend.”
Jenna Jameson 105,625 (up from 103,311)
“Iam in love with singing, I am so lucky to have an amazing man, and team behind me! This track is insane!”
Did you learn nothing from Samantha Fox?
Sarah Palin 126,951 (up from 121,739)
“You can watch my speech today at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference live”
Or I could paint myself blue and change my name to Shecky — I’d appear like less of a dolt than anyone at the SRLC.
Eva Longoria 258,725 (up from 234,153)
Ms. Longoria forwarded (or, if you must, retweeted) a post from Ryan Seacrest. That deserves a paddling.
Kelly Osbourne 264,192 (up from 260,073)
“I can’t stand it when girls twiddle there hair!!!!!!”
It is “their” you brain-dead weasel
Kathy Griffin 271,776 (up from 269,279)
“YES, my Chanel shirt on tonights “Marriage Ref” was homage to Jerry’s pirate shirt! Oh, & a big thank u to Northeastern U in Boston. FUN!!”
Lindsay Lohan 480,594 (up from 458,563)
“Happy birthday Gary Mantoosh!”
Ivanka Trump 734,443 (up from 731,119)
“Just ordered Bagel Bob’s…YUM! Planning to walk uptown to the office later on this am.”
Yoko Ono 828,010 (up from 820,795)
“Draw a line with your body. See how it effects you, See how it effects where you are drawing the line. See how it effects the whole world.”
How about I just pee in the snow?
Lauren Conrad 956,200 (up from 946,205)
“What is it about a baseball game that makes cheese covered carbs seem ok…? Yum 
”
Nicole Richie 1,023,770 (up from 1,009,293)
“OK, who put short n’ curlies in my salad?”
I long for the days when she was just the ballerina girl
Khloe Kardashian 1,128,246 (up from 1,109,192)
“Ok Laker time!”
Suze Orman 1,083,066 (DOWN from 1,084,472)
“Make sure you watch the Biggest Loser on Tuesday night-I make my prediction again as to who is going to win but listen closely to what I say”
Tyra Banks 1,263,657 (up from 1,234,495)
“wassup! i just changed my twitter picture. i look sad in the pic but i’m just posin’ – smizing sadly. happy inside tho! 4 realz!”
Demetria Lovato 1,645,871 (up from 1,608,664)
“Tonight I laughed so hard I threw up…… I guess there’s a first for everything!”
Paula Abdul 1,653,294 (up from 1,648,789)
Paula just posted direct tweets to people this week
Selena Gomez 1,724,971 (up from 1,687,917)
“Kiss & Tell debuted #2 on the charts in Spain!! I cannot thank you all enough for all the love and support you have shown me. Thank You!”
Lo siento, España.
Paris Hilton 1,738,806 (up from 1,700,527)
“Tried drying my blackberry with my blow dryer. Phone is still dead, brutal. I give up, hopefully it will dry out on it’s own overnight.”
Chelsea Handler 2,090,190 (up from 2,067,909)
“I love boston. I love it here.”
Stay there. Be unfunny on the east coast.
Lily Allen 2,089,169 (up from 2,079,209)
“The druhv is out there. ”
Katy Perry 2,161,459 (up from 2,111,815)
“WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO ZEBRA STRIPPED GUM? AKA fruit stripped gum.”
Stripped vs. striped — and the search for intelligent life continues
Ashlee Simpson 2,156,660 (up from 2,149,613)
“Happy birthday to my bff lauren z. I wish everyone had a friend like u. You’re the best friend a girl could ever have xx”
Jessica Simpson 2,354,634 (up from 2,326,127)
“POB airs tonight on VH1! We travel to Uganda and stay in a village where fat women r the most beautiful. This is 1 of my favorite episodes!”
Taylor Swift 2,984,398 (up from 2,934,006)
“Omg right now. The mayor of Fresno just gave me the official document proclaiming today “Taylor Swift Day” in Fresno! I feel like I belong!”
You do belong there. Never leave. But send your cute fiddler down to San Diego. She belongs here.
Kim Kardashian 3,351,089 (up from 3,296,836)
“I’ve been hearing are all of these rumors I’m in talks to do a dating show! LOL…NO truth to that!”
A rare instance when one too many words were used in a Twitter post
Oprah Winfrey 3,382,202 (up from 3,350,030)
If Oprah doesn’t Tweet soon, her name may get removed from the big board of tw*ts
Lady Gaga 3,549,084 (up from 3,434,354)
“I need to harness my wine etiquette this tablecloth looks like valley forge”
Huh, an off-color reference (I’ll leave you to think about that one)
on Apr 12th, 2010 at 9:56 am
Maybe O’s contract with OWN doesn’t permit her to?