Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 4/18/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s most ripped cords — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: I am still pleased to inform the world that Suze Orman continues to lose followers. Now, how can we make this happen to the rest of the tw*ts?

Courtney Love 25,638 (up from 24,346)
“how did it leak and where?”

Olivia Wilde 36,866 (up from 34,941)
“um. guys. t’was a joke. but seriously, no nudity.”

Joan Rivers 80,655 (up from 79,366)
“I’m so excited GLEE is back on TV! In high school I was such a dog that I was asked to join the Flea Club and not the Glee Club.”

If she was any less funny, her name would be Chelsea Handler

Jenna Jameson 106,768 (up from 105,625)
“I love my Twitter familia… Always got my back…”

I would guess many of them would like to have your front

Sarah Palin 132,257 (up from 126,951)
“Unbelievable, Outrageous“Whether we like it or not,we remain a dominant military superpower”-Obama YES,Mr.Pres,we LIKE knowing we r strong”

Speak for yourself, you bubbleheaded little tw*t. WE know our days as a superpower are numbered. China has the resources. India has the population. We have “American Idol.” And we have Sarah Palin. No wonder they hate us.

Eva Longoria 275,240 (up from 258,725)
“When will Friday arrive????”

Sometime after Thursday, I suspect.

Kelly Osbourne 267,968 (up from 264,192)
“On the way the way to the view and I’m soooooo nervous!!!!!”

What’s the matter? Afraid there won’t be enough cheesecake for all of you?

Kathy Griffin 274,561 (up from 271,776)
“Well, just got my public pap smear. Lights, camera…PAP SMEAR! It took all of about 2 minutes. Ladies, get smeared. Ur vag will love u 4 it”

I’m told they are still cleaning the pap off the camera

Lindsay Lohan 494,421 (up from 480,594)
“JAY-MUTHA TRUCKIN Z”

Ivanka Trump 737,967 (up from 734,443)
“…and the claws come out. Within moments of the boardroom starting!”

Wow. I honestly didn’t know Trump’s ego-maniacal TV show was still on the air. How sad for humanity.

Yoko Ono 835,953 (up from 828,010)
“heal”

Lauren Conrad 965,629 (up from 956,200)
“Just saw The Ultimate Wave with Kelly Slater in 3D. So cool! I want to go to Tahiti now ”

Go. Nobody is stopping you. Move there. Stay there. Never come back.

Nicole Richie 1,037,172 (up from 1,023,770)
“Raspberry Cordial !!”

I’m thinking of an old joke performed by The Rat Pack — can anyone guess what it was?

Khloe Kardashian 1,150,547 (up from 1,128,246)
“Today is a weird day. Hummmmm how are you guys doing?”

Is it me, or did Khloe just give all of her followers a hummer?

Suze Orman 1,081,775 (DOWN from 1,083,066)
“A Home Theater System for $13,000? USED?? Should I Approve or Deny? Tonight on The Suze Orman Show 9pEt CNBCo”

Down three weeks in a row! Way to go America!

Tyra Banks 1,297,260 (up from 1,263,657)
“I love airplane food. Especially peanuts. it’s really the best part of the flight for me.”

Demetria Lovato 1,676,723 (up from 1,645,871)
“Anybody wanna bring me pinkberry? ”

Would you settle for an Orange Bang? I should explain, for those who don’t know, that Orange Bang is a whipped beverage served at better fast food establishments. And it is also what I’ve always wanted my nickname to be.

Paula Abdul 1,656,763 (up from 1,653,294)
“What a great day!! Filmed a pilot this morning and then gave an award to the cast of Glee at the TV Land Awards!! xoP”

People keep asking me why I don’t like “Glee,” though there are many reasons, one of them is that Paula Abdul likes it and gives it awards

Selena Gomez 1,755,124 (up from 1,724,971)
“Thank you all so much!”

Paris Hilton 1,775,640 (up from 1,738,806)
“At my parents house getting ready for a girl’s night out! ”

Your parents live in a mansion, not a house, and people pay you five (and sometimes six) figures to be seen in various clubs and bars. That makes you a rich, spoiled prostitute. Just sayin’.

Chelsea Handler 2,113,136 (up from 2,090,190)
“Chunk, stop it. Pls go to venice canals and wait there. I will not communicate via twitter, because I’m not michael lohan”

If she was any less funny, her name would be Joan Rivers

Lily Allen 2,099,125 (up from 2,089,169)
“Need. more. glee.”

People keep asking me why I don’t like “Glee,” though there are many reasons, one of them is that Lily Allen thinks we need more of it

Katy Perry 2,208,510 (up from 2,161,459)
“Do it allllllll again!”

Once was more than enough

Ashlee Simpson 2,162,148 (up from 2,156,660)

The younger Simpson just did retweets and direct tweets this week. Be warned. She must be saving up her brilliance to unleash on a fragile public down the road.

Jessica Simpson 2,383,679 (up from 2,354,634)
“What’s the difference between showing a little leg and showing some cleavage??”

One takes place on the lower half of your body, while the other takes place on the upper half… unless you are horizontal, which I assume you are.

Taylor Swift 3,031,897 (up from 2,984,398)
“…like that.”

Kim Kardashian 3,409,945 (up from 3,351,089)
“I’m almost finished with this amazing photo shoot with a black kitty, they don’t call it a kitty cat here…can u guess what they call it?”

A “Kardashian”?

Oprah Winfrey 3,416,613 (up from 3,382,202)
“Great way to spend a Sunday – “Life” marathon all day on Discovery Channel”

Better way to spend a Sunday – do anything else

Lady Gaga 3,651,982 (up from 3,549,084)
“Were not on Rivington St. anymore Toto. Me, Justin, and Posh! in Japan, of course we found the only bar in Osaka”

With any luck, Gaga will run into my nephew, a Marine stationed in Okinawa. Now there’s a reality show I’d want to see.