Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 4/25/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s most vapid voids — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: A lot of shifting in the rankings this week. Two new additions to the list, Carrie Fisher and Jennie Garth, were both originally known for their beauty. Fisher went on to write and produce, while Garth went on to diet and exercise. It is even money who chose wisest, and reading their respective posts on Twitter, you’d be hard pressed to choose the smarter of the two. Also, one tw*t leaves the list — see the explanation below for details.

Courtney Love 27,106 (up from 25,638)
“travis last time anyone cared was maybe 00 lose the tude! i was ignoring your high ass thats all me and jd thought you were homeless.”

Love using Twitter to conduct a public fight — the modern equivalent to standing atop a tall building and shouting “I know you are, but what am I!”

Olivia Wilde 38,005 (up from 36,866)
“Landed in the good ole USA, so hooray!! Now sucking up some NY fumes for an hour before heading down south to shoot some BUTTER!”

Carrie Fisher 48,065
“I’ll be engaging in what I call celebrity lapdancing just a milder version of being an out & out whore; albeit well paid.”

Jennie Garth 70,249
“We love cheesey cauliflower”

Joan Rivers 81,629 (up from 80,655)
“On my way in a stretch limo to work at the Atlantic City Hilton, drinking champagne & watching a movie. Dirty job but someone has to do it!”

Not wild about the words “dirty job” being in such close proximity to the words “Joan Rivers”

Jenna Jameson 108,649 (up from 106,768)
“Laying naked in my 800 thread count sheets, with my puffy all white duvet, and about 16 down pillows… Feels like a slice of heaven!”

To give credit where credit is due — that is the way to build a Twitter following — provided she also posts pictures

Sarah Palin

I’m making an executive decision and removing this tw*t from the list. My reason for doing so is that the vast majority of her expressed thoughts and beliefs are not worth repeating — not even to make fun of. Like Rush Limbaugh, Palin is either to be ignored or slapped upside the head, and since I am not, by nature, a violent man, I choose to ignore the stupid tw*t.

Kelly Osbourne 271,223 (up from 267,968)
“luke and i are going to plant a garden today!!!!!”

Use the force, Luke. Failing that, use the Garden Weasel.

Kathy Griffin 276,747 (up from 274,561)
“Doin a double in Biloxi, MS tonight. Nothin like dick jokes 2 go w/a tornado warning! Ya gotta laugh. Plus I had 3 walk outs. Doin my job!”

Not wild about the word ” job” being in such close proximity to the words “Kathy Griffin”

Eva Longoria 289,147 (up from 275,240)
“I danced Ballet Folklorico today with Ballet Folklorico Mexico de Azteca on Olvera Street! Had an amazing time,…”

Lindsay Lohan 517,799 (up from 494,421)

Lindsay’s Twitter page was filled to the brim with retweets and direct tweets, all of which would not have made sense in context, let alone out of context

Ivanka Trump 741,237 (up from 737,967)
“I was planning on playing golf w/ my dad this AM at Trump National Colts Neck but due to the rain we’re club house bound for breakfast!”

Shocked the Trump family hasn’t built a machine to control the weather, since they are in all other aspects Bond villains

Yoko Ono 843,199 (up from 835,953)
“You could send a photo that says “smile”, or a picture, a story, or a piece of pie, but specify that it’s a smile you’re passing on.”

I like pie

Lauren Conrad 977,750 (up from 965,629)
“Just found only half of a produce sticker on my last bite of stuffed pepper… Bummer. Just ate sticker.”

Probably not the first time she swallowed something that wasn’t intended to be swallowed

Nicole Richie 1,049,084 (up from 1,037,172)
“Just to be clear, EVERYONE loves Dirty Dancing. right?”

If by “loves” you mean “wants to track down and beat senseless the creators of the film,” then sure

Suze Orman 1,080,584 (DOWN from 1,081,775)
“The sweepstakes is back up and running. So please go back and enter. Sorry about that the tech heads are not sure why it happened. Denied”

Down four weeks in a row! Way to go America!

Khloe Kardashian 1,168,457 (up from 1,150,547)
“Heading to Vegas bitches!!!!!!! Dance mania LOL”

Tyra Banks 1,328,597 (up from 1,297,260)
“I need a new book to read… what are ya’ll readin?”

I can loan you my copy of “Goin’ to the potty” by Mr. Rogers

Paula Abdul 1,659,790 (up from 1,656,763)
“Out to dinner at the Planet Hollywood in Vegas with founder and owner Robert Earl and Sylvester Stallone!”

Demetria Lovato 1,703,416 (up from 1,676,723)
“At work… So… Early… Must… Zzzzzzzzzzzz”

I imagine those who watch her and/or listen to her work also fall asleep in the middle of it.

Selena Gomez 1,779,287 (up from 1,755,124)

Nothing new from Ms. Gomez this week

Paris Hilton 1,806,381 (up from 1,775,640)
“Landed in Vegas, just got to my favorite petstore. I Love Las Vegas!”

Yet another reason to dislike Vegas.

Lily Allen 2,111.551 (up from 2,099,125)
“I’m in brazil. That’s all I’m saying.”

Well, you’ve given us all a lot to think about

Chelsea Handler 2,130,653 (up from 2,113,136)
“Sorry, dan brown. I totally forgot to grab you for the airport”

Give it up. You aren’t funny. You’ll never be funny.

Ashlee Simpson 2,166,845 (up from 2,162,148)

Second week in a row of nothingness from Ashlee. Could it be that she wised up and left Twitter forever? I doubt we could be that lucky.

Katy Perry 2,245,047 (up from 2,208,510)
“Starting vitamins when sick is like saying a prayer when the plane is going down.”

No… no it isn’t

Jessica Simpson 2,406,156 (up from 2,383,679)
“Price Of Beauty is about to be on!!! Japan!!! Fish eat the dead skin off our feet…I bet you wanna tune in now ”

Wow, would you have lost that bet.

Taylor Swift 3,072,846 (up from 3,031,897)
“Forgot to close the drapes last night, so the sun came up this morning at 6am like ‘HEYYY WAKE UP!!’ And I was all “No.” Drapes = closed.”

Any hope Taylor has of masking being underage is shattered when she uses the phrase “And I was all”

Oprah Winfrey 3,447,401 (up from 3,416,613)

Not only big the Big O not post anything new this week, but she also dropped down another spot in the overall rankings

Kim Kardashian 3,461,446 (up from 3,409,945)
“Someone just said “You are fine as hell” but why hell, why not heaven??”

For starters, in the Muslim faith, heaven is filled with virgins…

Lady Gaga 3,742,711 (up from 3,651,982)
“Rehearsal till we bleed. Sweat, passion, + knee pads. Feel like I’ve waited an eternity to release my favorite song from The Fame Monster.”

I assume the knee pads are key to Gaga’s success