Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 5/9/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s oddest ducks — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: I didn’t add any new tw*ts this go around. I had an odd thing happen towards the end of compiling this week’s list of tw*ts. Suddenly, everyone on Twitter is listed as having no followers. Not sure if Twitter was hacked, if it was a temporary technical glitch, or if humanity collectively wised up. In any event, the numbers are missing, so the rankings remain as-is until next time.

Mena Suvari 5,177 (up from 4,982)
“I’ve taken so much for granted in my life……no more.”

I take Velveeta for granted

Courtney Love 30,045 (up from 29,949)
“so cryptically between us ill tell you on the fb page since you care, im not an enabler & im not enabled, so thats all, its never my frame.”

You’re not enabled? Then who the f*ck is?

Olivia Wilde 41,962 (up from 39,830)
“Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog is giving me anxiety. Every time I make a sandwich I imagine her doing leg lifts and scolding me.”

I know people who would pay good money to see that

Shannon Elizabeth 40,270 (up from 39,863)
“How was SNL?”

Painful to watch. I pity Betty White, and hope Lorne Michaels paid her generously to lower her standards.

Carrie Fisher 52,194 (up from 48,821)
“which, for many lisping intergalactic devotees will always or never be remembered as May the 4th -”

Carrie, Ms. Fisher if you’re nasty, was unable to complete a thought within the narrow parameters of a Tweet post.

Padma Lakshmi 53,126 (up from 51,076)
“Heading to Met Ball and feeling more dressed up than a Christmas package!”

Guessing that means she’s wearing nothing but a bow and a smile

Jennie Garth 71,953 (up from 71,105)
“Oh, I might want Lee to win American Idol. Am I crazy?”

Anyone who wastes more than 30 seconds thinking about American Idol is crazy

Joan Rivers 82,410 (up from 82,410)
“What’d you think of How’d You Get $o Rich last night?!? Let me know!!”

I’m thinking it is a show that isn’t worth watching

Jenna Jameson 114,271 (up from 112,561)
“Thank you for your support. I have thought about quitting, and Its hard because I love talking to my fans. It’s the rude stuff that hurts.”

Jenna used to get paid extra to do the rude stuff that hurts

Kelly Osbourne 277,487 (up from 274,477)
“watching the real housewives of New Jersey!!!!”

Such a declaration doesn’t require one exclamation point, let alone four of them

Kathy Griffin 281,635 (up from 279,441)
“Just had 2 f ing painful root canals, but lots of nitrous, so I LOVE EVERYBODY!…even you Seacrest.”

Eva Longoria 324,039 (up from 307,111)
“Thank you to all the mothers who are fans and have given me great advice on my facebook or twitter, I read all of…”

Eva is another one who can’t finish a thought on Twitter. Yeah, this is a great means of communicating.

Amanda Bynes 319,754 (up from 313,383)

“i’m gonna change my Twitter screen name to chicky i’m just waitin for Twitter to process my request ”

Lindsay Lohan 568,657 (up from 547,956)
“shooting again, it’s been straight work since thursday!”

Straight work? But I thought Lindsay was Bi?

Ivanka Trump 748,046 (up from 744,586)
“”There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant.” Ralph Waldo Emerson”

Nobody more ignorant than someone with the last name Trump

Yoko Ono 857,540 (up from 850,019)
“The world is divided into Peace Industry and War Industry.”

Don’t forget the Pop-Tart Industry

Lauren Conrad 1,003,964 (up from 993,591)
“Want to help me make Milk Mustache history? Vote for my gotmilk? ad! You cld win prizes & a chance to help me reveal it!”

I haven’t seen the ad in question, but I think she’d get more votes if the mustache wasn’t on her face

Nicole Richie 1,070,972 (up from 1,059,799)
“My spanish name is high school was Mikaela. I think I’m only gonna go by that from now on.”

Suze Orman 1,077,996 (DOWN from 1,079,200)
“Today is the day- tune in to see Dr Oz, Dr Phil, Nate and myself all on stage for the first time-ORPAH WINFREY SHOW – wow- I am so excited”

Six weeks of decline! As for her specific post, I believe she just described a new circle of hell.

Khloe Kardashian 1,203,240 (up from 1,185,414)
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this game is amazing”

I assume she’s playing Candyland with the family again

Tyra Banks 1,391,054 (up from 1,359,291)
“Sometimes I spend WAY too much time in the drug store. I swear I’m obsessed with toiletries!”

Paula Abdul 1,665,772 (up from 1,662,654)
“The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.”

Obviously, this is Paula’s answer to the question, “Can you possibly be a bigger chunkhead?”

Demetria Lovato 1,776,388 (up from 1,740,043)
“Haters will hate, that’s a part of life. But we’re pretty strong girls and my family can handle anything. BRING IT! ”

Chunkheads will Tweet, that’s a part of life. But they’re sometimes pretty girls and pretty girls can get away with anything. BROUGHT IT!

Selena Gomez 1,832,497 (up from 1,804,298)
“Hello from Budapest!”

Are we exiling pop stars to Hungary now? If so, why isn’t Obama promoting this?

Paris Hilton 1,875,181 (up from 1,838,961)
“Had a very productive day of meetings. Feels so good to finally be home after such a long day.”

But home is where the heart is, and we all know the Hilton girls are heartless

Lily Allen 2,129,876 (up from 2,121,584)
“Jilly”

Chelsea Handler 2,163,734 (up from 2,148,293)
“Landing in san diego, bird rape. Tweet tweet”

You know, I should get ample warning when unfunny people visit the city where I live

Ashlee Simpson 2,174,829 (up from 2,171,116)
“Sunday is my favorite day of the week! Hangin with the lil man and dancing to yo gabba gabba thanks andy sandburg for the sweet moves!”

Is it me, or has she posted this before?

Katy Perry 2,330,643 (up from 2,284,175)
“The DAYLIGHTS @10pm @ The Hotel Cafe TONIGHT. Gorgeousness. GO!”

Jessica Simpson ??? (up from 2,431,909)
“To everyone who has watched this show, I pray you will carry it with you forever. I know I will. God Bless.”

The show sound like a social disease

Mariah Carey ??? (up from 2,668,222)
“Bleakosity! The electricity just went out as he was blowing out my hair &it was lookin pip&now its gonna be 2 different textures!”

Would you care to diagram this sentence?

Demi Moore ??? (up from 2,680,343)
“To all the children thank you, because without you we mothers would not have the honor to be celebrated today!”

And without the children, we would have no MILFs

Taylor Swift ??? (up from 3,114,929)
“I’ve been eating Cheerios like it’s my job lately.”

Oprah Winfrey ??? (up from 3,476,473)

Again, nothing new from O.

Kim Kardashian ??? (up from 3,524,120)
“Getting ready with all the girls!”

I’m picturing the world’s least evocative pillow fight

Lady Gaga ??? (up from 3,836,752)
“life is a red carpet”

I agree, it is pedantic and full of phonies