Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s most inflated egos — so you don’t have to.
(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)
Note: Joan Rivers’ spawn is added to the list this week. Suze Orman’s continuous decline in numbers also moves her down the rankings. Demi Moore slips behind Mariah Carey, and that can’t be a hygienic place for anyone to be. And one tw*t has surpassed the four-million mark, proving that there is no civilization anymore.
Mena Suvari 5,323 (up from 5,177)
“K, nighty night, L♥vers! Keep it real wherever you bXxx”
WTF is “bXxx”?
Melissa Rivers 10,962
“Only outgoing tweets working! Yikes!”
It is possible you have no incoming messages and nobody has any interest in replying to what you say, do, or think
Courtney Love 31,605 (up from 30,045)
“i mean it kookoo bananas madmen.but hey im allegedly batshit so why not pick on me? plus im good in bed i hear. im just a bore really.”
Why is that every time I read the “thoughts” of Ms. Love, I feel like I need a shower?
Olivia Wilde 44,033 (up from 41,962)
“Sorry. Premature Twittaculation. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings “Thus Land Is Your Land” wowwwwww”
Shannon Elizabeth 40,582 (up from 40,270)
“Playing the $40 table @ Commerce w/my girl & literally can’t make a pair-haha-time to go!”
Shannon is not the class of person I think of when I think of people who go to Commerce Casino. Frankly, I’m the class of person I think of.
Carrie Fisher 53,016 (up from 52,194)
“You’ll recognize me from my resemblance to Elton John & Tweedledum… the secret password… my Twitter Bio.”
Carrie’s “bio” states, “If you don’t like me please suck my big bovine tiny dancer c*ck.”A long way to go for a not-too-funny joke.
Padma Lakshmi 54,868 (up from 53,126)
“Having a great time bowling at lucky strike. Thx to the chef for veggie plate! ”
I don’t care if the cost is $15,000 per lane per hour, the guy preparing food at a bowling alley is NOT a chef.
Jennie Garth 72,463 (up from 71,953)
“So I was thinking… I am going to try to occasionally tweet some of my fave things. Keep an eye out and spread the love:)”
He he — Jennie Garth has been thinking — that’s adorable.
Joan Rivers 86,334 (up from 82,410)
“I’ll never have money like the folks on How’d You Get $o Rich. I make bad investments, like the Heather McCartney Leg-warmers I bought into.”
Always with the timely jokes
Jenna Jameson 115,403 (up from 114,271)
“Thanks adultmart for the amazing signing… what amazing fans in Ohio! My hand is cramped, but its well worth it! Xoxxoxoxx”
Too easy — skipping it and moving on
Kelly Osbourne 279,509 (up from 277,487)
“So over American airlines”
I’m sure they are equally over you
Kathy Griffin 283,062 (up from 281,635)
“Vegas! It’s happened! An evening with me, Kathy Griffin @ the Colosseum @ Caesars Sat, July 10th. What am I, Celine Dion?Cher?Get tix now”
You, Celine, and Cher all have faces that somewhat resemble that of a horse, so I’d count you in that grouping
Eva Longoria 335,891 (up from 324,039)
“Shooting makeup commercial for Loreal in Paris”
Eva is way too attractive to be on Twitter.
Amanda Bynes 322,117 (up from 319,754)
“I like to cut ♥ I bet u kno what I’m saying ”
As usual, I don’t have a freakin’ clue what you’re saying
Lindsay Lohan 582,188 (up from 568,657)
Nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t
Ivanka Trump 750,422 (up from 748,046)
“Just grilled up some hot dogs and hamburgers. Finished off lunch with watermelon. It’s been a perfect Sunday afternoon in East Hampton.”
Yoko Ono 863,481 (up from 857,540)
“Send the moonlight to a friend.”
It is never too late for rehab, Yoko.
Lauren Conrad 1,010,395 (up from 1,003,964)
This tw*t’s posts were all self-promotional except one that promoted a book written by another reality bimbo
Suze Orman 1,076,881 (DOWN from 1,077,996)
“Coming up on Saturday you find out if you won that 10000. Can’t wait to tell you who it is. Mark your calendar to watch the Suze Orman show”
Seven weeks of decline! As for her specific post, anyone who marks his or her calendar to be reminded to watch Suze Orman should join Yoko Ono’s therapy group.
Nicole Richie 1,078,904 (up from 1,070,972)
“I miss Ma$e”
Khloe Kardashian 1,218,611 (up from 1,203,240)
“I hate when people leave me voice mails! I see that you called… I’ll call you back. And if I don’t then there’s a reason for it”
I don’t think there is enough bandwidth on the internet to hold Khloe’s ego
Tyra Banks 1,415,478 (up from 1,391,054)
“hmmm what could be missing?? ”
The intelligence I know you possess but for some reason you choose not to publicly share?
Paula Abdul 1,667,387 (up from 1,665,772)
“Hey, you guys want a fun Friday fact? lol!”
Demetria Lovato 1,803,793 (up from 1,776,388)
Selena Gomez 1,856,153 (up from 1,832,497)
“What are the odds……Today I graduated from high school and got my diploma!!!!! I also filmed my graduation…”
Even more fun than Selena’s post was this Facebook comment made to it, reproduced in its entirety (ostensibly not from a high school graduate): “Selena i love u r the bestest could u plz got to miami florida it is a hot place to go to the beach like umm miami beach i just wanted to tell u that its a good idea for u to go to miami and relax i hope u go to miami florida on vacation its always being my dream to see u cause i live in miami well write me back and tell where r u going in the … See Morevacation u i wich i could get ur aughtergraph idk how to spell aughtergraph lol well back to wat i was talking about plz come to miami for vacation i wish i could get ur autergraph and picture i want a picture with me and u i am ur biggest fan bye plz come on the summer”
Paris Hilton 1,901,608 (up from 1,875,181)
“Had an amazing time at the race today. Went in the driver’s pit and met all the drivers and crew. We had a blast! Monaco Rules!”
I would have assumed the driver would go in Paris’ pit, but to each their own.
Lily Allen 2,136,643 (up from 2,129,876)
“Oh my god. On my way to the ground. I’m too nervous . Arrrrrggghh !”
The correct spelling is either “Argh” or, if you are really stressed, “Aaarrrggghhh.” Please make a note of it.
Chelsea Handler 2,174,492 (up from 2,163,734)
Nothing from this tw*t this week except links to pictures that, like everything else she says or does, aren’t interesting or funny
Ashlee Simpson 2,178,526 (up from 2,174,829)
“@jessicasimpson I just saw a preview for your show! Woman it looks so good This tuesday check out THE PRICE OF BEAUTY!”
I normally don’t post direct messages, but Ashlee is actually telling her sister Jessica to check out her own show — that amused me.
Katy Perry 2,375,374 (up from 2,330,643)
“Tomorrow I’m gonna eat one of those double chicken bun sandwiches and float in the pool till I fall asleep.”
Jessica Simpson 2,474,844 (up from 2,431,909)
“My bro-in-law just gave me a book to read. Gonna have sun worship time tomorrow with this book as facial sunscreen”
He he — Jessica Simpson has been reading — how adorable.
Demi Moore 2,703,270 (up from 2,680,343)
“thr R 3 major things that R hard 4 ppl 2 share $$, time & emotions. 2day master them all; share yr $$ share yr time & share yr heart -Sharbi”
Also tough to share proper spelling, apparently
Mariah Carey 2,723,596 (up from 2,668,222)
“Ugh.. traveling since 1901 but I’m in Egypt now overlooking the Nile and I’m very happy to be here!”
Warning: Pun Follows = No need to have posted this Mariah; you’ve been in denial for ages now
Taylor Swift 3,198,800 (up from 3,114,929)
Nothing new from this tw*t this week
Oprah Winfrey 3,537,589 (up from 3,476,473)
This tw*t hasn’t posted anything since April 16th, but she’s still gained tens of thousands of new followers since last week
Kim Kardashian 3,630,799 (up from 3,524,120)
“I want everything in the Sky Mall”
With a dry, cool wit like that, it is easy to understand how she’s gained 100,000 new followers in a single week
Lady Gaga 4,025,391 (up from 3,836,752)
“Kleine Monsters. Berlin is about to explode as the Monsterball begins. Open the cathedral + bang on your drums, tonight is for your freedom.”
In related news, Berlin announced today that they are erecting another wall