TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Which is not a family on “Days of our Lives”?
A) The Blacks
B) The Bradys
C) The Cranes
D) The Dimeras
E) The Hortons

Thursday brings the right answer, and internal damages.
—

8 p.m.
Kevin Kline is “CYRANO DE BERGERAC” (PBS) opposite Jennifer Garner as Roxane.

TELE-GEBRA
“Estate of Panic” + Gossip Girl” = “13: FEAR IS REAL” (CW). 0:Title is lame.

9 p.m.
MISSING HOT BLONDE PATROL
“20/20: VANISHED” (ABC): “Missing in Milwaukee.”

“THE 35TH ANNUAL PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS” (CBS) returns with Queen Latifah and actors who aren’t crossing strike lines this year.

“SPECTACLE: ELVIS COSTELLO WITH …” (Sundance) rounds up the usual suspects: Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copland.

10 p.m.
Cancer gossip gets answered in “THE BARBARA WALTERS SPECIAL: PATRICK SWAYZE: THE TRUTH” (ABC).

Ellen prepares to take down Patty on the season debut of “DAMAGES” (FX) with William Hurt, Regis and Kelly.

“THE REAL WORLD” (MTV) turns 21. Great, now it can drink heavily and wind up in the hot tub with someone gay.

“LAW & ORDER” (NBC) goes a hatin’ da Haitians.

Angela Bassett stars in “TYLER PERRY’S MEET THE BROWNS” (TBS), featuring Mr. Perry as Thelma Harper.

NIGHT LIGHTS
* Rachel Maddow’s glasses are half full on “The Daily Show.”
* Benicio Del Toro shoots the breeze with Stephen.
* Ron Howard and Frank Langella defrost Tavis.
* Ricky Gervais, Rose Byrne, and Okkervil River are extra special to Dave.
* Anne Hathaway, Brady Barr, and Jeff Dunham’s voices carry with Jay.
* Ron Howard, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and the Gabe Dixon Band join Jimmy.
* William Shatner beams over to Craig.
* The stars of the new action movie T.B.A. guest with Conan.

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
Who costarred with their real-life wife in a sitcom? Ted Danson and Mary Steenbergen costarred in the newspaper comedy “Ink,” which was better than “Becker.”

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Who costarred with their real-life wife in a sitcom?
A) Scott Bakula
B) Ted Danson
C) Ed O’Neill
D) John Ritter
E) Parker Stevenson

Wednesday brings the right answer, and internal damages.
—

8 p.m.
Remember all the jokes that there so many Dick Wolf shows that there would ultimately be “Law and Order: Customs Inspectors”? Congratulations: someone took you seriously. I give you “HOMELAND SECURITY USA” (ABC) aka propaganda.

“THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES” (NBC) features the show’s youngest, oldest and heaviest contestants. Eat ‘em and weep.

9 p.m.
An 82-year-old rebuilds his home and his life after Hurricane Katrina on “FRONTLINE: THE OLD MAN AND THE STORM” (PBS)

“SCRUBS” (ABC) is back with Courteney Cox, the show’s tenth new timeslot, the show’s second network, and … little interns to replace the cast once they all escape to movies ala “Logan’s Run” and or “ER.”

10 p.m.
The documentary “HELVETICA” (PBS) is, as every review has punned, a font of knowledge.

Q.: “PRIMETIME: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?” (ABC) A.: Cut the news division’s funding if all they’re allowed to do with hidden cameras is have John Quiñones play Allen Funt.

“SHATNER’S RAW NERVE” (Bio) visits with the Vulcan. Please, Mr. Nimoy, no musical duet.

10 P.M.
A prodigal teen returns home but her story makes less sense than an Adam Sandler movie’s success on “LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT” (NBC).

“WRECKREATION NATION WITH DAVE MORDAL” (Discovery) cures boredom with misuse of rope, lawnmowers, cardboard, and alligators.

The gruesome twosome returns with a new season of “NIP/TUCK” (FX). New this year: a wheelchair, breast-cancer and community college. And we all know what that means.

11 p.m.
The original Geico caveman is back for season three of “10 ITEMS OR LESS” (TBS) and turkey bowling.

NIGHT LIGHTS
* Michael Wolff howls on “The Daily Show.”
* It’s Matt Miller time with Stephen.
* Marisa Tomei correctly identifies Tavis Smiley’s car.
* Kevin James, Rebecca Quick, and Erin McCarley cop a plea to Dave.
* Queen Latifah, Adam Carolla, and Pussycat Dolls choose Jay.
* Jimmy chats up Mike Birbiglia.
* Ted Danson and Pauley Perrette damage Craig.
* Kate Hudson, Tim Daly, and Bang Camaro are almost Conan.

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
Who was Avery Brown’s daddy? It was at the time multiple choice between Jay Thomas’s Jerry Gold and Robin Thomas’s Jake Lowenstein (Murphy’s ex-husband). Lowenstein turned out to be the actual daddy.  Dan Quayle lost the coin toss too.

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Who was Avery Brown’s daddy?
A) Scott Bakula
B) Robin Thomas
C) Parker Stevenson
D) John Ritter
E) Jay Thomas

Tuesday brings the right answer, and a nip here, a tuck there.
—

7 p.m.
Mr. Sterling votes yes on Josh Brolin going “INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO” (Bravo).

7:30 p.m.
Jack has to diffuse a long bomb on “FIESTA BOWL” (Fox).

Jason Bateman and Sandra Oh have spirit. Yes they do. They have spirit how about the “2009 SPIRIT AWARDS NOMINATION SPECIAL” (IFC)?

8 p.m.
“THE BACHELOR” (ABC) has a young son. Now the harem has to like two idiot men.

“ANTIQUES ROADSHOW” (PBS) greases Palm Springs and sizes up Marilyn Monroe’s little black dress from “Some Like It Hot.”

Juno decides to marry Bleeker on “THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER” (ABC Family).

Chuck is missing … not just on NBC but on “GOSSIP GIRL” (CW).

“SUPERTAPDANCING” (NBC) moves to its permanent timeslot. Go South Africa.

8:30 p.m.
“Trading Spaces” spins off “DEAR GENEVIEVE” (HGTV). Are you sure you want to ask anyone from that show for advice?

9 p.m.
“THE STORY OF INDIA” (PBS) starts with the country’s colonization and continues into the Age of the Buddha in parts one and two.

“SEVEN SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE” (History) lists off the omens: Britney, Lindsey, Zac, Miley and the Jonas Brothers.

Leave it to the network that aired several months of “Breaking the Magician’s Code” specials to follow it up with a weekly “MASTERS OF ILLUSION” (MyNetworkTV). The best trick is a channel click.

10 P.M.
Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher punk the models applying for “TRUE BEAUTY” (ABC). Their team (Vanessa Minnillo, Cheryl Tiegs and “Top Model” stylist escapee Nole Marin) care about what’s on the inside.

TELE-GEBRA
“Survivor” + “Biggest Loser” = “DIETTRIBE” (Lifetime).

Anyone else remember the butler on “Joe Millionaire”? Didn’t think so. But Paul “Not Crocodile Dundee” Hogan got his own spinoff, buttling people in need of a “Wealthy Eye for the Poor Guy” getting married. Canada’s W Network ran the series in 2006. “GROOMED” (FineLiving) gets a second life in America amidst repeats of “Queer Eye,” “Biggest Loser,” “Iron Chef Japan,” and “Emeril Live.”

10:30 p.m.
Reverend Run’s kids spin off as “DADDY’S GIRLS” (MTV). Not to be confused with the 1994 CBS sit-bomb starring Dudley Moore, Harvey, Keri Russell, and Alan Ruck.
===
TTTTTT ANSWER
Sure SportsNight did it better … a year later … but who played a cable sports news anchor on ABC a year before Josh Charles and Peter Krause?
‘Twas Arsenio Hall on “Arsenio,” which paired him with Vivica A. Fox in a schizophrenic workplace/home life comedy.

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Sure SportsNight did it better … a year later … but who played a cable sports news anchor on ABC a year before Josh Charles and Peter Krause?
A) Scott Bakula
B) Ted Danson
C) Arsenio Hall
D) John Ritter
E) Jay Thomas

Monday brings the right answer, and makes you two days older and deeper in dept.

—
SATURDAY
8 p.m.
TELE-GEBRA
Several Nickelodeon game shows + “Punk’d” = “GAME SHOW IN MY HEAD” (CBS) as Joe Rogan, sends people out to do his / the writers bidding to humiliation for mid level prize money.

9 p.m.
Take out your aggression at the Paper street soap factory on “SEVEN DEADLY SINS: ANGER” (History).

9 p.m.
Vanessa Marcil tries not to kill the brats she’s charged with on “THE NANNY EXPRESS” (Hallmark)

TELE-GEBRA
“Must Love Dogs” + “Mother” = “SMOTHER” (Lifetime) as the obsessive Diane Keaton annoys therapist son Dax Shepard, as “Punk’d” spinoff night keeps on trucking through this Super Sounds of the Seventies Weekend.

SUNDAY
7 p.m.
Michael Phelps will likely be added to the “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SPORTS EXTRA 2009″ (NBC) sure to feature Synchronized Men’s Swimming.

8 p.m.
“SEVEN DEADLY SINS: PRIDE” (History) goeth after the Autumn.

The visuals may be creepy on “IN THE WOMB: DOGS” (National Geographic), but the ultra-sound is in THX.

TELE-GEBRA
“Celebrity Fit Club” - “The Biggest Loser” = “CONFESSIONS OF A TEEN IDOL” (VH1) as Scott Baio and Jason Hervey play Dr. ‘enry ‘iggins to Christopher Atkins, David Chokachi, Billy Hufsey, Jeremy Jackson, Eric Nies, James Walters and Adrian Zmed.

9 p.m.
Bond babe Gemma Arterton is “TESS OF THE D’URBERVILLES” (PBS), which as Peanuts character Sally Brown noted was written by “Laural N. Hardy.”

“IN THE WOMB: CATS” (National Geographic) shows how they make tennis rackets.

“NOSTRADAMUS: 2012″ (History) reveals why we’re all toast on Dec. 21, 2012.

TELE-GEBRA
* “America’s Got Talent” + The Olympics ÷ “Dancing with the Stars” - The Stars = “SUPERSTARS OF DANCE” (NBC) .
* “Rock of Love” + a bus = “ROCK OF LOVE BUS” (VH1).

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
Sure Ben Affleck’s impersonation of Keith Olbermann on “Saturday Night Live” sucked. But who successfully embodied KO on TV back in 1998? Josh Charles took on a highly Olbermann-esque role on “Sports Night.” The sitcom described with a minimum of three prepositional phrases involving the words “show,” “about,” and “sports.”

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

1. The FCC doesn’t presently regulate internet content, and your show is slated to be on at 12:35 in the morning anyway. What I am trying to say is this: Don’t censor the swear words.
2. If you are going to censor the swear words, as you did during Jimmy’s foul-mouthed tirade in “The Water Mug Challenge,” don’t forget to censor “fucking” which appears near the end of the installment as Jimmy is getting up to leave.

Also included in this week’s internet content:

• Jimmy likes to compare himself to Gallagher
• Jimmy has an office… and he thinks I’d find that interesting… were I a would-be sniper, I might be interested in learning his is the corner office on the 7th floor overlooking Radio City Music Hall
• Jimmy’s new year’s resolution was not to become a funny person… obviously
• Jimmy can be unfunny in front of thousands of drunk college kids in Florida
• Jimmy makes fun of Dick Cavett.. we’ll see whose talk show endures longer

Since I have yet to see a tangible display of talent, allow me to comment instead on Fallon’s style (no, not his wardrobe choices, which I covered last week). Because I always try to be positive when I can, I suppose I should praise Jimmy Fallon on at least being comfortable on camera. He may not be funny or talented, but at least he doesn’t seem nervous about it. Then there’s his voice. It is soothing and gentle, the way a laxative ought to be. And that’s what NBC may want for the late evening hours… someone who can help viewers crap out what they ingested during their prime time lineup.

brought to you by Apple... because Commodore went out of business years ago

Last but not least, I want to give the future “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” show credit for going with Apple computers. Behind the scenes footage of the offices of Jimmy, his many writers, and the production staff have shown nothing but Macs. So, either Apple has thrown the show some serious product placement money, or somebody on the production team has their wits about them.

Who says I can’t be positive?

Next week, I plan to stir the pot a bit. Stay tuned to see if anything boils over. As we all know, a watched pot never boils, which makes it all the more likely Jimmy Fallon will. After all, nobody’s watching him.

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Sure Ben Affleck’s impersonation of Keith Olbermann on “Saturday Night
Live” sucked. But who successfully embodied KO on TV back in 1998?
A) Josh Charles
B) Ted Danson
C) Arsenio Hall
D) Peter Krause
E) Jay Thomas

Saturday brings the right answer, and new old jokes.

—

7:30 P.M.
Alabama and Utah battle in “THE HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP BOWL” (Fox).

8 p.m.
Kevin Costner returns as Frank Farmer in “HITLER’S BODYGUARD”
(Military). Whitney Houston looks so cute with that little mustache.

Christian Slater has to prevent the bad guys from programming “DEAL OR
NO DEAL” (NBC) in the few hours of primetime that Jay Leno won’t be
hogging in the fall.

9 p.m.
Natasha Bedingfield guests on “LIPSTICK JUNGLE:STILL ON, SOMEHOW” (NBC).

10 p.m.
“MISS AMERICA: COUNTDOWN TO THE CROWN” (TLC) sends the 52 Miss America
contestants aboard the Queen Mary to compete in assorted weekly stunts,
thus turning the pageant into “Last Comic Standing.” Hint girls: Don’t
play hide and seek.

“20/20″ (ABC) reports on “extreme motherhood.” Can we just change the
title to “Ripley’s Believe it or Not?” or stop having it produced by the
news division?

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
Who hosted the very first (Dick Clark’s) “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve”
special ushering in 1973? Three Dog Night. George Carlin hosted the second.

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or
discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is
copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

(In alphabetical order)

Californication
Chuck
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show
House
Numbers
The Office
Rescue Me
Scrubs
Secret Diary of a Call Girl

(In alphahbetical order)

The Amazing Race
Boston Legal
Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog
Fringe
Pushing Daisies
The Rachel Maddow Show
Real Time With Bill Maher
The Soup
30 Rock
and Weeds

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
Who hosted the very first (Dick Clark’s) “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” special ushering in 1973?
A) George Carlin
B) Helen Reddy
C) Regis Philbin
D) Sonny and Cher
E) Three Dog Night

Friday brings the right answer, and new resolutions to be broken.

—
WEDNESDAY
8 p.m.
Have a Bizet night on “NEW YORK PHILHARMONIC NEW YEAR’S EVE GALA CONCERT: LIVE FROM LINCOLN CENTER” (PBS).

9 p.m.
The man in the yellow hat follows around 800 pound gorilla Curious Gorge on “SEVEN DEADLY SINS: GLUTTONY” (History).

“The Best Is Yet To Come” on “SPECTACLE: ELVIS COSTELLO WITH …” (Sundance) Tony Bennett.

10 p.m.
SYNES OF THE TIMES
* Amy Robach, Luke Russert, Ludacris, Katy Perry, T. I. the Ting Tings and Sir Elton John party down with “NBC’S NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH CARSON DALY” (NBC).
* Kelli Pickler, Fergie The Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift and Lionel Richie, Natasha Bedingfield, Fall Out Boy, Jesse McCartney, Ne-Yo, Pussycat Dolls, Solange, Robin Thicke and Will.i.am ring in “DICK CLARK’S PRIMETIME NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST 2009″ (ABC).

11 p.m.
David Cook, Daughtry, Scott Weiland, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Cirque du Soleil, Criss Angel and Robbie Knievel clink champagne glasses with Spike Feresten and Mark Thompson “NEW YEAR’S EVE LIVE” (Fox).

THURSDAY

11 A.M.
Moses supposes his toes is the “ROSE PARADE 2009″ (ABC, NBC, HGTV and the Travel Channel). Moses supposes erroneously.

BOWLED OVER
5 p.m.
The loser of the “ROSE BOWL” (ABC) gets to produce “Chinese Democracy II.”

8 p.m.
Julie Andrews hosts “THE NEW YEAR’S CELEBRATION 2009: FROM VIENNA” (PBS).

BOWLED OVER
The Virginia Tech hopes to massacre their opponents at the “ORANGE BOWL 2009″ (Fox).

“DEAL OR NO DEAL” (NBC) fills time.

9 p.m.
Laziness is three-toed on “SEVEN DEADLY SINS: SLOTH” (History).

9:30 p.m.
The blacklist gets the spotlight on “CINEMA’S EXILES: FROM HITLER TO HOLLYWOOD” (PBS).

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
While only 18 get used about 800 are prepared each time… What are they? “Weekend Update” jokes. Seth Meyer says the segment has 3 dedicated writers, a head writer and essentially they do an internal cast blog.

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.

TOM’S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
While only 18 get used about 800 are prepared each time… What are we talking ’bout Willis?
A) Lame plot twists involving time travel on “Heroes”
B) “Million Dollar Password” clues
C) Primetime Emmy statuettes
D) Red Coca Cola glasses for the American Idol judges
E) “Weekend Update” jokes

Wednesday brings the right answer, and a 1,070 pound geodesic orb of Waterford crystal.

—

8 p.m.
“Nova” asks “IS THERE LIFE ON MARS?” (PBS).

9 p.m.
Beyoncé, Laura Bush, Clint Eastwood, Honeyboy Edwards, Marcelo Gomes, Dave Grohl, Alan Jackson, Caroline Kennedy B. B. King, Bettye Lavette, Idina Menzel, Ne-Yo, Kelli O’Hara, Pinetop Perkins, Queen Latifah, Koko Taylor, Rob Thomas, Lily Tomlin and Denzel Washington pay tribute to Morgan Freeman, George Jones, Barbra Streisand, Twyla Tharp and Pete Townshend at “THE 31ST ANNUAL KENNEDY CENTER HONORS B.B.Q.” (CBS).

“SEVEN DEADLY SINS: ENVY” (History) trumps an ace.

9:30 p.m.
A breakup via text message is acceptable, “ACCORDING TO JIM” (ABC).

10 p.m.
“Independent Lens” salutes “OPERATION FILMMAKER” (PBS) which uproots a homeless Iraqi film student and drops him in a Hollywood production, and a shot at working for Jews, homosexuals, and/or Jewish homosexuals.

T.T.Forever
“ELI STONE” (ABC) gives it “One More Try” on “A Hard Day.”

“LEVERAGE” (TNT) get married to the mob.

Midnight
“WILFRED: THE POT SMOKING DOG” (IFC) yet another Aussie hit lands in the U.S..

===
TTTTTT ANSWER
When their tombstone is carved, he says his will read “Brilliant But Canceled.” Who’s on this BBC? Adrian Pasdar made the comment about his critically acclaimed bomb “Profit.”

But the conversation doesn’t end here, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the “TV or Not TV” Google list. “The Remote Patrol” is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd.