TV or Not TV

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s least sentient beings — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Nobody new to the list this week, but for some reason, the regular gang of tw*ts annoying me more than usual. Perhaps the constant exposure to them is getting to me.

Mena Suvari 5,470 (up from 5,323)
“Good Day, L♥vers!Hope you’re all having a wonderful Saturday/weekend!Thanx for continuing to inspire me every day!♥☺♥”

Online stalkers inspire you?Back in the ’90s, did you snuggle up next to your virtual pets?

Melissa Rivers 11,105 (up from10,962)
“Mommy is getting mani/pedi. Woohoo”

“… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

Courtney Love 32,823 (up from 31,605)
“im just pouting but damm i look cute!”

Get your eyes checked

Olivia Wilde 46,595 (up from 44,033)
“tried to joke to an 8 r old boy about his ipad making him look like a vry small man holding an iphone. he stared and said “no. its an ipad”"

Shannon Elizabeth 40,939 (up from 40,582)
“Random quote of the night….”Have you ever tied ur shoe too tight?” Haha”

Carrie Fisher 53,663 (up from 53,016)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Padma Lakshmi 57,119 (up from 54,868)
“Last HSN show coming up at 4pm EST. Hope you all tune in! Things are selling out quickly, very exciting!”

If you’re appearing on HSN, then THINGS aren’t all that has sold out.

Jennie Garth 72,999 (up from 72,463)
“Oh, and my daughter won 2nd place in the Strawberry Cup soccer tournament! Woot Woot!!”

As I say to my 40-year-old sister, girls can get away with using silly slang like “woot,” but when grown women use it, it makes them seem pathetic

Joan Rivers 87,591 (up from 86,334)
“One of the people on this season of How’d You Get $o Rich has so much money, last week he passed a 23 karat gall stone.”

With a dry, cool wit like that, Joan could be an action hero. Instead she is just another tw*t using her Twitter account to pimp her crappy show.

Jenna Jameson 116,915 (up from 115,403)

This tw*t just posted direct messages this week

Kelly Osbourne 282,676 (up from 279,509)
“Why is it that when ever your boyfriend gets sick they don’t even ask you they just give it you I woke up I throw up out my nose! m”

Anyone care to try to diagram that sentence?

Kathy Griffin 285,258 (up from 283,062)
“What kind of a cruel joke is it when ur addicted 2 the Food Network & can’t cook…at all? It is to me as porn is to straight (or gay) guys”

Something to whack off to?

Amanda Bynes 322,950 (up from 322,117)
“ily♥ (you know who you are)”

Eva Longoria 349,828 (up from 335,891)
“Me and my friend David Damian going to the White House to see Obama and Calderon!”

How sad for both countries that we sent Eve instead of someone who could use proper grammar — “My friend and I…” you stupid tw*t!

Lindsay Lohan 598,054 (up from 582,188)

Second week in a row of nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 754,891 (up from 750,422)
“I heart Mexico!!”

I am sure Mexicans really feel your heart.

Yoko Ono 870,811 (up from 863,481)
“All of us can work in any medium, just as we use water in everything we cook.”

I would probably struggle working in the medium of lesbian porn

Lauren Conrad 1,018,701 (up from 1,010,395)
“If you were thinking I was dorky enough to be singing along at a glee concert… And then buying a glee sweatshirt… You would be correct.”

I wasn’t thinking it, but I don’t doubt it for a minute

Suze Orman 1,075,624 (DOWN from 1,076,881)
“For those of you who follow my schedule- we have had to have a change of plans and I will NOT be on QVC this week- but we will return soon”

Eight weeks of decline! AND now, even QVC doesn’t want you.

Nicole Richie 1,089,438 (up from 1,078,904)
“Tru Dat”

Khloe Kardashian 1,236,137 (up from 1,218,611)
“I normally wear a permanent screwed on bracelet but lately it has been bugging me. Should I take it off for a while or tough it out?”

Something very fitting about the words “permanent screw” used in reference to a Kardashian girl

Tyra Banks 1,447,543 (up from 1,415,478)
“I buy so many candles but I rarely ever light them. Does anyone else do the same??”

Actually, Tyra, many people night the candles lit to provide warmth and illumination, because we aren’t are rich models

Paula Abdul 1,670,494 (up from 1,667,387)
“I had no idea Einstein had a sister! I’d love to have coffee & girl talk with her! ”

I’d pay good money to see a sit down with Abdul and Einstein

Demetria Lovato 1,838,630 (up from 1,803,793)
“Music is my band aid. It heals everything for me.”

Except Band-Aids don’t heal anything. They just help prevent dirt from getting into open wounds. And since Demetria spends time with the Jonas brothers, I’d guess the level of dirt covering her would quickly overcome a humble Band-Aid.

Selena Gomez 1,881,318 (up from 1,856,153)
“Jammin to Somebody to Love while in the studio! I love you guys, hope you have a great day!”

Please, in the name of all that is holy, don’t tell me Selena is doing a cover of a Queen song

Paris Hilton 1,938,027 (up from 1,901,608)
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny maters compared to what lies with in us.”

I’ve seen the video, Paris, and you are anything but a tiny mater.

Lily Allen 2,146,732 (up from 2,136,643)
“I’m not pregnant. FYI”

Sperm and eggs everywhere rejoice.

Chelsea Handler 2,188,277 (up from 2,174,492)

A second week where Handler tries to be funny using only pictures, and suffers the same lack of success as when she tries to use her words

Ashlee Simpson 2,183,348 (up from 2,178,526)
“Check out idol tonight my friend travis garland is gonna play!”

Are you sure he isn’t going to lip-sync, get caught, and do a goofy vamp dance across the stage? I only ask because you have confused the two before.

Katy Perry 2,421,220 (up from 2,375,374)
“I could really use a crunk juice iv right now.”

You could use a lot more than that

Jessica Simpson 2,498,715 (up from 2,474,844)
“Hammock time…Quiet night welcome…Stars let’s talk…Moon, shall we dance?”

Quick word of advice to the moon: Dance with her all you want, but wear some protection.

Demi Moore 2,718,156 (up from 2,703,270)

Nothing but retweets from this tw*t this week

Mariah Carey 2,754,146 (up from 2,723,596)
“See, I still can’t dm w/this new ish..ugh!!!”

For a half-second, I thought “dm” was a reference to being a Dungeon Master in D&D. Silly me.

Taylor Swift 3,242,011 (up from 3,198,800)
“One of the first episodes of The OC is on in my hotel room in Canada. I feel suddenly compelled to buy the entire first season on DVD.”

I watched an episode of The OC once and felt compelled to punch the creator of the series in the face. I fought the compulsion, but it wasn’t easy.

Oprah Winfrey 3,572,490 (up from 3,537,589)
“Think you can host YOUR OWN SHOW? Or know someone who can. The search is on. Go to oprah.com for details.”

Using the Oprah formula, all you need is an audience poised to cry, and “experts” who have brains the size of cashews.

Kim Kardashian 3,674,145 (up from 3,630,799)
“Someone just asked me if I was Miss USA, Rima Fakih!”

An easy mistake to make — you both pole dance. But Miss USA has a degree in economics, so there the similarity ends.

Lady Gaga 4,129,579 (up from 4,025,391)
“I am, perhaps a complicated person.+love seems to me,a complicated thing. But when I look at u, littlemonsters, its so simple. Love is easy.”

Apparently, Gaga is confusing love with sycophancy. As have we all.

The upfronts are the biggest annual events of the television industry. The networks announce their new fall schedules, and viewers get to spend the summer eagerly anticipating the mediocrity that is to come. We at “TV or not TV” worked tirelessly to provide you with this handy, dandy guide to Fall 2010 (suitable for printing and framing — right click to view larger or to save):

But wait, there’s more. Thanks to easily bribed mailroom clerks, we were able to acquire pilot episodes of all the new TV shows. What follows are brief summaries to wet your TV watching appetites:

ABC

No Ordinary Family: A one-hour dramedy about an incestuous clan of axe-murdering pedophiles who are anything but ordinary. Abe Vigoda co-stars as “Gramps.”

Detroit 187: A reality show chronicling the total population of the city of Detroit, all 187 of them.

Better Together: A sitcom about conjoined triplets. Markie Post plays their mother.

The Whole Truth: Tempest Bledsoe stars in this sitcom about a brutally honest OBGYN.

My Generation: A reality series featuring a “The Who” cover band comprised entirely of deaf mutes.

Secret Millionaire: Donald Trump doesn’t shower, shave, or change clothes for one month, then tries to bed every woman in Atlantic City. Any woman who takes him up on the offer wins $1 million. Spoiler alert: No one sleeps with Trump, even after they discover who he is.

Body of Proof: Loosely based on the movie “Clue,” which was loosely based on the Parker Brothers’ game “Clue,” which was loosely based on the early years of serial killer turned character actor Clu Gulager. Eve Plum co-stars as Ms. Plum.

CBS

The Defenders: Thomas Haden Church and Ian McShane star as Sven and Olaf, two aging European soccer goalies who balance their sports careers with their respective zany families. Lisa Kudrow co-stars as Sven’s wife Ursa.

Hawaii Five-O: Think you know what this series is about based on its title? Think again. It is about a woman who runs a convenience store in Cleveland, Ohio.  Sounds bad, right? But you haven’t heard who is playing the woman. Two words: Ellen Cleghorne.

Blue Bloods: This series borrows a lot of the CGI from the smash hit “Avatar” and recycles the scripts from the second season of “Baywatch: Nights” (since nobody saw it anyway). When a race of blue-skinned aliens attempts to conquer Earth, it is up to Brick McHuge (Tom Arnold) to send them packin’. Oddly enough, this series co-stars Kam Fong as Chin Ho (through the magic of more amazing CGI).

Mike and Molly: Jenna Elfman and Tea Leoni co-star in yet another series about outwardly flighty yet inwardly intelligent women – because they each made a pact with the devil who promised them both fame on the condition they keep appearing as tired clichés.

S- My Dad Says: “G.I. Joe” was so popular on the big screen that they decided to bring it to the small screen in live action form. To help flush out the character of Cobra Commander, everyone’s favorite hissing, lisping terrorist, viewers learn in the pilot episode that he has a daughter named Cicily (played by Selena Gomez). Just watching Cobra Commander try to pronounce his daughter’s name will warm your heart.

NBC

The Event: Originally an Al-Jazeera series, this NBC remake features the public beheading of a different infidel each week. Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney provide running commentary throughout each episode.

Chase: A reality series following Chevy Chase as he attempts to remind people that, at one point in history, he really was funny.

Undercovers: Jenna Jameson, Misty Mundae, and Ali Lohan play Bianca, Pastel, and Gem, porn stars by day, vice-cops by night. Or maybe the other way around. Or maybe both at the same time!

Law & Order: Los Angeles: The concept of conflict/resolution is raised to new heights as Dick Wolf sets the franchise in Heaven, where The Angels fight crime. Louie Anderson co-stars as God, a.k.a. the D.A.

Outsourced: This reality show is the 100% true story of the Proud Peacock’s 2010 prime time lineup. NBC farmed out the development of its new fall lineup to a group of  chimps in the San Diego Wild Animal Park who spent most of the last six months smothering each other in fecal matter. Everything makes sense now, don’t it?

Love Bites: From Darren Star comes this light-hearted drama about Claire (Paula Poundstone), a modern-day cannibal searching for love in all the wrong places.

Outlaw: A new TV drama ripped from the headlines. Dule Hill plays the only resident of Arizona who isn’t a racist mouth-breather. As a result, other in the state consider him an outlaw and attempt to hunt him down. It is like “The Fugitive,” but with rednecks and hillbillies.

Fox

Lonestar: A talent show featuring Simon Cowell, who—at this point—is convinced nobody else on the planet is as talented as he is, so he serves not only as the show’s judge, but the lone contestant as well. Each week he butchers a different song and wrecks a well-known dance style. Guest stars drop by each week to offer advice, but Cowell just punches them in the face.

Raising Hope: Tori Spelling plays Gail Raising, a bipolar, anorexic, drunk who has been in rehab half a dozen times – but seventh time is the charm!

Running Wilde: Soleil Moon Frye plays Winona Running, a pompous socialite whose private jet crashes in a remote Bolivian rainforest. Befriending a local drug dealer (Emo Phillips), the prissy gal must adapt to a life where it isn’t what you wear that matters, but which wild jungle creature you can train to rip out the throat of your enemies.

The Good Guys: A coming of age story of Jack and Spencer (Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillipe) framed for murder, hiding out in Provo, Utah. The late Merlin Olsen was supposed to play Otto, a cantankerous landlord with a heart of gold, but the role has been recast and is now being played by Gary Coleman.

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s most inflated egos — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Joan Rivers’ spawn is added to the list this week. Suze Orman’s continuous decline in numbers also moves her down the rankings. Demi Moore slips behind Mariah Carey, and that can’t be a hygienic place for anyone to be. And one tw*t has surpassed the four-million mark, proving that there is no civilization anymore.

Mena Suvari 5,323 (up from 5,177)
“K, nighty night, L♥vers! Keep it real wherever you bXxx”

WTF is “bXxx”?

Melissa Rivers 10,962
“Only outgoing tweets working! Yikes!”

It is possible you have no incoming messages and nobody has any interest in replying to what you say, do, or think

Courtney Love 31,605 (up from 30,045)
“i mean it kookoo bananas madmen.but hey im allegedly batshit so why not pick on me? plus im good in bed i hear. im just a bore really.”

Why is that every time I read the “thoughts” of Ms. Love, I feel like I need a shower?

Olivia Wilde 44,033 (up from 41,962)
“Sorry. Premature Twittaculation. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings “Thus Land Is Your Land” wowwwwww”

Shannon Elizabeth 40,582 (up from 40,270)
“Playing the $40 table @ Commerce w/my girl & literally can’t make a pair-haha-time to go!”

Shannon is not the class of person I think of when I think of people who go to Commerce Casino. Frankly, I’m the class of person I think of.

Carrie Fisher 53,016 (up from 52,194)
“You’ll recognize me from my resemblance to Elton John & Tweedledum… the secret password… my Twitter Bio.”

Carrie’s “bio” states, “If you don’t like me please suck my big bovine tiny dancer c*ck.”A long way to go for a not-too-funny joke.

Padma Lakshmi 54,868 (up from 53,126)
“Having a great time bowling at lucky strike. Thx to the chef for veggie plate! ”

I don’t care if the cost is $15,000 per lane per hour, the guy preparing food at a bowling alley is NOT a chef.

Jennie Garth 72,463 (up from 71,953)
“So I was thinking… I am going to try to occasionally tweet some of my fave things. Keep an eye out and spread the love:)”

He he — Jennie Garth has been thinking — that’s adorable.

Joan Rivers 86,334 (up from 82,410)
“I’ll never have money like the folks on How’d You Get $o Rich. I make bad investments, like the Heather McCartney Leg-warmers I bought into.”

Always with the timely jokes

Jenna Jameson 115,403 (up from 114,271)
“Thanks adultmart for the amazing signing… what amazing fans in Ohio! My hand is cramped, but its well worth it! Xoxxoxoxx”

Too easy — skipping it and moving on

Kelly Osbourne 279,509 (up from 277,487)
“So over American airlines”

I’m sure they are equally over you

Kathy Griffin 283,062 (up from 281,635)
“Vegas! It’s happened! An evening with me, Kathy Griffin @ the Colosseum @ Caesars Sat, July 10th. What am I, Celine Dion?Cher?Get tix now”

You, Celine, and Cher all have faces that somewhat resemble that of a horse, so I’d count you in that grouping

Eva Longoria 335,891 (up from 324,039)
“Shooting makeup commercial for Loreal in Paris”

Eva is way too attractive to be on Twitter.

Amanda Bynes 322,117 (up from 319,754)
“I like to cut ♥ I bet u kno what I’m saying ”

As usual, I don’t have a freakin’ clue what you’re saying

Lindsay Lohan 582,188 (up from 568,657)

Nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 750,422 (up from 748,046)
“Just grilled up some hot dogs and hamburgers. Finished off lunch with watermelon. It’s been a perfect Sunday afternoon in East Hampton.”

Yoko Ono 863,481 (up from 857,540)
“Send the moonlight to a friend.”

It is never too late for rehab, Yoko.

Lauren Conrad 1,010,395 (up from 1,003,964)

This tw*t’s posts were all self-promotional except one that promoted a book written by another reality bimbo

Suze Orman 1,076,881 (DOWN from 1,077,996)
“Coming up on Saturday you find out if you won that 10000. Can’t wait to tell you who it is. Mark your calendar to watch the Suze Orman show”

Seven weeks of decline! As for her specific post, anyone who marks his or her calendar to be reminded to watch Suze Orman should join Yoko Ono’s therapy group.

Nicole Richie 1,078,904 (up from 1,070,972)
“I miss Ma$e”

Khloe Kardashian 1,218,611 (up from 1,203,240)
“I hate when people leave me voice mails! I see that you called… I’ll call you back. And if I don’t then there’s a reason for it”

I don’t think there is enough bandwidth on the internet to hold Khloe’s ego

Tyra Banks 1,415,478 (up from 1,391,054)
“hmmm what could be missing?? ”

The intelligence I know you possess but for some reason you choose not to publicly share?

Paula Abdul 1,667,387 (up from 1,665,772)
“Hey, you guys want a fun Friday fact? lol!”

Demetria Lovato 1,803,793 (up from 1,776,388)
“Jimmy Kimbles.”

Selena Gomez 1,856,153 (up from 1,832,497)
“What are the odds……Today I graduated from high school and got my diploma!!!!! I also filmed my graduation…”

Even more fun than Selena’s post was this Facebook comment made to it, reproduced in its entirety (ostensibly not from a high school graduate): “Selena i love u r the bestest could u plz got to miami florida it is a hot place to go to the beach like umm miami beach i just wanted to tell u that its a good idea for u to go to miami and relax i hope u go to miami florida on vacation its always being my dream to see u cause i live in miami well write me back and tell where r u going in the … See Morevacation u i wich i could get ur aughtergraph idk how to spell aughtergraph lol well back to wat i was talking about plz come to miami for vacation i wish i could get ur autergraph and picture i want a picture with me and u i am ur biggest fan bye plz come on the summer”

Paris Hilton 1,901,608 (up from 1,875,181)
“Had an amazing time at the race today. Went in the driver’s pit and met all the drivers and crew. We had a blast! Monaco Rules!”

I would have assumed the driver would go in Paris’ pit, but to each their own.

Lily Allen 2,136,643 (up from 2,129,876)
“Oh my god. On my way to the ground. I’m too nervous . Arrrrrggghh !”

The correct spelling is either “Argh” or, if you are really stressed, “Aaarrrggghhh.” Please make a note of it.

Chelsea Handler 2,174,492 (up from 2,163,734)

Nothing from this tw*t this week except links to pictures that, like everything else she says or does, aren’t interesting or funny

Ashlee Simpson 2,178,526 (up from 2,174,829)
“@jessicasimpson I just saw a preview for your show! Woman it looks so good This tuesday check out THE PRICE OF BEAUTY!”

I normally don’t post direct messages, but Ashlee is actually telling her sister Jessica to check out her own show — that amused me.

Katy Perry 2,375,374 (up from 2,330,643)
“Tomorrow I’m gonna eat one of those double chicken bun sandwiches and float in the pool till I fall asleep.”

Jessica Simpson 2,474,844 (up from 2,431,909)
“My bro-in-law just gave me a book to read. Gonna have sun worship time tomorrow with this book as facial sunscreen”

He he — Jessica Simpson has been reading — how adorable.

Demi Moore 2,703,270 (up from 2,680,343)
“thr R 3 major things that R hard 4 ppl 2 share $$, time & emotions. 2day master them all; share yr $$ share yr time & share yr heart -Sharbi”

Also tough to share proper spelling, apparently

Mariah Carey 2,723,596 (up from 2,668,222)
“Ugh.. traveling since 1901 but I’m in Egypt now overlooking the Nile and I’m very happy to be here!”

Warning: Pun Follows = No need to have posted this Mariah; you’ve been in denial for ages now

Taylor Swift 3,198,800 (up from 3,114,929)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Oprah Winfrey 3,537,589 (up from 3,476,473)

This tw*t hasn’t posted anything since April 16th, but she’s still gained tens of thousands of new followers since last week

Kim Kardashian 3,630,799 (up from 3,524,120)
“I want everything in the Sky Mall”

With a dry, cool wit like that, it is easy to understand how she’s gained 100,000 new followers in a single week

Lady Gaga 4,025,391 (up from 3,836,752)
“Kleine Monsters. Berlin is about to explode as the Monsterball begins. Open the cathedral + bang on your drums, tonight is for your freedom.”

In related news, Berlin announced today that they are erecting another wall

Revised 5/14/10 (see the last item on the list)

Every six months or so, I try to share some of the podcasts I’ve discovered. That time has come again. As usual it is a mixed bag, and I’m also including some that I’m inviting you to try out as I do — they might not make the cut in the long run.

“7 Day Sunday”
A new favorite of mine, this podcast from BBC5 features panelists cracking jokes about the week’s top stories in politics, entertainment, science, and sports. Features Andy Zaltzman from “The Bugle.”

“Answer Me This!“
Helen Zaltzman (sister of Andy) and her co-host Olly Mann tackle the questions somebody thought to ask, but nobody really needed answered.

“Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast“
Comedian Bill Burr was regularly putting out a podcast every Monday. He hasn’t kept up with it the last few months, but I hope he comes back to it. The older installments are also worth sampling.

“The Brian Whitman Podcast“
Brian Whitman is, and I think I’m being as kind as I can be, different. He has traveled a hard road, fighting addiction and clawing his way back. I have been a fan of his since he was partnered with Tim Conway Jr. He’s attempted several podcast-based comebacks. For me, this is his last hurrah. If he doesn’t get it together this time, I’m moving on. The thing is, when he does have it together, he is an artist.

“Eye On America“
Another one that isn’t updated regularly, this podcast compiles segments of ONN (The Onion News Network) into a full sized program.

“The Impact Show with Frank Sontag“
Though he is still a part of Mark and Brian’s morning show on KLOS, Frank Sontag’s long-running talk show was dropped from the station last year, but has found a new home on the “Talk Radio One” internet radio network. The podcasts are not on iTunes, but the link will take you to the website where you can download them or listen live every Thursday at 6pm PST. Frank’s life has changed dramatically in recent weeks and it has been interesting to hear about.

“I Love Movies“
Host Doug Benson is not enough to keep me coming back to this podcast. He is, frankly, somewhat bland. But he does manage to get a decent group of guests. I tune in for the guests I like and tune out for the guests I don’t.

“The Jerry Doyle Show“
The former security chief of “Babylon 5″ now works as a conservative talk show host (and author). He is smart and funny, yet he is also one of Sarah Palin’s Tea Party followers. The dichotomy results in me wanting to shake his hand one minute and punch him in the face the next.

“John Holmes“
Holmes (whom I know from BBC’s “The Now Show“) hosts his own show on BBC6, at least until the network goes the way of the dodo bird. The whole podcast version of the show is worth listening for the rack’n'roll traffic report.

“KFI 640 AM Tim Conway Jr“
Tim Conway is back on the air full time in the City of Angels. AM radio is a different animal than the FM talk he’s used to. It is more issues based and at times more conservative, but worth a listen.

“The Nerdist“
Like Doug Benson, host Chris Hardwick isn’t particularly charismatic. He isn’t bad, but he is nothing to write home about. But, again like Benson, his podcast manages to land some terrific guests, from the Muppets to Andy Richter.

“Radio Free Burrito“
Wil “I am not Wesley Crusher” Wheaton is easy to dislike. But give him (and his podcast) half a chance, and he’ll grow on you. He is an admitted geek who tells tales of both a personal and professional nature.

One more entry for your consideration:

“Geno Michellini’s Turntable Hits“
Another KLOS veteran has just launched his own podcast (hours ago, as I type this), hoping to play around with the nearly forgotten AAA (adult album alternative) format. Geno’s podcast is music driven, and features deep cuts from well-known and obscure records. The man behind the oft’ imitated, never duplicated “5 O’Clock Funnies” is back!