TV or Not TV

Jenna Jameson

Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 5/23/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s least sentient beings — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Nobody new to the list this week, but for some reason, the regular gang of tw*ts annoying me more than usual. Perhaps the constant exposure to them is getting to me.

Mena Suvari 5,470 (up from 5,323)
“Good Day, L♥vers!Hope you’re all having a wonderful Saturday/weekend!Thanx for continuing to inspire me every day!♥☺♥”

Online stalkers inspire you?Back in the ’90s, did you snuggle up next to your virtual pets?

Melissa Rivers 11,105 (up from10,962)
“Mommy is getting mani/pedi. Woohoo”

“… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

Courtney Love 32,823 (up from 31,605)
“im just pouting but damm i look cute!”

Get your eyes checked

Olivia Wilde 46,595 (up from 44,033)
“tried to joke to an 8 r old boy about his ipad making him look like a vry small man holding an iphone. he stared and said “no. its an ipad”"

Shannon Elizabeth 40,939 (up from 40,582)
“Random quote of the night….”Have you ever tied ur shoe too tight?” Haha”

Carrie Fisher 53,663 (up from 53,016)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Padma Lakshmi 57,119 (up from 54,868)
“Last HSN show coming up at 4pm EST. Hope you all tune in! Things are selling out quickly, very exciting!”

If you’re appearing on HSN, then THINGS aren’t all that has sold out.

Jennie Garth 72,999 (up from 72,463)
“Oh, and my daughter won 2nd place in the Strawberry Cup soccer tournament! Woot Woot!!”

As I say to my 40-year-old sister, girls can get away with using silly slang like “woot,” but when grown women use it, it makes them seem pathetic

Joan Rivers 87,591 (up from 86,334)
“One of the people on this season of How’d You Get $o Rich has so much money, last week he passed a 23 karat gall stone.”

With a dry, cool wit like that, Joan could be an action hero. Instead she is just another tw*t using her Twitter account to pimp her crappy show.

Jenna Jameson 116,915 (up from 115,403)

This tw*t just posted direct messages this week

Kelly Osbourne 282,676 (up from 279,509)
“Why is it that when ever your boyfriend gets sick they don’t even ask you they just give it you I woke up I throw up out my nose! :( m”

Anyone care to try to diagram that sentence?

Kathy Griffin 285,258 (up from 283,062)
“What kind of a cruel joke is it when ur addicted 2 the Food Network & can’t cook…at all? It is to me as porn is to straight (or gay) guys”

Something to whack off to?

Amanda Bynes 322,950 (up from 322,117)
“ily♥ (you know who you are)”

Eva Longoria 349,828 (up from 335,891)
“Me and my friend David Damian going to the White House to see Obama and Calderon!”

How sad for both countries that we sent Eve instead of someone who could use proper grammar — “My friend and I…” you stupid tw*t!

Lindsay Lohan 598,054 (up from 582,188)

Second week in a row of nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 754,891 (up from 750,422)
“I heart Mexico!!”

I am sure Mexicans really feel your heart.

Yoko Ono 870,811 (up from 863,481)
“All of us can work in any medium, just as we use water in everything we cook.”

I would probably struggle working in the medium of lesbian porn

Lauren Conrad 1,018,701 (up from 1,010,395)
“If you were thinking I was dorky enough to be singing along at a glee concert… And then buying a glee sweatshirt… You would be correct.”

I wasn’t thinking it, but I don’t doubt it for a minute

Suze Orman 1,075,624 (DOWN from 1,076,881)
“For those of you who follow my schedule- we have had to have a change of plans and I will NOT be on QVC this week- but we will return soon”

Eight weeks of decline! AND now, even QVC doesn’t want you.

Nicole Richie 1,089,438 (up from 1,078,904)
“Tru Dat”

Khloe Kardashian 1,236,137 (up from 1,218,611)
“I normally wear a permanent screwed on bracelet but lately it has been bugging me. Should I take it off for a while or tough it out?”

Something very fitting about the words “permanent screw” used in reference to a Kardashian girl

Tyra Banks 1,447,543 (up from 1,415,478)
“I buy so many candles but I rarely ever light them. Does anyone else do the same??”

Actually, Tyra, many people night the candles lit to provide warmth and illumination, because we aren’t are rich models

Paula Abdul 1,670,494 (up from 1,667,387)
“I had no idea Einstein had a sister! I’d love to have coffee & girl talk with her! ;)”

I’d pay good money to see a sit down with Abdul and Einstein

Demetria Lovato 1,838,630 (up from 1,803,793)
“Music is my band aid. It heals everything for me.”

Except Band-Aids don’t heal anything. They just help prevent dirt from getting into open wounds. And since Demetria spends time with the Jonas brothers, I’d guess the level of dirt covering her would quickly overcome a humble Band-Aid.

Selena Gomez 1,881,318 (up from 1,856,153)
“Jammin to Somebody to Love while in the studio! I love you guys, hope you have a great day!”

Please, in the name of all that is holy, don’t tell me Selena is doing a cover of a Queen song

Paris Hilton 1,938,027 (up from 1,901,608)
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny maters compared to what lies with in us.”

I’ve seen the video, Paris, and you are anything but a tiny mater.

Lily Allen 2,146,732 (up from 2,136,643)
“I’m not pregnant. FYI”

Sperm and eggs everywhere rejoice.

Chelsea Handler 2,188,277 (up from 2,174,492)

A second week where Handler tries to be funny using only pictures, and suffers the same lack of success as when she tries to use her words

Ashlee Simpson 2,183,348 (up from 2,178,526)
“Check out idol tonight my friend travis garland is gonna play!”

Are you sure he isn’t going to lip-sync, get caught, and do a goofy vamp dance across the stage? I only ask because you have confused the two before.

Katy Perry 2,421,220 (up from 2,375,374)
“I could really use a crunk juice iv right now.”

You could use a lot more than that

Jessica Simpson 2,498,715 (up from 2,474,844)
“Hammock time…Quiet night welcome…Stars let’s talk…Moon, shall we dance?”

Quick word of advice to the moon: Dance with her all you want, but wear some protection.

Demi Moore 2,718,156 (up from 2,703,270)

Nothing but retweets from this tw*t this week

Mariah Carey 2,754,146 (up from 2,723,596)
“See, I still can’t dm w/this new ish..ugh!!!”

For a half-second, I thought “dm” was a reference to being a Dungeon Master in D&D. Silly me.

Taylor Swift 3,242,011 (up from 3,198,800)
“One of the first episodes of The OC is on in my hotel room in Canada. I feel suddenly compelled to buy the entire first season on DVD.”

I watched an episode of The OC once and felt compelled to punch the creator of the series in the face. I fought the compulsion, but it wasn’t easy.

Oprah Winfrey 3,572,490 (up from 3,537,589)
“Think you can host YOUR OWN SHOW? Or know someone who can. The search is on. Go to oprah.com for details.”

Using the Oprah formula, all you need is an audience poised to cry, and “experts” who have brains the size of cashews.

Kim Kardashian 3,674,145 (up from 3,630,799)
“Someone just asked me if I was Miss USA, Rima Fakih!”

An easy mistake to make — you both pole dance. But Miss USA has a degree in economics, so there the similarity ends.

Lady Gaga 4,129,579 (up from 4,025,391)
“I am, perhaps a complicated person.+love seems to me,a complicated thing. But when I look at u, littlemonsters, its so simple. Love is easy.”

Apparently, Gaga is confusing love with sycophancy. As have we all.

Your official guide to the 2010 TV season!

The upfronts are the biggest annual events of the television industry. The networks announce their new fall schedules, and viewers get to spend the summer eagerly anticipating the mediocrity that is to come. We at “TV or not TV” worked tirelessly to provide you with this handy, dandy guide to Fall 2010 (suitable for printing and framing — right click to view larger or to save):


But wait, there’s more. Thanks to easily bribed mailroom clerks, we were able to acquire pilot episodes of all the new TV shows. What follows are brief summaries to wet your TV watching appetites:

ABC

No Ordinary Family: A one-hour dramedy about an incestuous clan of axe-murdering pedophiles who are anything but ordinary. Abe Vigoda co-stars as “Gramps.”

Detroit 187: A reality show chronicling the total population of the city of Detroit, all 187 of them.

Better Together: A sitcom about conjoined triplets. Markie Post plays their mother.

The Whole Truth: Tempest Bledsoe stars in this sitcom about a brutally honest OBGYN.

My Generation: A reality series featuring a “The Who” cover band comprised entirely of deaf mutes.

Secret Millionaire: Donald Trump doesn’t shower, shave, or change clothes for one month, then tries to bed every woman in Atlantic City. Any woman who takes him up on the offer wins $1 million. Spoiler alert: No one sleeps with Trump, even after they discover who he is.

Body of Proof: Loosely based on the movie “Clue,” which was loosely based on the Parker Brothers’ game “Clue,” which was loosely based on the early years of serial killer turned character actor Clu Gulager. Eve Plum co-stars as Ms. Plum.

CBS

The Defenders: Thomas Haden Church and Ian McShane star as Sven and Olaf, two aging European soccer goalies who balance their sports careers with their respective zany families. Lisa Kudrow co-stars as Sven’s wife Ursa.

Hawaii Five-O: Think you know what this series is about based on its title? Think again. It is about a woman who runs a convenience store in Cleveland, Ohio.  Sounds bad, right? But you haven’t heard who is playing the woman. Two words: Ellen Cleghorne.

Blue Bloods: This series borrows a lot of the CGI from the smash hit “Avatar” and recycles the scripts from the second season of “Baywatch: Nights” (since nobody saw it anyway). When a race of blue-skinned aliens attempts to conquer Earth, it is up to Brick McHuge (Tom Arnold) to send them packin’. Oddly enough, this series co-stars Kam Fong as Chin Ho (through the magic of more amazing CGI).

Mike and Molly: Jenna Elfman and Tea Leoni co-star in yet another series about outwardly flighty yet inwardly intelligent women – because they each made a pact with the devil who promised them both fame on the condition they keep appearing as tired clichés.

S- My Dad Says: “G.I. Joe” was so popular on the big screen that they decided to bring it to the small screen in live action form. To help flush out the character of Cobra Commander, everyone’s favorite hissing, lisping terrorist, viewers learn in the pilot episode that he has a daughter named Cicily (played by Selena Gomez). Just watching Cobra Commander try to pronounce his daughter’s name will warm your heart.

NBC

The Event: Originally an Al-Jazeera series, this NBC remake features the public beheading of a different infidel each week. Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney provide running commentary throughout each episode.

Chase: A reality series following Chevy Chase as he attempts to remind people that, at one point in history, he really was funny.

Undercovers: Jenna Jameson, Misty Mundae, and Ali Lohan play Bianca, Pastel, and Gem, porn stars by day, vice-cops by night. Or maybe the other way around. Or maybe both at the same time!

Law & Order: Los Angeles: The concept of conflict/resolution is raised to new heights as Dick Wolf sets the franchise in Heaven, where The Angels fight crime. Louie Anderson co-stars as God, a.k.a. the D.A.

Outsourced: This reality show is the 100% true story of the Proud Peacock’s 2010 prime time lineup. NBC farmed out the development of its new fall lineup to a group of  chimps in the San Diego Wild Animal Park who spent most of the last six months smothering each other in fecal matter. Everything makes sense now, don’t it?

Love Bites: From Darren Star comes this light-hearted drama about Claire (Paula Poundstone), a modern-day cannibal searching for love in all the wrong places.

Outlaw: A new TV drama ripped from the headlines. Dule Hill plays the only resident of Arizona who isn’t a racist mouth-breather. As a result, other in the state consider him an outlaw and attempt to hunt him down. It is like “The Fugitive,” but with rednecks and hillbillies.

Fox

Lonestar: A talent show featuring Simon Cowell, who—at this point—is convinced nobody else on the planet is as talented as he is, so he serves not only as the show’s judge, but the lone contestant as well. Each week he butchers a different song and wrecks a well-known dance style. Guest stars drop by each week to offer advice, but Cowell just punches them in the face.

Raising Hope: Tori Spelling plays Gail Raising, a bipolar, anorexic, drunk who has been in rehab half a dozen times – but seventh time is the charm!

Running Wilde: Soleil Moon Frye plays Winona Running, a pompous socialite whose private jet crashes in a remote Bolivian rainforest. Befriending a local drug dealer (Emo Phillips), the prissy gal must adapt to a life where it isn’t what you wear that matters, but which wild jungle creature you can train to rip out the throat of your enemies.

The Good Guys: A coming of age story of Jack and Spencer (Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillipe) framed for murder, hiding out in Provo, Utah. The late Merlin Olsen was supposed to play Otto, a cantankerous landlord with a heart of gold, but the role has been recast and is now being played by Gary Coleman.