TV or Not TV

Kathy Griffin

Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 5/23/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s least sentient beings — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Nobody new to the list this week, but for some reason, the regular gang of tw*ts annoying me more than usual. Perhaps the constant exposure to them is getting to me.

Mena Suvari 5,470 (up from 5,323)
“Good Day, L♥vers!Hope you’re all having a wonderful Saturday/weekend!Thanx for continuing to inspire me every day!♥☺♥”

Online stalkers inspire you?Back in the ’90s, did you snuggle up next to your virtual pets?

Melissa Rivers 11,105 (up from10,962)
“Mommy is getting mani/pedi. Woohoo”

“… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

Courtney Love 32,823 (up from 31,605)
“im just pouting but damm i look cute!”

Get your eyes checked

Olivia Wilde 46,595 (up from 44,033)
“tried to joke to an 8 r old boy about his ipad making him look like a vry small man holding an iphone. he stared and said “no. its an ipad”"

Shannon Elizabeth 40,939 (up from 40,582)
“Random quote of the night….”Have you ever tied ur shoe too tight?” Haha”

Carrie Fisher 53,663 (up from 53,016)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Padma Lakshmi 57,119 (up from 54,868)
“Last HSN show coming up at 4pm EST. Hope you all tune in! Things are selling out quickly, very exciting!”

If you’re appearing on HSN, then THINGS aren’t all that has sold out.

Jennie Garth 72,999 (up from 72,463)
“Oh, and my daughter won 2nd place in the Strawberry Cup soccer tournament! Woot Woot!!”

As I say to my 40-year-old sister, girls can get away with using silly slang like “woot,” but when grown women use it, it makes them seem pathetic

Joan Rivers 87,591 (up from 86,334)
“One of the people on this season of How’d You Get $o Rich has so much money, last week he passed a 23 karat gall stone.”

With a dry, cool wit like that, Joan could be an action hero. Instead she is just another tw*t using her Twitter account to pimp her crappy show.

Jenna Jameson 116,915 (up from 115,403)

This tw*t just posted direct messages this week

Kelly Osbourne 282,676 (up from 279,509)
“Why is it that when ever your boyfriend gets sick they don’t even ask you they just give it you I woke up I throw up out my nose! :( m”

Anyone care to try to diagram that sentence?

Kathy Griffin 285,258 (up from 283,062)
“What kind of a cruel joke is it when ur addicted 2 the Food Network & can’t cook…at all? It is to me as porn is to straight (or gay) guys”

Something to whack off to?

Amanda Bynes 322,950 (up from 322,117)
“ily♥ (you know who you are)”

Eva Longoria 349,828 (up from 335,891)
“Me and my friend David Damian going to the White House to see Obama and Calderon!”

How sad for both countries that we sent Eve instead of someone who could use proper grammar — “My friend and I…” you stupid tw*t!

Lindsay Lohan 598,054 (up from 582,188)

Second week in a row of nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 754,891 (up from 750,422)
“I heart Mexico!!”

I am sure Mexicans really feel your heart.

Yoko Ono 870,811 (up from 863,481)
“All of us can work in any medium, just as we use water in everything we cook.”

I would probably struggle working in the medium of lesbian porn

Lauren Conrad 1,018,701 (up from 1,010,395)
“If you were thinking I was dorky enough to be singing along at a glee concert… And then buying a glee sweatshirt… You would be correct.”

I wasn’t thinking it, but I don’t doubt it for a minute

Suze Orman 1,075,624 (DOWN from 1,076,881)
“For those of you who follow my schedule- we have had to have a change of plans and I will NOT be on QVC this week- but we will return soon”

Eight weeks of decline! AND now, even QVC doesn’t want you.

Nicole Richie 1,089,438 (up from 1,078,904)
“Tru Dat”

Khloe Kardashian 1,236,137 (up from 1,218,611)
“I normally wear a permanent screwed on bracelet but lately it has been bugging me. Should I take it off for a while or tough it out?”

Something very fitting about the words “permanent screw” used in reference to a Kardashian girl

Tyra Banks 1,447,543 (up from 1,415,478)
“I buy so many candles but I rarely ever light them. Does anyone else do the same??”

Actually, Tyra, many people night the candles lit to provide warmth and illumination, because we aren’t are rich models

Paula Abdul 1,670,494 (up from 1,667,387)
“I had no idea Einstein had a sister! I’d love to have coffee & girl talk with her! ;)”

I’d pay good money to see a sit down with Abdul and Einstein

Demetria Lovato 1,838,630 (up from 1,803,793)
“Music is my band aid. It heals everything for me.”

Except Band-Aids don’t heal anything. They just help prevent dirt from getting into open wounds. And since Demetria spends time with the Jonas brothers, I’d guess the level of dirt covering her would quickly overcome a humble Band-Aid.

Selena Gomez 1,881,318 (up from 1,856,153)
“Jammin to Somebody to Love while in the studio! I love you guys, hope you have a great day!”

Please, in the name of all that is holy, don’t tell me Selena is doing a cover of a Queen song

Paris Hilton 1,938,027 (up from 1,901,608)
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny maters compared to what lies with in us.”

I’ve seen the video, Paris, and you are anything but a tiny mater.

Lily Allen 2,146,732 (up from 2,136,643)
“I’m not pregnant. FYI”

Sperm and eggs everywhere rejoice.

Chelsea Handler 2,188,277 (up from 2,174,492)

A second week where Handler tries to be funny using only pictures, and suffers the same lack of success as when she tries to use her words

Ashlee Simpson 2,183,348 (up from 2,178,526)
“Check out idol tonight my friend travis garland is gonna play!”

Are you sure he isn’t going to lip-sync, get caught, and do a goofy vamp dance across the stage? I only ask because you have confused the two before.

Katy Perry 2,421,220 (up from 2,375,374)
“I could really use a crunk juice iv right now.”

You could use a lot more than that

Jessica Simpson 2,498,715 (up from 2,474,844)
“Hammock time…Quiet night welcome…Stars let’s talk…Moon, shall we dance?”

Quick word of advice to the moon: Dance with her all you want, but wear some protection.

Demi Moore 2,718,156 (up from 2,703,270)

Nothing but retweets from this tw*t this week

Mariah Carey 2,754,146 (up from 2,723,596)
“See, I still can’t dm w/this new ish..ugh!!!”

For a half-second, I thought “dm” was a reference to being a Dungeon Master in D&D. Silly me.

Taylor Swift 3,242,011 (up from 3,198,800)
“One of the first episodes of The OC is on in my hotel room in Canada. I feel suddenly compelled to buy the entire first season on DVD.”

I watched an episode of The OC once and felt compelled to punch the creator of the series in the face. I fought the compulsion, but it wasn’t easy.

Oprah Winfrey 3,572,490 (up from 3,537,589)
“Think you can host YOUR OWN SHOW? Or know someone who can. The search is on. Go to oprah.com for details.”

Using the Oprah formula, all you need is an audience poised to cry, and “experts” who have brains the size of cashews.

Kim Kardashian 3,674,145 (up from 3,630,799)
“Someone just asked me if I was Miss USA, Rima Fakih!”

An easy mistake to make — you both pole dance. But Miss USA has a degree in economics, so there the similarity ends.

Lady Gaga 4,129,579 (up from 4,025,391)
“I am, perhaps a complicated person.+love seems to me,a complicated thing. But when I look at u, littlemonsters, its so simple. Love is easy.”

Apparently, Gaga is confusing love with sycophancy. As have we all.

Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 5/16/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s most inflated egos — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Joan Rivers’ spawn is added to the list this week. Suze Orman’s continuous decline in numbers also moves her down the rankings. Demi Moore slips behind Mariah Carey, and that can’t be a hygienic place for anyone to be. And one tw*t has surpassed the four-million mark, proving that there is no civilization anymore.

Mena Suvari 5,323 (up from 5,177)
“K, nighty night, L♥vers! Keep it real wherever you bXxx”

WTF is “bXxx”?

Melissa Rivers 10,962
“Only outgoing tweets working! Yikes!”

It is possible you have no incoming messages and nobody has any interest in replying to what you say, do, or think

Courtney Love 31,605 (up from 30,045)
“i mean it kookoo bananas madmen.but hey im allegedly batshit so why not pick on me? plus im good in bed i hear. im just a bore really.”

Why is that every time I read the “thoughts” of Ms. Love, I feel like I need a shower?

Olivia Wilde 44,033 (up from 41,962)
“Sorry. Premature Twittaculation. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings “Thus Land Is Your Land” wowwwwww”

Shannon Elizabeth 40,582 (up from 40,270)
“Playing the $40 table @ Commerce w/my girl & literally can’t make a pair-haha-time to go!”

Shannon is not the class of person I think of when I think of people who go to Commerce Casino. Frankly, I’m the class of person I think of.

Carrie Fisher 53,016 (up from 52,194)
“You’ll recognize me from my resemblance to Elton John & Tweedledum… the secret password… my Twitter Bio.”

Carrie’s “bio” states, “If you don’t like me please suck my big bovine tiny dancer c*ck.”A long way to go for a not-too-funny joke.

Padma Lakshmi 54,868 (up from 53,126)
“Having a great time bowling at lucky strike. Thx to the chef for veggie plate! :)”

I don’t care if the cost is $15,000 per lane per hour, the guy preparing food at a bowling alley is NOT a chef.

Jennie Garth 72,463 (up from 71,953)
“So I was thinking… I am going to try to occasionally tweet some of my fave things. Keep an eye out and spread the love:)”

He he — Jennie Garth has been thinking — that’s adorable.

Joan Rivers 86,334 (up from 82,410)
“I’ll never have money like the folks on How’d You Get $o Rich. I make bad investments, like the Heather McCartney Leg-warmers I bought into.”

Always with the timely jokes

Jenna Jameson 115,403 (up from 114,271)
“Thanks adultmart for the amazing signing… what amazing fans in Ohio! My hand is cramped, but its well worth it! Xoxxoxoxx”

Too easy — skipping it and moving on

Kelly Osbourne 279,509 (up from 277,487)
“So over American airlines”

I’m sure they are equally over you

Kathy Griffin 283,062 (up from 281,635)
“Vegas! It’s happened! An evening with me, Kathy Griffin @ the Colosseum @ Caesars Sat, July 10th. What am I, Celine Dion?Cher?Get tix now”

You, Celine, and Cher all have faces that somewhat resemble that of a horse, so I’d count you in that grouping

Eva Longoria 335,891 (up from 324,039)
“Shooting makeup commercial for Loreal in Paris”

Eva is way too attractive to be on Twitter.

Amanda Bynes 322,117 (up from 319,754)
“I like to cut ♥ I bet u kno what I’m saying :)”

As usual, I don’t have a freakin’ clue what you’re saying

Lindsay Lohan 582,188 (up from 568,657)

Nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 750,422 (up from 748,046)
“Just grilled up some hot dogs and hamburgers. Finished off lunch with watermelon. It’s been a perfect Sunday afternoon in East Hampton.”

Yoko Ono 863,481 (up from 857,540)
“Send the moonlight to a friend.”

It is never too late for rehab, Yoko.

Lauren Conrad 1,010,395 (up from 1,003,964)

This tw*t’s posts were all self-promotional except one that promoted a book written by another reality bimbo

Suze Orman 1,076,881 (DOWN from 1,077,996)
“Coming up on Saturday you find out if you won that 10000. Can’t wait to tell you who it is. Mark your calendar to watch the Suze Orman show”

Seven weeks of decline! As for her specific post, anyone who marks his or her calendar to be reminded to watch Suze Orman should join Yoko Ono’s therapy group.

Nicole Richie 1,078,904 (up from 1,070,972)
“I miss Ma$e”

Khloe Kardashian 1,218,611 (up from 1,203,240)
“I hate when people leave me voice mails! I see that you called… I’ll call you back. And if I don’t then there’s a reason for it”

I don’t think there is enough bandwidth on the internet to hold Khloe’s ego

Tyra Banks 1,415,478 (up from 1,391,054)
“hmmm what could be missing?? ;-)”

The intelligence I know you possess but for some reason you choose not to publicly share?

Paula Abdul 1,667,387 (up from 1,665,772)
“Hey, you guys want a fun Friday fact? lol!”

Demetria Lovato 1,803,793 (up from 1,776,388)
“Jimmy Kimbles.”

Selena Gomez 1,856,153 (up from 1,832,497)
“What are the odds……Today I graduated from high school and got my diploma!!!!! I also filmed my graduation…”

Even more fun than Selena’s post was this Facebook comment made to it, reproduced in its entirety (ostensibly not from a high school graduate): “Selena i love u r the bestest could u plz got to miami florida it is a hot place to go to the beach like umm miami beach i just wanted to tell u that its a good idea for u to go to miami and relax i hope u go to miami florida on vacation its always being my dream to see u cause i live in miami well write me back and tell where r u going in the … See Morevacation u i wich i could get ur aughtergraph idk how to spell aughtergraph lol well back to wat i was talking about plz come to miami for vacation i wish i could get ur autergraph and picture i want a picture with me and u i am ur biggest fan bye plz come on the summer”

Paris Hilton 1,901,608 (up from 1,875,181)
“Had an amazing time at the race today. Went in the driver’s pit and met all the drivers and crew. We had a blast! :) Monaco Rules!”

I would have assumed the driver would go in Paris’ pit, but to each their own.

Lily Allen 2,136,643 (up from 2,129,876)
“Oh my god. On my way to the ground. I’m too nervous . Arrrrrggghh !”

The correct spelling is either “Argh” or, if you are really stressed, “Aaarrrggghhh.” Please make a note of it.

Chelsea Handler 2,174,492 (up from 2,163,734)

Nothing from this tw*t this week except links to pictures that, like everything else she says or does, aren’t interesting or funny

Ashlee Simpson 2,178,526 (up from 2,174,829)
“@jessicasimpson I just saw a preview for your show! Woman it looks so good :) This tuesday check out THE PRICE OF BEAUTY!”

I normally don’t post direct messages, but Ashlee is actually telling her sister Jessica to check out her own show — that amused me.

Katy Perry 2,375,374 (up from 2,330,643)
“Tomorrow I’m gonna eat one of those double chicken bun sandwiches and float in the pool till I fall asleep.”

Jessica Simpson 2,474,844 (up from 2,431,909)
“My bro-in-law just gave me a book to read. Gonna have sun worship time tomorrow with this book as facial sunscreen”

He he — Jessica Simpson has been reading — how adorable.

Demi Moore 2,703,270 (up from 2,680,343)
“thr R 3 major things that R hard 4 ppl 2 share $$, time & emotions. 2day master them all; share yr $$ share yr time & share yr heart -Sharbi”

Also tough to share proper spelling, apparently

Mariah Carey 2,723,596 (up from 2,668,222)
“Ugh.. traveling since 1901 but I’m in Egypt now overlooking the Nile and I’m very happy to be here!”

Warning: Pun Follows = No need to have posted this Mariah; you’ve been in denial for ages now

Taylor Swift 3,198,800 (up from 3,114,929)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Oprah Winfrey 3,537,589 (up from 3,476,473)

This tw*t hasn’t posted anything since April 16th, but she’s still gained tens of thousands of new followers since last week

Kim Kardashian 3,630,799 (up from 3,524,120)
“I want everything in the Sky Mall”

With a dry, cool wit like that, it is easy to understand how she’s gained 100,000 new followers in a single week

Lady Gaga 4,025,391 (up from 3,836,752)
“Kleine Monsters. Berlin is about to explode as the Monsterball begins. Open the cathedral + bang on your drums, tonight is for your freedom.”

In related news, Berlin announced today that they are erecting another wall