TV or Not TV

Kim Kardashian

Deconstructing Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian released a statement to her fans regarding the end of her marriage. We wasted no time breaking down each line of that epic tome to reveal the truth buried underneath. it wasn’t buried too deep — after all, she’s known as being shallow…

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

Words… hurt… brain

I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time.

I drink… a lot

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones.

It is hard to believe there are no positive reports about a plastic girl and her pathetic need for attention

First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this.

Love, in this case, means fame, fortune, and another round of cosmetic surgery… finally gonna get a third breast like that alien chick in “Total Recall”

I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!

I would spend so much time for the DVD and digital download revenues, however

I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision.

I spent all of eight seconds contemplating it… a pantload of contemplation for me

But it’s who I am! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments.

I also made a porn flick!

These were all real moments.

The moments were real; most of my body parts were not

That’s what makes us who we are.

Porn stars!

We share, we give, we love and we are open!

Love, in this case, means we will pimp each other out for a quick buck

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic!

Sex with NBA guys is awesome!

I love with all of my heart and soul.

I’ll do ass-to-mouth

I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon.

I want a real life, which is why I keep appearing on TV shows

I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly.

Love, in this case, means the chance to have millions of people worship me for walking down the aisle while wearing white

I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have.

Next time I’ll make sure he pulls out sooner

I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I should have ended my relationship but I got married instead — who hasn’t done the same thing?

I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through.

The 1% has problems, too — can you believe I had to wait almost three minutes for a manni-peddi?

But I do know that I have to follow my heart.

And by heart I mean vagina — lots of other NBA players on the roster

I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me.

Though Ryan Seacrest is partly to blame

It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

But I have high-hopes for my new boyfriend Charlie Sheen

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this.

People keep forgetting international sales… we’re talking billions, bitches!

I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

Because dying people need a gift certificate for free vajazzling for life from Lucy’s of Beverly Hills

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

Then again, my dad went to his grave professing OJ was innocent, so maybe I need a better role model

Hollywood Tw*ts for the week of 5/23/10

Looking at the tweets of Hollywood’s least sentient beings — so you don’t have to.

(for all you know, the * in the title of this feature stands for the letter “i” and, thus, the title is only offensive if you choose to believe it is — much like the rest of the English language)

Note: Nobody new to the list this week, but for some reason, the regular gang of tw*ts annoying me more than usual. Perhaps the constant exposure to them is getting to me.

Mena Suvari 5,470 (up from 5,323)
“Good Day, L♥vers!Hope you’re all having a wonderful Saturday/weekend!Thanx for continuing to inspire me every day!♥☺♥”

Online stalkers inspire you?Back in the ’90s, did you snuggle up next to your virtual pets?

Melissa Rivers 11,105 (up from10,962)
“Mommy is getting mani/pedi. Woohoo”

“… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

Courtney Love 32,823 (up from 31,605)
“im just pouting but damm i look cute!”

Get your eyes checked

Olivia Wilde 46,595 (up from 44,033)
“tried to joke to an 8 r old boy about his ipad making him look like a vry small man holding an iphone. he stared and said “no. its an ipad”"

Shannon Elizabeth 40,939 (up from 40,582)
“Random quote of the night….”Have you ever tied ur shoe too tight?” Haha”

Carrie Fisher 53,663 (up from 53,016)

Nothing new from this tw*t this week

Padma Lakshmi 57,119 (up from 54,868)
“Last HSN show coming up at 4pm EST. Hope you all tune in! Things are selling out quickly, very exciting!”

If you’re appearing on HSN, then THINGS aren’t all that has sold out.

Jennie Garth 72,999 (up from 72,463)
“Oh, and my daughter won 2nd place in the Strawberry Cup soccer tournament! Woot Woot!!”

As I say to my 40-year-old sister, girls can get away with using silly slang like “woot,” but when grown women use it, it makes them seem pathetic

Joan Rivers 87,591 (up from 86,334)
“One of the people on this season of How’d You Get $o Rich has so much money, last week he passed a 23 karat gall stone.”

With a dry, cool wit like that, Joan could be an action hero. Instead she is just another tw*t using her Twitter account to pimp her crappy show.

Jenna Jameson 116,915 (up from 115,403)

This tw*t just posted direct messages this week

Kelly Osbourne 282,676 (up from 279,509)
“Why is it that when ever your boyfriend gets sick they don’t even ask you they just give it you I woke up I throw up out my nose! :( m”

Anyone care to try to diagram that sentence?

Kathy Griffin 285,258 (up from 283,062)
“What kind of a cruel joke is it when ur addicted 2 the Food Network & can’t cook…at all? It is to me as porn is to straight (or gay) guys”

Something to whack off to?

Amanda Bynes 322,950 (up from 322,117)
“ily♥ (you know who you are)”

Eva Longoria 349,828 (up from 335,891)
“Me and my friend David Damian going to the White House to see Obama and Calderon!”

How sad for both countries that we sent Eve instead of someone who could use proper grammar — “My friend and I…” you stupid tw*t!

Lindsay Lohan 598,054 (up from 582,188)

Second week in a row of nothing but direct messages and RTs from this tw*t

Ivanka Trump 754,891 (up from 750,422)
“I heart Mexico!!”

I am sure Mexicans really feel your heart.

Yoko Ono 870,811 (up from 863,481)
“All of us can work in any medium, just as we use water in everything we cook.”

I would probably struggle working in the medium of lesbian porn

Lauren Conrad 1,018,701 (up from 1,010,395)
“If you were thinking I was dorky enough to be singing along at a glee concert… And then buying a glee sweatshirt… You would be correct.”

I wasn’t thinking it, but I don’t doubt it for a minute

Suze Orman 1,075,624 (DOWN from 1,076,881)
“For those of you who follow my schedule- we have had to have a change of plans and I will NOT be on QVC this week- but we will return soon”

Eight weeks of decline! AND now, even QVC doesn’t want you.

Nicole Richie 1,089,438 (up from 1,078,904)
“Tru Dat”

Khloe Kardashian 1,236,137 (up from 1,218,611)
“I normally wear a permanent screwed on bracelet but lately it has been bugging me. Should I take it off for a while or tough it out?”

Something very fitting about the words “permanent screw” used in reference to a Kardashian girl

Tyra Banks 1,447,543 (up from 1,415,478)
“I buy so many candles but I rarely ever light them. Does anyone else do the same??”

Actually, Tyra, many people night the candles lit to provide warmth and illumination, because we aren’t are rich models

Paula Abdul 1,670,494 (up from 1,667,387)
“I had no idea Einstein had a sister! I’d love to have coffee & girl talk with her! ;)”

I’d pay good money to see a sit down with Abdul and Einstein

Demetria Lovato 1,838,630 (up from 1,803,793)
“Music is my band aid. It heals everything for me.”

Except Band-Aids don’t heal anything. They just help prevent dirt from getting into open wounds. And since Demetria spends time with the Jonas brothers, I’d guess the level of dirt covering her would quickly overcome a humble Band-Aid.

Selena Gomez 1,881,318 (up from 1,856,153)
“Jammin to Somebody to Love while in the studio! I love you guys, hope you have a great day!”

Please, in the name of all that is holy, don’t tell me Selena is doing a cover of a Queen song

Paris Hilton 1,938,027 (up from 1,901,608)
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny maters compared to what lies with in us.”

I’ve seen the video, Paris, and you are anything but a tiny mater.

Lily Allen 2,146,732 (up from 2,136,643)
“I’m not pregnant. FYI”

Sperm and eggs everywhere rejoice.

Chelsea Handler 2,188,277 (up from 2,174,492)

A second week where Handler tries to be funny using only pictures, and suffers the same lack of success as when she tries to use her words

Ashlee Simpson 2,183,348 (up from 2,178,526)
“Check out idol tonight my friend travis garland is gonna play!”

Are you sure he isn’t going to lip-sync, get caught, and do a goofy vamp dance across the stage? I only ask because you have confused the two before.

Katy Perry 2,421,220 (up from 2,375,374)
“I could really use a crunk juice iv right now.”

You could use a lot more than that

Jessica Simpson 2,498,715 (up from 2,474,844)
“Hammock time…Quiet night welcome…Stars let’s talk…Moon, shall we dance?”

Quick word of advice to the moon: Dance with her all you want, but wear some protection.

Demi Moore 2,718,156 (up from 2,703,270)

Nothing but retweets from this tw*t this week

Mariah Carey 2,754,146 (up from 2,723,596)
“See, I still can’t dm w/this new ish..ugh!!!”

For a half-second, I thought “dm” was a reference to being a Dungeon Master in D&D. Silly me.

Taylor Swift 3,242,011 (up from 3,198,800)
“One of the first episodes of The OC is on in my hotel room in Canada. I feel suddenly compelled to buy the entire first season on DVD.”

I watched an episode of The OC once and felt compelled to punch the creator of the series in the face. I fought the compulsion, but it wasn’t easy.

Oprah Winfrey 3,572,490 (up from 3,537,589)
“Think you can host YOUR OWN SHOW? Or know someone who can. The search is on. Go to oprah.com for details.”

Using the Oprah formula, all you need is an audience poised to cry, and “experts” who have brains the size of cashews.

Kim Kardashian 3,674,145 (up from 3,630,799)
“Someone just asked me if I was Miss USA, Rima Fakih!”

An easy mistake to make — you both pole dance. But Miss USA has a degree in economics, so there the similarity ends.

Lady Gaga 4,129,579 (up from 4,025,391)
“I am, perhaps a complicated person.+love seems to me,a complicated thing. But when I look at u, littlemonsters, its so simple. Love is easy.”

Apparently, Gaga is confusing love with sycophancy. As have we all.